Anyone else aroused by violence? *triggers*

[physicsfriend]

In short, while I have a perfectly healthy and "vanilla" side of to sexuality, I also find myself really turned on by certain intense images or imaginations of gore and violence. I have no actual desire to bring violence into my sex life... I'm not even very kinky. This is purely in my fantasy, but I have really strong physical reactions to it. I feel grossed out and ashamed about it.

My parents were religious crazy-people (I don't mean religious people are crazy, I mean my parents took their religion to CRAZY extremes.) My parents exposed me to extremely violent ideas by around age five, with graphic descriptions of martyrdom. They taught me back then that the "end times" were coming soon and I needed to prepare myself to be tortured and killed for my faith. I remember at that young age steeling myself for different forms of torture and death; I concluded that I hoped I'd be shot or beheaded or beaten or mauled to death, but not burned at the stake because I was scared of fire. I was five!

My very first experiences with arousal occurred when envisioning graphic and violent things like this. Now I wonder if my young brain was trying to find some way to cope with this fear and trauma via sexual release. To this day, I have spells where envisioning horrible violence is sometimes the only thing that turns me on. I feel grossed out by it and dirty. I try not to gratify that part of my sexuality by fantasizing about these things but sometimes it just happens anyway, or I just really want to because I want the release. I've never told my wife and I don't plan to. I feel like a monster though. Am I? Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[dac]

I have to admit I have experienced somewhat similar feelings. In my case it is not gore as much as it is being turned on by rape or forced sex, but it has the same effect on me: feeling like a degraded, deviant pervert with no morality or goodness. Like you I was raised in a religious family, where religion was woven into the fabric of our abuse. It is an odd thing to me, but I am one whose extreme sexual abuse at a very young age became the foundation for sexual arousal; others, it seems, develop aversions. I have been discussing these matters openly with my therapist, which is helping me to understand how I came to be the way I am.

 

[Tom E.]

Unfortunately I do have rape fantasies with me as the victim, usually. Sometimes I think I'm the perpetrator too.These disturbing fantasies invade my mind now & then. I zone out, lost in a fog with these visions, then I realize what's happening & wake myself out of it. I try not to chastise my self anymore for "bad fantasies". I try to be gentle with myself.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Dear physicfriend,

My fantasy life was drenched in grotesque violence and cruelty for decades. It was my only sexual expression. There was no physical for me, only relentless brutality. Mine started in elementary school. No surprise, the fantacies played out different versions of my assault and how I saw male hierarchy. In high school, after I was molested they became truly horrific. How could a guy (me) who cries at Hallmark commercials generate these scenarios, and how could they be they only think I could get off on? Yes, I thought I was a monster too.

I've always tried to get away from them, but couldn't. I was told by one therapist after another to just give into them. This wasn't about being PC. Embracing them wasn't going to help me embrace sex. I got tired of bring it up. Now in my late 50's I thought that was the best I would ever have. But I did tell my current T. I graphically described how they almost always end. Why did I need him to show me it was my rape, over and over and over again. I'm still the kid sobbing and pleading, I am also the monster enjoying his pain and fear.

It still shocks me that I could do that to myself. I mean, no physical harm, but that's what I thought/felt about myself.

I'm about to write what I wrote of my blog 4 months ago Dried Storm
But the short version is I have found a way to introduce sensation. Seeing it for what it is, a replay of the worse night of my life, makes it easier to stay away from. They are an expression of how much I hated myself. A bit of self compassion (and a boat load of therapy & amazing people!) has allowed me the space to explore physical sensation for the first time in my life.

 

[physicsfriend]

BDD your experience resonates a lot with me, although in my case, the fantasies don't revolve around my sexual assault but much more closely match the martyrdom and torture that my parents made me plan for. Perhaps because of that, I am able to feel pleasure, but these fantasies disturb me anyway. On one hand, I feel like I should follow the advice of your former therapists: just accept them and enjoy them and stop moralizing about it. And so sometimes I do just let myself dive into them, but I inevitably feel disgusted, disturbed, and lousy about myself afterwards. Telling myself over and over "you aren't doing anything wrong" just hasn't gotten through. I'd much rather just repress these fantasies altogether, but I have no idea how to do that. I worry that I'm stuck with this aspect of my sexuality permanently.

On one hand, it could be worse; at least I can and do still enjoy sex with my wife, and these fantasies don't usually intrude on that. But on the other hand, it intrudes on me at other times and I wish I could rid myself of it. It feels like my parents have inserted something disgusting and shameful into a very intimate part of my life and I don't like that.

 

[physicsfriend]

Tom E and dac:

Like you, I do also have a lot of forced sex fantasies. But for whatever reason, those bother me less. I think it's mostly because I have a safe way to play these out with someone I trust. My wife and I are comfortable with some power-play and light bondage in the bedroom and I trust her 100% to respect my autonomy even while I'm playing out this fantasy that I'm out of control. At first I felt kind of ashamed or disappointed that it is much easier for me to "get off" if I'm simulating non-consensual sex, but that part of me has healed, I think. I'm okay with it because it's safe and fun and we both enjoy it.

Not so with the gore fantasies. I don't even have any desire to bring any sort of rough play into the bedroom. The torture and death that runs through my head isn't really anything that could be reasonably faked anyway. It's just in my head, and my body responds INTENSELY to it. It creeps me out and makes me feel like a monster, but it's so powerful at times that I can't ignore it. I just don't know what to do or think about it.

