*Triggers Possible* My brother
TreeFeller
Registrant
There have been a number of post about brothers lately and one in particular hit me hard. I am not going to say which one or by who here. But I do want to share with you about my brother.
My brother and I were abused together. He was 4 years older than me. The abuse started when I was 4 and he was 8, we were abused by our father and other men until I was 14 and he 18. A little while after it started my brother told me to look at him during the abuse and to keep looking at him. I did, this is what help me get through the abuse. There were time we were not able to see each other but most of the time we could look at each other in the eye. This was the way I could disassociate from the abuse from what wat happening to me. Looking into his eyes I learned to tell when he was in pain or zoned out and I am sure he could see the same in mine. But we were connected through our eyes. When my brother hit puberty he was forced to f*** me and later do other things to me I may share later. If he refused I was beat so to keep me form being beat he complied. When we were sent back to our room after these sessions he would hold me and repeatedly say "I am sorry, I love you " over and over while holding and rocking me. He was finally able to get us away shortly after he turned 18.
The abuse f-ed us up. It made a mash up of love sex and affection, it blurred boundaries. I loved my brother, he love me, we were all each other had. My brother and I had sex, loving sex until the day before he died. I know this is f-ed up, but we were both f-ed up. My brother carried great shame and guilt for not being able to protect me and save me earlier and for the things he was forced to do to me. I have never held it against him, I never blamed him, I loved him. After we escaped he turned to drugs, not heavy user but enough to numb is guilt and shame. He got me through high school. He got me a job, we had our own sex lives separate from each other he with women me with men as we continued our sexual relationship. The abuse caused me to be hypersexual, addicted to sex, and i sought out older men or groups of men to in some way reenacted the abuse, I still do. During the week before he died my brother kept asking me if I felt safe and was ok and assured me he loved me was deeply sorry. That Friday, Oct 4, 2019, my brother killed himself. He could not live with the deep guilt and shame he felt and how f-ed up he was.
I cannot express how deeply I miss my brother, how empty I feel inside. Like another member who expressed the same, I would do anything to have him back.
My brother and I were abused together. He was 4 years older than me. The abuse started when I was 4 and he was 8, we were abused by our father and other men until I was 14 and he 18. A little while after it started my brother told me to look at him during the abuse and to keep looking at him. I did, this is what help me get through the abuse. There were time we were not able to see each other but most of the time we could look at each other in the eye. This was the way I could disassociate from the abuse from what wat happening to me. Looking into his eyes I learned to tell when he was in pain or zoned out and I am sure he could see the same in mine. But we were connected through our eyes. When my brother hit puberty he was forced to f*** me and later do other things to me I may share later. If he refused I was beat so to keep me form being beat he complied. When we were sent back to our room after these sessions he would hold me and repeatedly say "I am sorry, I love you " over and over while holding and rocking me. He was finally able to get us away shortly after he turned 18.
The abuse f-ed us up. It made a mash up of love sex and affection, it blurred boundaries. I loved my brother, he love me, we were all each other had. My brother and I had sex, loving sex until the day before he died. I know this is f-ed up, but we were both f-ed up. My brother carried great shame and guilt for not being able to protect me and save me earlier and for the things he was forced to do to me. I have never held it against him, I never blamed him, I loved him. After we escaped he turned to drugs, not heavy user but enough to numb is guilt and shame. He got me through high school. He got me a job, we had our own sex lives separate from each other he with women me with men as we continued our sexual relationship. The abuse caused me to be hypersexual, addicted to sex, and i sought out older men or groups of men to in some way reenacted the abuse, I still do. During the week before he died my brother kept asking me if I felt safe and was ok and assured me he loved me was deeply sorry. That Friday, Oct 4, 2019, my brother killed himself. He could not live with the deep guilt and shame he felt and how f-ed up he was.
I cannot express how deeply I miss my brother, how empty I feel inside. Like another member who expressed the same, I would do anything to have him back.
