My early sexual development/experience was exclusively homosexual and not of my choosing
I’m not sure when it all started but my brother coerced me to have oral sex with him. He was five years older than me. I can’t put an exact age on it, but the first time we did it he could ejaculate and I couldn’t. His penis was much bigger than mine and he had pubic hair. I had no hair and my penis was small. He was at least 13 or 14 I was 8 or 9. It went on for five years.
He taught me how to masturbate. Once he got me to masturbate it didn’t take long before he started oral. He eventually got me to do it to him. His hormones were surging, and I was pre puberty, so I was not that interested in it. That didn’t matter he was, and he persisted. We shared a bedroom with bunk beds. At night when we went to bed, he would nag me to do it. Sometimes I’d give in other times I wouldn’t. I knew when I felt the bunk bed shaking that he was masturbating so I would pretend to be asleep and not answer him when he asked. Sometimes he would just stand up and start touching my penis without asking. He knew that once he started touching my penis that I would usually end up doing it with him. It did feel good when we did it and sometimes, I did like it, but I didn’t want to do it as often as he did.
I do not remember how often we did it. It could have been once a week or once a month, but it did go on for about five years. What I do remember are specific incidents. I remember him ejaculating in my mouth I didn’t like it. We had our camping tent set up in the backyard and we did it in the tent. We did it in the basement and almost got caught. We did it in the forest where we use to camp. Most of the time it was in our bedroom at night. As I got older, I remember him telling me my penis was getting much bigger. When I became a willing participant, we had a secret hand signal we would give each when we wanted to do it that night. My father caught us one afternoon. He told us to not do that but that was all he said to me. I don’t know if he gave my brother more grief, but he didn’t say anything more to me and the blow jobs went on for years.
During the early stages when I was around nine or ten. I acted out with two of my young friends. One was during a sleep over at his house. Somehow, we ended up naked, and I wanted to show him something that felt really good. I did it to him he had an orgasm but didn’t ejaculate. He didn’t reciprocate. With the other boy I did it in his garage but just touched his penis with my lips. He told his mother, who told my mother and I got in trouble. She asked me why I did it, and I lied and said he was going to beat me up. I didn’t tell her that my brother her son taught me, and it felt good, so I wanted to share that with a friend.
My brother and I continued doing it. We had been doing it from before I hit puberty until I was fully into puberty and my body went through significant changes. By the time it ended my penis was nearly as big as his, I had pubic hair, and I could ejaculate. It was my turn to have the surging hormones. I began to like the blow jobs and many times I became the initiator.
By the time I got in junior high school I began to have genuine misgivings about what we were doing. I was old enough to know that homosexuality was considered depraved by society (my peers), but I didn’t stop. I knew I shouldn’t do it, and several times I told myself I wouldn’t, but the sexual desire was strong, and I’d give in to it.
My brother went into the service when I was 14. I think by that time I was over sexed, and I had no outlet except for masturbation. I did it often. I found a gay sex magazine with very graphic pictures. I masturbated looking at those pictures. After each time I was going to throw the magazine away, but I didn’t and when the urge came over me, I’d look at it again. I eventually did finally throw it away. I did not want to have those types of homosexual thoughts anymore.
Other than when I had the gay magazine my masturbation thoughts were mostly about girls and I had a collection of dirty magazines (Playboy, Penthouse…) hidden; however, I had doubts and or questions about my own sexuality. I liked giving and receiving oral sex. My brother and I were still doing it when I was old enough to know better, but I still chose to do it. When my sex drive fully kicked in, I liked the oral sex, but I think I hated myself for liking it. If anyone of my peers knew that about me, I would have been devastating.
I didn’t think I was homosexual. All my love interests were girls. Through elementary and junior high I had at least four girls that I had a very strong emotional attachment to, and it certainly felt like love. I liked girls, I hadn’t had sex with any yet, but I never had those strong affection type of feelings for a boy. It was a dilemma as I was attracted to opposite sex romantically but the only sexual gratification I had was homosexual. Junior high was tough for me I had low self-esteem and was very shy. I failed the seventh grade and thought I was a loser. I was not happy. I don’t know if it was the homosexual activities or not, but I know I did not like the fact that I engaged in homosexual acts. Once my brother left the blow jobs stopped, and I felt better for it. However, something happened when I was around 15 or 16 a couple of years after my brother moved away. Me and another boy, a friend of mine, were talking about masturbating and we ended up in my basement jacking off. While watching him I got the urge and against my better judgement I suck his penis. He let me do it, but he didn’t reciprocate. He left once we were done. I was scared to death thinking that he might tell people. I worried about that for a long time and hated myself for doing it. I never did it again. As far as I know he never told anyone, but we never hung out again after that. I came close to calling him once but didn’t have the courage to face him.
