*Triggers Possible* Saw my uncle today.

[Jacobsjourney]

I don’t know. Kind of confused and just emotionally exhausted.
I stopped by my parents today and when I got there they were in the living room hanging out with my uncle, my primary abuser. I haven’t seen him since before Covid and that was an awkward exchange/hug (long story for another time).
The moment I walked it my heart stopped, my throat went dry, legs weak and unfortunately my dick twitched. He always had that effect on me. I struggled to talk and hold a normal conversation and since I hadn’t seen him in so long my parents and he all wanted to catch up.
I went into the kitchen after awhile, got a drink of water and he walked him and did his usual poke and tickle my belly. This was our kind of (I don’t know what to call it, weird flirtatious exchange). He heat standing there, slyly adjusting himself and looking me up and down. He said I should hang out with him more often and that his place is always open.
I guess I’m just still excited, exhausted, nervous, mad at him, and always confused.
At the end of our conversation in the kitchen, he winked at me, and reached out and squeezed my dick like he used to. I pushed his hand away, but even that was to slow.
I wish that I could say that I wasn’t turned on. I thought that I’d be stronger to be able to finally not let him get to me like this. I wish I could say that I didn’t fantasize about him when I got home. I just hate that he gets into my brain like that.

 

[Dost]

Seeing your abuser in your own home — that would be frightening for me too. Your body’s reaction is not your fault; it’s just a physiological response, not a sign of attraction or consent. You didn’t do anything wrong.

I assume your parents don’t know about what he did? That must make it even more confusing and painful to be around them all together.

 

[GaD3!]

Sorry to be rude, but he is a disgusting pervert and has absolutely no respect for you. It is bad enough that he did his usual routine, but to squeeze your dick is a sickening violation against you.

The physical reactions you experienced when you first saw him is understandable even though it may be disturbing. There was sexual interaction with him, and I assume your body responded and you experienced orgasm at those times. Arousal along with orgasm are very powerful. Our minds remember those intense sensations and even though in the case of abuse they may be forced, or against one's will the memories are still there and later can cause arousal. This is a common issue for many survivors Many will masturbate while fantasizing about the abuse= again very common. It does not mean one approves of what took place or that they wanted what happened. As a T once told me the brain just sees it all as sex not good or bad sex just sex. I well understand how disturbing this is. I too have dealt with these issues, as I said many of us have. If you are not dealing with the abuse in therapy, I would highly recommend that you do so- with a therapist who is trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues. It is very difficult to heal without help. Take care.

 

[Jacobsjourney]

Seeing your abuser in your own home — that would be frightening for me too. Your body’s reaction is not your fault; it’s just a physiological response, not a sign of attraction or consent. You didn’t do anything wrong.

I assume your parents don’t know about what he did? That must make it even more confusing and painful to be around them all together.

Yes. My parents have no idea. I kept things secret since forever.

 

[Jacobsjourney]

Sorry to be rude, but he is a disgusting pervert and has absolutely no respect for you. It is bad enough that he did his usual routine, but to squeeze your dick is a sickening violation against you.

The physical reactions you experienced when you first saw him is understandable even though it may be disturbing. There was sexual interaction with him, and I assume your body responded and you experienced orgasm at those times. Arousal along with orgasm are very powerful. Our minds remember those intense sensations and even though in the case of abuse they may be forced, or against one's will the memories are still there and later can cause arousal. This is a common issue for many survivors Many will masturbate while fantasizing about the abuse= again very common. It does not mean one approves of what took place or that they wanted what happened. As a T once told me the brain just sees it all as sex not good or bad sex just sex. I well understand how disturbing this is. I too have dealt with these issues, as I said many of us have. If you are not dealing with the abuse in therapy, I would highly recommend that you do so- with a therapist who is trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues. It is very difficult to heal without help. Take care.

