*Triggers Possible* New here - survivor of MSSA
sebast
New Registrant
Hello, you can call me sebast. I’m 20 years old and a college student in the USA. I was sexually abused by my mother from ages 12 to the time I left the house at 19. I live in a different state now but I am still struggling with the many ways those years of CSA have affected me.
A little more about my story if you care to read (you don’t have to). I am a transsexual male (AKA, I was born with XX chromosomes) which makes my story a little different than most of you here, however I’ve known since I was very young and I am medically transitioned and undisclosed in my day to day life which means I typically relate more to male-oriented survivor spaces than female. I grew up in a two parent household, but my dad was emotionally and/or physically absent most of the time and I was almost entirely raised by my mother. They were Southern Baptists, unsupportive of my transition and also in a church known for covering up SA within the congregation. My mom slept with me naked for years and forced me to allow her to watch me masturbate. She touched my genitalia to “check” if I was aroused, and pilfered through my texting and internet history to understand what would make me aroused and say things related to my fetishes to me in a teasing manner to torture me. She would also get upset when I asked her to leave, when I put clothes on, or when I shut the door while showering and accused me of trying to hide something. I didn’t realize this was abuse until months after I was kicked out of the house and disowned, but the more I recall the more things become clear.
I began living a promiscuous gay lifestyle as soon as I left the house for many months before I realized that I’m not actually attracted to men, and that I was terrified of intimacy with women because of how my mother abused me. I deal with a lot of shame because I have always been very effeminate and submissive (I’m sure in no small part due to the incestuous abuse) and I get made fun of and called homophobic slurs in my day to day life, to the point where I rarely tell people I’m not gay because I know they won’t believe me or it will make the bullying worse. I feel humiliated by my sexual history and my lack of experience with women - I want to have my first time with someone that I’m actually attracted to but imagining seeing a girl in front of me naked or having intercourse with her makes me panic, because my first and only heterosexual experiences were my mother. I feel leagues behind my friends in terms of my sexual development, which is only made worse by my lack of male sex organs and perceived inadequacy.
I feel like I’m only beginning to discover myself and develop an identity, and I’m hoping for guidance from other older men who have struggled with their masculinity post CSA and especially post MSSA. I struggle to talk about it in my day to day life because people tend not to take covert incest as seriously when it’s perpetrated by a woman.
Some fun things about me - I’m both a natural sciences major and a music major (baritone classical performer), and I like to develop video games in my free time. I like going to the gym, cooking, and trying out oriental tea. My favorite genre of books is science fiction which probably isn’t surprising based on my major lol (I have a sticker of Rocky from Project Hail Mary on my water bottle). My favorite life experience is meeting the comic author Alison Bechdel and getting to play pickleball with her. My life goals are to work in astrobiological research, get married, father one or two kids who are very very loved, and write a couple of books.
I enjoy being asked questions, so feel free to ask any if you are curious about anything (both my CSA experience and unrelated topics).
A little more about my story if you care to read (you don’t have to). I am a transsexual male (AKA, I was born with XX chromosomes) which makes my story a little different than most of you here, however I’ve known since I was very young and I am medically transitioned and undisclosed in my day to day life which means I typically relate more to male-oriented survivor spaces than female. I grew up in a two parent household, but my dad was emotionally and/or physically absent most of the time and I was almost entirely raised by my mother. They were Southern Baptists, unsupportive of my transition and also in a church known for covering up SA within the congregation. My mom slept with me naked for years and forced me to allow her to watch me masturbate. She touched my genitalia to “check” if I was aroused, and pilfered through my texting and internet history to understand what would make me aroused and say things related to my fetishes to me in a teasing manner to torture me. She would also get upset when I asked her to leave, when I put clothes on, or when I shut the door while showering and accused me of trying to hide something. I didn’t realize this was abuse until months after I was kicked out of the house and disowned, but the more I recall the more things become clear.
I began living a promiscuous gay lifestyle as soon as I left the house for many months before I realized that I’m not actually attracted to men, and that I was terrified of intimacy with women because of how my mother abused me. I deal with a lot of shame because I have always been very effeminate and submissive (I’m sure in no small part due to the incestuous abuse) and I get made fun of and called homophobic slurs in my day to day life, to the point where I rarely tell people I’m not gay because I know they won’t believe me or it will make the bullying worse. I feel humiliated by my sexual history and my lack of experience with women - I want to have my first time with someone that I’m actually attracted to but imagining seeing a girl in front of me naked or having intercourse with her makes me panic, because my first and only heterosexual experiences were my mother. I feel leagues behind my friends in terms of my sexual development, which is only made worse by my lack of male sex organs and perceived inadequacy.
I feel like I’m only beginning to discover myself and develop an identity, and I’m hoping for guidance from other older men who have struggled with their masculinity post CSA and especially post MSSA. I struggle to talk about it in my day to day life because people tend not to take covert incest as seriously when it’s perpetrated by a woman.
Some fun things about me - I’m both a natural sciences major and a music major (baritone classical performer), and I like to develop video games in my free time. I like going to the gym, cooking, and trying out oriental tea. My favorite genre of books is science fiction which probably isn’t surprising based on my major lol (I have a sticker of Rocky from Project Hail Mary on my water bottle). My favorite life experience is meeting the comic author Alison Bechdel and getting to play pickleball with her. My life goals are to work in astrobiological research, get married, father one or two kids who are very very loved, and write a couple of books.
I enjoy being asked questions, so feel free to ask any if you are curious about anything (both my CSA experience and unrelated topics).