Once I had a serious girlfriend, and the homosexual opportunity was gone, I didn’t regret it. High school was a much better experience for me.
I got married and I eventually told my wife about my brother and me. She was very understanding and talking to her about it was helpful. I was never able to talk to anyone about what my brother did. Finally having someone to talk to was liberating. I never told my parents. I always wondered why my father didn’t separate us when he caught us doing it.
My relationship with my brother has always been strained at times it felt awkward. We lived in different cities and didn’t communicate much. If we did talk it was me that called. We never talked about what we did. I wonder if he ever thinks about it and regrets doing it. I’ve heard him talk negatively about homosexuals using derogatory terms about them. When he talks that way I can’t help thinking ‘what about us we were doing those disgusting homosexual things.’ I feel he took something from me. I became sexually active too young. I didn’t discover sex on my own timeline, and I did not have a chance to develop my own personal preferences. My first sexual experiences were all homosexual. I associated the good feeling of an orgasm exclusively with blow jobs for five years. I was awkwardly shy and self-conscious around girls. I was 19 the first time I had sex with a female
I have been married to the same woman for a very long time. My early experiences are part of me. I can rationalize what happened to me and how I came to like it. Even now the thought of having homosexual relations is erotic to me. I watch gay porn periodically. I have dreams and fantasies about doing it, but I have never cheated on my wife and never would (except for the porn). The fantasies are there but they are just that fantasies nothing I am compelled to act on. I wonder if I would be having these thoughts if my early sexual experiences were different. I know I am not homosexual, but the sex part is appealing to me. It is just a sex craving not a romantic emotional thing.
Writing this account of my sexual past was cathartic. It felt good to write it down. It gave me the same feeling of respite as when I confessed my past to my wife. I never told anyone about my early childhood sexual experiences I appreciate having this chance to communicate it to someone even if it is anonymously.
He taught me how to masturbate. Once he got me to masturbate it didn’t take long before he started oral. He eventually got me to do it to him. His hormones were surging, and I was pre puberty, so I was not that interested in it. That didn’t matter he was, and he persisted. We shared a bedroom with bunk beds. At night when we went to bed, he would nag me to do it. Sometimes I’d give in other times I wouldn’t. I knew when I felt the bunk bed shaking that he was masturbating so I would pretend to be asleep and not answer him when he asked. Sometimes he would just stand up and start touching my penis without asking. He knew that once he started touching my penis that I would usually end up doing it with him. It did feel good when we did it and sometimes, I did like it, but I didn’t want to do it as often as he did.
I do not remember how often we did it. It could have been once a week or once a month, but it did go on for about five years. What I do remember are specific incidents. I remember him ejaculating in my mouth I didn’t like it. We had our camping tent set up in the backyard and we did it in the tent. We did it in the basement and almost got caught. We did it in the forest where we use to camp. Most of the time it was in our bedroom at night. As I got older, I remember him telling me my penis was getting much bigger. When I became a willing participant, we had a secret hand signal we would give each when we wanted to do it that night. My father caught us one afternoon. He told us to not do that but that was all he said to me. I don’t know if he gave my brother more grief, but he didn’t say anything more to me and the blow jobs went on for years.
During the early stages when I was around nine or ten. I acted out with two of my young friends. One was during a sleep over at his house. Somehow, we ended up naked, and I wanted to show him something that felt really good. I did it to him he had an orgasm but didn’t ejaculate. He didn’t reciprocate. With the other boy I did it in his garage but just touched his penis with my lips. He told his mother, who told my mother and I got in trouble. She asked me why I did it, and I lied and said he was going to beat me up. I didn’t tell her that my brother her son taught me, and it felt good, so I wanted to share that with a friend.