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate the insight. I have done therapy in the past and had good results, but never really opened up about my past. Mostly was out of fear and not really want to address key issues in my life.
Again I appreciate your comments. I’ve already learned a lot from browsing around here and appreciate the group of us even if it is unfortunate that we need this place.

And yes, he brought me to orgasm and I him many times.
For me it started in the shower with his son, he’s 6 years older than I am and then it progressed to him as the main abuser. Over the years I spent much of my childhood over at his house.

 

[Dost]

Yes. My parents have no idea. I kept things secret since forever.

Are you comfortable sharing why? Please don't feel obligated to answer. May we all heal.

 

[Georgie]

Since I understand your recent encounter with him was alone in the kitchen, you could have batted away his hand and said, "no more."

 

[Jacobsjourney]

Are you comfortable sharing why? Please don't feel obligated to answer. May we all heal.

I think it was the fear of being found out. Guilt, shame.

 

[Jacobsjourney]

Since I understand your recent encounter with him was alone in the kitchen, you could have batted away his hand and said, "no more."

Yes. Thank you. This is one thing that I keep going back to in my head. I should have done this or that…
It’s so weird, often later I then realize. Oh, I’m allowed to say no.

 

[Jacobsjourney]

I don’t know if anyone else can relate, I don’t consider myself whorish, even though I’ve had plenty of my slutty ways through like.
Someone here called it “acting out”
I like that phrase as I didn’t realize how often I do that.
I’m one of those people that if someone came up to me randomly and say flashed me or something, (just a random hypothetical trying to out into words) and then told me to perform some act, I’d be annoyed, afraid, all of the emotions of course, but then would just do it as it’s basically just a body function.
Spending more and more time here is helping me to realize just how sexual I’ve made everything in life and that I need a therapist and helpful circles like this place. Thanks everyone.

 

[Dost]

In my own way, I can relate. When I tried same sex experience after the original abuse, which was 20 years later. I was 13 when the abuse happened. I would just go along with whatever the other man wanted. It did not even matter if I found him attractive or not. My body acted as if it was under a spell, the same way it did when I was abused.

 

[Kintsugi]

I am so grateful for each of you. Your honesty in sharing keeps finding more and more parts of me that I kept hidden because I could not fathom anyone else who would understand my experiences and responses. I couldn’t even begin to think of the words I could use—but y’all just did! Being ‘around’ all of you is lifting off this “freak” label I had applied to myself.

 

[Dost]

I am so grateful for each of you. Your honesty in sharing keeps finding more and more parts of me that I kept hidden because I could not fathom anyone else who would understand my experiences and responses. I couldn’t even begin to think of the words I could use—but y’all just did! Being ‘around’ all of you is lifting off this “freak” label I had applied to myself.

Touched.
Tears.

 

[Kintsugi]

I don’t know if anyone else can relate, I don’t consider myself whorish, even though I’ve had plenty of my slutty ways through like.
Someone here called it “acting out”
I like that phrase as I didn’t realize how often I do that.
I’m one of those people that if someone came up to me randomly and say flashed me or something, (just a random hypothetical trying to out into words) and then told me to perform some act, I’d be annoyed, afraid, all of the emotions of course, but then would just do it as it’s basically just a body function.
Spending more and more time here is helping me to realize just how sexual I’ve made everything in life and that I need a therapist and helpful circles like this place. Thanks everyone.

-

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I wish that I could say that I wasn’t turned on. I thought that I’d be stronger to be able to finally not let him get to me like this. I wish I could say that I didn’t fantasize about him when I got home. I just hate that he gets into my brain like that.

I get it. I rarely but sometimes see my first abuser, and live close to the second one. I just know what it feels like to see them.
Having them touch you must be terrible. You have the right to feel confused. I learned that the body not always does what we like, but reacts to what it knows. It’s not you, it your brain. Seeing this and talking about this is the first step to find the right way for you to change that.
Thank you for sharing and sorry you had to endure this awful moment