 

[greenwizard]

All I can really say is human sexuality is extremely complicated and not well understood. While I myself don't get aroused by violence, you'd be probably freaked out and disgusted by what does occasionally tumble around in my head and get me hot and bothered. Like you, I used to wonder what kind of depraved person those thoughts make me. Then I just kind of learned to go with it and not put too much thought in it.

I mean, think about it being like with you and your wife and the bondage stuff. Nobody is actually getting hurt. What goes on in your head is just electrical impulses shooting around in your brain. And the great part is no one knows unless you tell them. I have no freaking clue why the strange stuff that turns me on does. I would never in a trillion years actually do any of those things. All they are are thoughts that bring me pleasure.

 

[Ceremony]

The dogma pushers do foment a deep and visceral response in me. I've not explored anything about why I have always read the books of war, especially those with graphic pictures. Since school libraries at earliest age, I know I gravitated to any and all books that would show me what war did to people, and it fascinated me as much as repulsed me. It made me hate people who did that, who did war, who have that. Any who seek it enrage me, and all dogma fear about rapture will push me too far. It's not in my history, it's developed from the anger I have about being bullied, martyred to others needs, being the lesser and worthless person, ignored and rejected. So, anger in me, with hating the nature of any harm to anyone, spills to adrenaline stress reactions about perceived threats and hypervigilance.

I have huge issues of fear about why I don't feel normal about my body or emotions, so fear used to keep me isolating. Wishing someone kind would want to be with me. A friend. And I'm still a bit stuck there, but I've evolved some, not easily, fear is that rotten base, but anger pushes me hard.

So, depictions of violence had a way of shaping my hate for violence.

 

[physicsfriend]

Ceremony:

Interesting; thanks for the contribution. I guess if I could try to find a positive spin about this, I'd say it taught me that I want to protect my children from fearing violence, rather than encouraging them to obsess over it and mentally prepare for it. Yes, there's a lot of cruelty in the world and I'm not going to be dishonest about that. But the entire point of being a child is that you are supposed to have a relatively safe place from that cruelty and people that will defend you. I want my child to have that luxury of safety as much as possible.

 

[Ceremony]

Hi physicsfriend:

There's a long standing martyr or scape goat reaction in me. I see it as how so much of life puts a deep effort toward making separateness normal. Eugenics lies which fomented deeper racism that already existed for centuries, dogma platitudes that are fed to people with willful intent to manipulate them toward some false manmade ideology of human behavior and so much more that shows power madness.

I'm against conspiracy gossips, and vet my ideas for a long period of time, working in the ideas of others. Vetting the ideas takes a long time, it's not so bad. It's why I despise so much of propaganda that is so easily fact checked, and too that which is not so easily. All can eventually be checked. It's the desire to go with it or not that I get worked up about. It's my problem, but those who push their world of lies upon others, and upon me, have long been on my radar. I think the WWII rise to power history showed me what despotism does and how people willfully martyr for dogma, both political or religious cult.

So, I trigger big time about the above topic and bring it up sort of willfully. I'm me, and to know how I want to love others is to know that I will walk in their shoes, but if there's any more martyr endgame at play, I'll resist big time. Does that make any sense? Like being new to trying to stand up for myself, having had small experiences of it over recent years... talking a good game, but only knowing parts. I see, but seeing isn't action for me. I need it to be, but, doing it?

Does it seem Ok to talk about this stuff? It's all huge to me, I was taken advantage of, molested for being naïve, martyred. So the sexual tension I now have a need that only I can satisfy because of fear... My body is not where it needs to be, so as my wife says "go F yourself" and I reply "Ok".

 

[physicsfriend]

Ceremony:

I think I understand what you are saying. And yeah, it's fine with me to talk about this. I honestly have an intense, visceral hatred of Christianity that I know isn't necessarily fair to the kinder practitioners of the religion. I know plenty of great Christians and I try to let people's actions speak for themselves rather than jumping to conclusions.

But so many people from that religion have done and continue to do such great harm to me and my family, and did it explicitly for religious reasons. When I see a Christian fish on someone's website or bumper-sticker or I find out someone is Christian, I automatically get nervous. I keep it to myself, but I still feel it. It's pretty much a conditioned response by now. It's so severe that being in a church event or any event that feels too church-like will trigger a full-on anxiety attack. This has even happened at an atheist event, a wedding, and a science lecture that all just hit the "churchy" feeling for me. Religious abuse and trauma is a real thing.

The martyrdom thing was all a part of my parents' isolation tactics for me. They wanted my sister and I to believe that the entire world was full of murderers and rapists that were just waiting for their chance to slaughter all of the True Christians (TM) like themselves. We were a member of a relatively small, cult-like denomination which believed that they were the only Christians going to heaven (all y'all Catholics and Baptists and Methodists and Unitarians and Presbyterians etc are goin' to hell, according to them). In fact, we believed all other forms of Christians were so evil that they'd participate in the persecution and slaughter of us as well as the atheists and other religious people. It felt to me that no one could be trusted. Deep down, everyone I knew wanted to kill me. It was only a matter of time.

By the time I grew up, I pretty much ditched those beliefs and my parents seemed a little less heavy-handed with them as well. But the long-term effects of growing up with that terror and feeling the need to prepare myself for death and torture at any given day still impacts me. I honestly sometimes wonder how I turned out as normal as I have (which is to say, not very normal at all) given some of the bizarre shit I was raised with. This is only barely grazing the surface.

This is perhaps a bit off-topic for Male Survivors (I'm not sure) but there it is...