My early sexual development/experience was exclusively homosexual and not of my choosing

My early sexual development/experience was exclusively homosexual and not of my choosing

RyanW1976

Registrant
I’m not sure when it all started but my brother coerced me to have oral sex with him. He was five years older than me. I can’t put an exact age on it, but the first time we did it he could ejaculate and I couldn’t. His penis was much bigger than mine and he had pubic hair. I had no hair and my penis was small. He was at least 13 or 14 I was 8 or 9. It went on for five years.


He taught me how to masturbate. Once he got me to masturbate it didn’t take long before he started oral. He eventually got me to do it to him. His hormones were surging, and I was pre puberty, so I was not that interested in it. That didn’t matter he was, and he persisted. We shared a bedroom with bunk beds. At night when we went to bed, he would nag me to do it. Sometimes I’d give in other times I wouldn’t. I knew when I felt the bunk bed shaking that he was masturbating so I would pretend to be asleep and not answer him when he asked. Sometimes he would just stand up and start touching my penis without asking. He knew that once he started touching my penis that I would usually end up doing it with him. It did feel good when we did it and sometimes, I did like it, but I didn’t want to do it as often as he did.

I do not remember how often we did it. It could have been once a week or once a month, but it did go on for about five years. What I do remember are specific incidents. I remember him ejaculating in my mouth I didn’t like it. We had our camping tent set up in the backyard and we did it in the tent. We did it in the basement and almost got caught. We did it in the forest where we use to camp. Most of the time it was in our bedroom at night. As I got older, I remember him telling me my penis was getting much bigger. When I became a willing participant, we had a secret hand signal we would give each when we wanted to do it that night. My father caught us one afternoon. He told us to not do that but that was all he said to me. I don’t know if he gave my brother more grief, but he didn’t say anything more to me and the blow jobs went on for years.


During the early stages when I was around nine or ten. I acted out with two of my young friends. One was during a sleep over at his house. Somehow, we ended up naked, and I wanted to show him something that felt really good. I did it to him he had an orgasm but didn’t ejaculate. He didn’t reciprocate. With the other boy I did it in his garage but just touched his penis with my lips. He told his mother, who told my mother and I got in trouble. She asked me why I did it, and I lied and said he was going to beat me up. I didn’t tell her that my brother her son taught me, and it felt good, so I wanted to share that with a friend.



My brother and I continued doing it. We had been doing it from before I hit puberty until I was fully into puberty and my body went through significant changes. By the time it ended my penis was nearly as big as his, I had pubic hair, and I could ejaculate. It was my turn to have the surging hormones. I began to like the blow jobs and many times I became the initiator.
By the time I got in junior high school I began to have genuine misgivings about what we were doing. I was old enough to know that homosexuality was considered depraved by society (my peers), but I didn’t stop. I knew I shouldn’t do it, and several times I told myself I wouldn’t, but the sexual desire was strong, and I’d give in to it.

My brother went into the service when I was 14. I think by that time I was over sexed, and I had no outlet except for masturbation. I did it often. I found a gay sex magazine with very graphic pictures. I masturbated looking at those pictures. After each time I was going to throw the magazine away, but I didn’t and when the urge came over me, I’d look at it again. I eventually did finally throw it away. I did not want to have those types of homosexual thoughts anymore.


Other than when I had the gay magazine my masturbation thoughts were mostly about girls and I had a collection of dirty magazines (Playboy, Penthouse…) hidden; however, I had doubts and or questions about my own sexuality. I liked giving and receiving oral sex. My brother and I were still doing it when I was old enough to know better, but I still chose to do it. When my sex drive fully kicked in, I liked the oral sex, but I think I hated myself for liking it. If anyone of my peers knew that about me, I would have been devastating.


I didn’t think I was homosexual. All my love interests were girls. Through elementary and junior high I had at least four girls that I had a very strong emotional attachment to, and it certainly felt like love. I liked girls, I hadn’t had sex with any yet, but I never had those strong affection type of feelings for a boy. It was a dilemma as I was attracted to opposite sex romantically but the only sexual gratification I had was homosexual. Junior high was tough for me I had low self-esteem and was very shy. I failed the seventh grade and thought I was a loser. I was not happy. I don’t know if it was the homosexual activities or not, but I know I did not like the fact that I engaged in homosexual acts. Once my brother left the blow jobs stopped, and I felt better for it. However, something happened when I was around 15 or 16 a couple of years after my brother moved away. Me and another boy, a friend of mine, were talking about masturbating and we ended up in my basement jacking off. While watching him I got the urge and against my better judgement I suck his penis. He let me do it, but he didn’t reciprocate. He left once we were done. I was scared to death thinking that he might tell people. I worried about that for a long time and hated myself for doing it. I never did it again. As far as I know he never told anyone, but we never hung out again after that. I came close to calling him once but didn’t have the courage to face him.