My brother and I continued doing it. We had been doing it from before I hit puberty until I was fully into puberty and my body went through significant changes. By the time it ended my penis was nearly as big as his, I had pubic hair, and I could ejaculate. It was my turn to have the surging hormones. I began to like the blow jobs and many times I became the initiator.
By the time I got in junior high school I began to have genuine misgivings about what we were doing. I was old enough to know that homosexuality was considered depraved by society (my peers), but I didn’t stop. I knew I shouldn’t do it, and several times I told myself I wouldn’t, but the sexual desire was strong, and I’d give in to it.
My brother went into the service when I was 14. I think by that time I was over sexed, and I had no outlet except for masturbation. I did it often. I found a gay sex magazine with very graphic pictures. I masturbated looking at those pictures. After each time I was going to throw the magazine away, but I didn’t and when the urge came over me, I’d look at it again. I eventually did finally throw it away. I did not want to have those types of homosexual thoughts anymore.
Other than when I had the gay magazine my masturbation thoughts were mostly about girls and I had a collection of dirty magazines (Playboy, Penthouse…) hidden; however, I had doubts and or questions about my own sexuality. I liked giving and receiving oral sex. My brother and I were still doing it when I was old enough to know better, but I still chose to do it. When my sex drive fully kicked in, I liked the oral sex, but I think I hated myself for liking it. If anyone of my peers knew that about me, I would have been devastating.
I didn’t think I was homosexual. All my love interests were girls. Through elementary and junior high I had at least four girls that I had a very strong emotional attachment to, and it certainly felt like love. I liked girls, I hadn’t had sex with any yet, but I never had those strong affection type of feelings for a boy. It was a dilemma as I was attracted to opposite sex romantically but the only sexual gratification I had was homosexual. Junior high was tough for me I had low self-esteem and was very shy. I failed the seventh grade and thought I was a loser. I was not happy. I don’t know if it was the homosexual activities or not, but I know I did not like the fact that I engaged in homosexual acts. Once my brother left the blow jobs stopped, and I felt better for it. However, something happened when I was around 15 or 16 a couple of years after my brother moved away. Me and another boy, a friend of mine, were talking about masturbating and we ended up in my basement jacking off. While watching him I got the urge and against my better judgement I suck his penis. He let me do it, but he didn’t reciprocate. He left once we were done. I was scared to death thinking that he might tell people. I worried about that for a long time and hated myself for doing it. I never did it again. As far as I know he never told anyone, but we never hung out again after that. I came close to calling him once but didn’t have the courage to face him.
Once I had a serious girlfriend, and the homosexual opportunity was gone, I didn’t regret it. High school was a much better experience for me.
I got married and I eventually told my wife about my brother and me. She was very understanding and talking to her about it was helpful. I was never able to talk to anyone about what my brother did. Finally having someone to talk to was liberating. I never told my parents. I always wondered why my father didn’t separate us when he caught us doing it.
My relationship with my brother has always been strained at times it felt awkward. We lived in different cities and didn’t communicate much. If we did talk it was me that called. We never talked about what we did. I wonder if he ever thinks about it and regrets doing it. I’ve heard him talk negatively about homosexuals using derogatory terms about them. When he talks that way I can’t help thinking ‘what about us we were doing those disgusting homosexual things.’ I feel he took something from me. I became sexually active too young. I didn’t discover sex on my own timeline, and I did not have a chance to develop my own personal preferences. My first sexual experiences were all homosexual. I associated the good feeling of an orgasm exclusively with blow jobs for five years. I was awkwardly shy and self-conscious around girls. I was 19 the first time I had sex with a female
I have been married to the same woman for a very long time. My early experiences are part of me. I can rationalize what happened to me and how I came to like it. Even now the thought of having homosexual relations is erotic to me. I watch gay porn periodically. I have dreams and fantasies about doing it, but I have never cheated on my wife and never would (except for the porn). The fantasies are there but they are just that fantasies nothing I am compelled to act on. I wonder if I would be having these thoughts if my early sexual experiences were different. I know I am not homosexual, but the sex part is appealing to me. It is just a sex craving not a romantic emotional thing.
Writing this account of my sexual past was cathartic. It felt good to write it down. It gave me the same feeling of respite as when I confessed my past to my wife. I never told anyone about my early childhood sexual experiences I appreciate having this chance to communicate it to someone even if it is anonymously.
