Backsliding
blackrabbit223
Registrant
In the last couple days I’ve gotten seriously close to reaching out to my ex. It’s been almost 2 years since we talked, and the last thing I said to them was something like “How could you hurt me?” It was over Instagram and I know they read it, because there was a little seen notification underneath the message. They didn’t reply.
I also redownloaded but deleted all of our stories that I still have access to. I’m tempted to do it again, but keep them this time. It’s just 50,000+ words of shitty porn we wrote but I want it so bad that I cry about it sometimes. I miss our time writing. Even now, part of me still thinks it was a fun and normal activity to do, despite not being able to say “no” without getting in trouble. I wasn’t allowed to alter the stories really, and characters (and me by extent, especially when this transitioned to acting in real life) had to act a certain way.
I couldn’t take too long away from my laptop or my phone or else they’d get anxious and demanding. Though I suppose “possessive” would be a better word. brb always meant a few minutes. ttyl meant an hour plus. Whatever I did in that time, even if it was just taking a moment to use the bathroom, was blessed relief. I had to let them know what I was doing, where I was going, how long it’d take and when I’d be back by. A huge warning sign that went right over my head.
I went by so many different names for them, just them. Lucia was their favorite, I think. I never thought to ask, but I want to. Most of my “characters” were female, even after my transition. I never considered how odd that was. I thought they were so nice because they called me My Name and a guy afterwards, except they’d still make me play the girl part a majority of the time. I know healing is a bumpy road so I’m trying to be kind to myself. It’s difficult because I feel like I went along with whatever they asked.
I also redownloaded but deleted all of our stories that I still have access to. I’m tempted to do it again, but keep them this time. It’s just 50,000+ words of shitty porn we wrote but I want it so bad that I cry about it sometimes. I miss our time writing. Even now, part of me still thinks it was a fun and normal activity to do, despite not being able to say “no” without getting in trouble. I wasn’t allowed to alter the stories really, and characters (and me by extent, especially when this transitioned to acting in real life) had to act a certain way.
I couldn’t take too long away from my laptop or my phone or else they’d get anxious and demanding. Though I suppose “possessive” would be a better word. brb always meant a few minutes. ttyl meant an hour plus. Whatever I did in that time, even if it was just taking a moment to use the bathroom, was blessed relief. I had to let them know what I was doing, where I was going, how long it’d take and when I’d be back by. A huge warning sign that went right over my head.
I went by so many different names for them, just them. Lucia was their favorite, I think. I never thought to ask, but I want to. Most of my “characters” were female, even after my transition. I never considered how odd that was. I thought they were so nice because they called me My Name and a guy afterwards, except they’d still make me play the girl part a majority of the time. I know healing is a bumpy road so I’m trying to be kind to myself. It’s difficult because I feel like I went along with whatever they asked.
!