Once I had a serious girlfriend, and the homosexual opportunity was gone, I didn’t regret it. High school was a much better experience for me.

I got married and I eventually told my wife about my brother and me. She was very understanding and talking to her about it was helpful. I was never able to talk to anyone about what my brother did. Finally having someone to talk to was liberating. I never told my parents. I always wondered why my father didn’t separate us when he caught us doing it.

My relationship with my brother has always been strained at times it felt awkward. We lived in different cities and didn’t communicate much. If we did talk it was me that called. We never talked about what we did. I wonder if he ever thinks about it and regrets doing it. I’ve heard him talk negatively about homosexuals using derogatory terms about them. When he talks that way I can’t help thinking ‘what about us we were doing those disgusting homosexual things.’ I feel he took something from me. I became sexually active too young. I didn’t discover sex on my own timeline, and I did not have a chance to develop my own personal preferences. My first sexual experiences were all homosexual. I associated the good feeling of an orgasm exclusively with blow jobs for five years. I was awkwardly shy and self-conscious around girls. I was 19 the first time I had sex with a female

I have been married to the same woman for a very long time. My early experiences are part of me. I can rationalize what happened to me and how I came to like it. Even now the thought of having homosexual relations is erotic to me. I watch gay porn periodically. I have dreams and fantasies about doing it, but I have never cheated on my wife and never would (except for the porn). The fantasies are there but they are just that fantasies nothing I am compelled to act on. I wonder if I would be having these thoughts if my early sexual experiences were different. I know I am not homosexual, but the sex part is appealing to me. It is just a sex craving not a romantic emotional thing.


Writing this account of my sexual past was cathartic. It felt good to write it down. It gave me the same feeling of respite as when I confessed my past to my wife. I never told anyone about my early childhood sexual experiences I appreciate having this chance to communicate it to someone even if it is anonymously.
 
@RyanW1976, thank you for finding the courage to write all this out. What you went through as a child was abuse, even if parts of it felt good or confusing at the time. You were far too young to consent or understand what was happening — your brother held the power and responsibility, not you.

It’s very normal for the body to respond physically even in situations of coercion. Those sensations don’t mean you wanted it or caused it. They’re simply how the nervous system reacts when it’s touched, especially at that age. None of that makes you complicit or dirty.

The mix of shame, confusion, and lingering arousal you describe is something many survivors of sibling or same-sex childhood abuse experience. Early experiences wire our sexual templates before we have the ability to choose — that doesn’t define who you are or who you love as an adult.

You deserve to heal from what was taken from you, and you don’t have to carry this alone. Talking with a trauma-informed therapist or a group that understands male survivors can help you untangle the guilt from the truth: that you were a child navigating something no child should have to.

It’s brave to bring this into the open. What you’ve done here — putting words to the unspeakable — is already a step toward release and self-respect. You’re not alone, and help is available.
 
thank you for sharing your story. reading this there is no doubt in my mind that your love for your wife is real. with childhood sexual abuse, it can complicate how we view sexuality. making it feel so much more difficult to tackle and prone to overthink things, like how you describe, when asking yourself if you would feel how you do on sexuality if it was not for those experiences and wondering how your brother saw the abuse. it;s not fair that you were dealt this situation. your brother definitely knew better. even if it felt like you were a willing participant later on, it is only because you were coerced into it for years. it;s on him alone for putting you through those things.

in your post, you also mention a lot about how homosexual sex is depraving and gross, and i do believe it is because of cultural influence; but it was never your guilt to carry. i hope sharing it on here was able to take some weight off your shoulders.
 
@RyanW1976, thank you for finding the courage to write all this out. What you went through as a child was abuse, even if parts of it felt good or confusing at the time. You were far too young to consent or understand what was happening — your brother held the power and responsibility, not you.

It’s very normal for the body to respond physically even in situations of coercion. Those sensations don’t mean you wanted it or caused it. They’re simply how the nervous system reacts when it’s touched, especially at that age. None of that makes you complicit or dirty.

The mix of shame, confusion, and lingering arousal you describe is something many survivors of sibling or same-sex childhood abuse experience. Early experiences wire our sexual templates before we have the ability to choose — that doesn’t define who you are or who you love as an adult.

You deserve to heal from what was taken from you, and you don’t have to carry this alone. Talking with a trauma-informed therapist or a group that understands male survivors can help you untangle the guilt from the truth: that you were a child navigating something no child should have to.

It’s brave to bring this into the open. What you’ve done here — putting words to the unspeakable — is already a step toward release and self-respect. You’re not alone, and help is available.
Thank you for your kind response. I was able to rationalize it was not me it was my brother that was responsible, but what really troubled me then was when I did it at sixteen with a friend in my basement. I put myself in a sexual situation with another boy (years after the activity with my brother stopped) and the urge came over me and I knew I shouldn’t do it but I did anyway. I was afraid what my brother did to me was imprinted on my sexual identity and that confused and scared me. I thought everyone would find out and I would be exposed.
 
thank you for sharing your story. reading this there is no doubt in my mind that your love for your wife is real. with childhood sexual abuse, it can complicate how we view sexuality. making it feel so much more difficult to tackle and prone to overthink things, like how you describe, when asking yourself if you would feel how you do on sexuality if it was not for those experiences and wondering how your brother saw the abuse. it;s not fair that you were dealt this situation. your brother definitely knew better. even if it felt like you were a willing participant later on, it is only because you were coerced into it for years. it;s on him alone for putting you through those things.

in your post, you also mention a lot about how homosexual sex is depraving and gross, and i do believe it is because of cultural influence; but it was never your guilt to carry. i hope sharing it on here was able to take some weight off your shoulders.
Thank you. Those statements about homosexuality were prevalent back then especially in junior high. Back then if you had homosexual relations there was something wrong with you which magnified my concerns.
 
Thank you for your kind response. I was able to rationalize it was not me it was my brother that was responsible, but what really troubled me then was when I did it at sixteen with a friend in my basement. I put myself in a sexual situation with another boy (years after the activity with my brother stopped) and the urge came over me and I knew I shouldn’t do it but I did anyway. I was afraid what my brother did to me was imprinted on my sexual identity and that confused and scared me. I thought everyone would find out and I would be exposed.
What you’re describing makes a lot of sense. The most important thing is that you’re becoming aware of what happened and how it shaped you — that’s where real healing begins. You’re here now, in a community that understands, and that matters.

What your brother did wasn’t normal behavior between siblings; it often points to him having been abused or exposed to something harmful himself. None of that excuses it, but it helps explain how the cycle can pass on.

The best way to take responsibility for your own healing — and for any harm that still troubles you — is to keep getting support from a trauma-informed therapist. You deserve help and understanding, not isolation or shame.
 
Ryan, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you were violated by someone you love and trusted.

I could relate to so many details of your story. And you will read on so many posts, the desire to have a sexual experience like you experienced as a child, while also being straight, seems to be the norm. It is a confusing experience but so common! And this fellowship will help you better understand yourself as it relates to your abuse. It has been very freeing to read what others have shared because I was convinced I was the only one who had same sex attractions and urges. I feared I was somehow a deviant, but now I understand that there is nothing unique in my response to my abuse and that alone has been healing in itself.
Curious about, "And you will read on so many posts, the desire to have a sexual experience like you experienced as a child, while also being straight, seems to be the norm." Do you mean in parts of the US? I ask because I did not grow up in the US.
 
Curious about, "And you will read on so many posts, the desire to have a sexual experience like you experienced as a child, while also being straight, seems to be the norm." Do you mean in parts of the US? I ask because I did not grow up in the US.
Usual for male survivors of sexual assault.
 
A lot of this is very much like my brother and me at the start, him being only about 3 years older, me 10 him 13, I hadn't hit puberty he had and he began using me for sexual experiences but this was because our Dad had already been doing it with him. So my Dad was the route cause but I never was forced by my brother i did it willingly as we also shared a bedroom. After I hit puberty too I started to enjoy it even more, until my brother suddenly put an end to it, which left me frustrated at age 12 but a lot more was to come after that.
 
A lot of this is very much like my brother and me at the start, him being only about 3 years older, me 10 him 13, I hadn't hit puberty he had and he began using me for sexual experiences but this was because our Dad had already been doing it with him. So my Dad was the route cause but I never was forced by my brother i did it willingly as we also shared a bedroom. After I hit puberty too I started to enjoy it even more, until my brother suddenly put an end to it, which left me frustrated at age 12 but a lot more was to come after that.
This is how it was with my brother except his catalyst was an older boy in the neighborhood.
 
After I hit puberty too I started to enjoy it even more, until my brother suddenly put an end to it, which left me frustrated at age 12 but a lot more was to come after that.
I could've written that too. It's interesting how many of were drawn in by an older brother who had been initiated by the father, and then at the point when we were enjoying and initiating it, the sex suddenly ended leaving us sexually frustrated.
 
I could've written that too. It's interesting how many of were drawn in by an older brother who had been initiated by the father, and then at the point when we were enjoying and initiating it, the sex suddenly ended leaving us sexually frustrated.
It seems one of the most common ways abuse begins Dad goes after one then he practices what he learnt on a younger sibling. In my case my frustration took a different direction after my brother told me about Dad. I was unhappy as my parents were divorved and i had a verbal/physically abusive stepfather who i hated and i wanted to live at my real Dads even though i knew my Dad was a pervert. For me it was a better choice so i went to Dads looking to begin a sexual relationship and of course it soon began.
 
Thank you for having the courage to write this out. I think that my abuser is a closeted gay man who has yet to ever just accept this. He likes the respect and adulation he gets for looking ultra masculine but then craves gay sex which contradicts that in the eyes of most.
 
I dont think my father abused my brother. I believe my brother did it with friends his age. I think there was a group of three of them that gave each other oral sex. Why he did it with me was probably proximity and convenience. We were in the same room at night he had a need and I was there.
 
Thank you so much for sharing this. It really takes a lot of courage to share this. Thank you.

Regarding the porn, it's something that I've struggled with also. Living with childhood sexual trauma I think sexualizes us way too young. Is there any science or studies behind like how we relate to porn. It's something I don't like. Really. I just have these impulses to go see it. Is it a mix of lack of impulse control and early sex trauma? And why do we feel compelled to watch it? Is it to like make sense of sex still? Like, are we trying to make sense of what happened to us?

I watch hetero porn and although not addicted it is something I don't understand why I watch it. It's like I watch it and feel numb inside. Can anyone relate? Thanks everyone it's a wonderful community here.
 
I relate with, " It's like I watch it and feel numb inside." Abuse programmed my nervous system to enjoy disembodied and dissociated sex, a part of me wants to do that again.
 
Hmm yeah I can relate to that. It sucks that a lot of the science and studies around male CSA is just coming out now. People sometimes think we like to watch porn. I realized in 2017 I didn't like it anymore. I wasn't pleasuring myself to it. I just stared and felt numb.

One scenario that happened as a child is that on multiple occasions my cousin was molested in front of me by an older kid. I can imagine this set me off for a while.
 
A lot of this is very much like my brother and me at the start, him being only about 3 years older, me 10 him 13, I hadn't hit puberty he had and he began using me for sexual experiences but this was because our Dad had already been doing it with him. So my Dad was the route cause but I never was forced by my brother i did it willingly as we also shared a bedroom. After I hit puberty too I started to enjoy it even more, until my brother suddenly put an end to it, which left me frustrated at age 12 but a lot more was to come after that.
Similar to your situation as my brother got older he became reluctant. His conscience might have been getting the better of him as he was 17 or 18. I was 13 and more developed and well into puberty. My hormones were surging and I started to like the frequent blow jobs at night. I even became the initiator, and sometime I had to persuade him to do it. By that time I had been conditioned to like it when he was finding a conscience. I think his reluctance, along with my misgivings because I was in junior high and learned that homosexual stuff was bad, led to us stopping the blow jobs maybe 6 mouths to a year before he left home at 19. The blow jobs stopped and I thought they were in my past. However at 16 I found myself in a sexual situation with a male friend of mine and despite my misgivings I overcame those misgivings and gave him a blow job. I knew at the time I shouldn't do it but my desire took over and I did. Afterward I was disgusted with myself that for a few minutes of sexual gratification I risked being exposed to all my friends. As far I as know that friend never said anything about it and I was grateful. That incident troubled me for a long time. Before that I could explain my behavior by being coerced by my brother, but doing it on my own accord with that friend had me really questioning my sexuality.
 
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Similar to your situation as my brother got older he became reluctant. His conscience might have been getting the better of him as he was 17 or 18. I was 13 and more developed and well into puberty. My hormones were surging and I started to like the frequent blow jobs at night. I even became the initiator, and sometime I had to persuade him to do it. By that time I had been conditioned to like it when he was finding a conscience. I think his reluctance, along with my misgivings because I was in junior high and learned that homosexual stuff was bad, led to us stopping the blow jobs maybe 6 mouths to a year before he left home at 19. The blow jobs stopped and I thought they were in my past. However at 16 I found myself in a sexual situation with a male friend of mine and despite my misgivings I overcame those misgivings and gave him a blow job. I knew at the time I shouldn't do it but my desire took over and I did. Afterward I was disgusted with myself that for a few minutes of sexual gratification I risked being exposed to all my friends. As far I as know that friend never said anything about it and I was grateful. That incident troubled me for a long time. Before that I could explain my behavior by being coerced by my brother, but doing it on my own accord with that friend had me really questioning my sexuality.
I'd guess that your brother started to realise that at age 17-18 he was suddenly an adult which means the law if anyone found out about your activities would have looked very unfavourably on him as you were only 13. He would have been charged as an adult with very harsh sentencing so he backed out of it.
 
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