Incestuous Abuse Disclosed to my sister.

Incestuous Abuse Disclosed to my sister.
I disclosed to my sister early in this process, about 6 months ago. At that point I said I remembered doing things with my cousin and thought grandpa was there. Fast forward almost 6 months and now I'm certain Grandpa abused me from about 4 to 11 years old, and abused my cousin at least once. After speaking with my mom I learned there was no time in my life when I got consistent time away from grandpa. Even after the family moved south he visited regularly. This changed my earlier assessment that I had some time to find myself after moving south without his influence.

It seems that every time I think there's no way he had enough access to account for the memories I'm having, I find out he had more access than I previously thought.

When I visited my sister I let her know my memories have been returning and Grandpa absolutely abused me for years. She didn't express any doubt. She didn't ask if I'm sure or how I know. She was just sympathetic and angry at him for betraying us both. She took care of him at the end of his life. She said with disgust "I helped him with his catheter. If I had known I would have ripped it right out of him!" I told her I appreciate her anger and maybe one day I'll feel the same way, but right now anger is hard to find.

It felt good to talk with her and my husband for a couple hours. She shared her memories with the family and her own trauma and recovery, and my husband shared some of his experiences as a survivor.

I learned about similar coping strategies we developed growing up together. She recalled getting into an argument with Dad and screaming within earshot of the whole family including visiting aunts, uncles and grandparents "I hate this family!" He hit her, she fell, and he hit her again. Just like me, she said something like "you know how I would get, I was pushing him and had it coming." I assured her that no matter how difficult she may have been, it was his duty to deescalate. I remember him striking me when I thought I was trying to be good and keep him happy.

I never blamed him, and when he recently cried expressing regret for hitting me years ago, I became confused and concerned for his wellbeing. I soothed him like I hurt him. I still don't know how to hold these feelings for what I endured. For parents allowing me around family they knew was emotionally abusive. For a grandfather who abused me for years and a grandmother who looked the other way. I would expect anger but it hasn't come yet. Just endless sorrow for what was lost. For the boy who felt so alone for so long. But it's these interactions with my sister and my husband that have brought the most relief.
 
I’ll echo what ducky said, that was very brave. It’s OK to feel what you feel. If you don’t feel anger right now that’s OK. I know I disclosed to a really good friend about two weeks ago and it was amazing the range of emotions he went through. I think anger is a very common one, but not everybody feels it the same way or at the same time. You took a huge step and it sounds like it turned out really well for you. I’m so happy.
 
very brave sir
Thank you. When it first happened I had planned on avoiding the topic while calling her about something else. But she knew I was hiding something so I just started telling her everything I knew at that point. With long periods of silence due to us just being busy, I began getting a little apprehensive like I freaked her out. She has always been there for me. She chased away the bullies on the playground.
 
I’ll echo what ducky said, that was very brave. It’s OK to feel what you feel. If you don’t feel anger right now that’s OK. I know I disclosed to a really good friend about two weeks ago and it was amazing the range of emotions he went through. I think anger is a very common one, but not everybody feels it the same way or at the same time. You took a huge step and it sounds like it turned out really well for you. I’m so happy.
At first I was worried it was performative but it was real and yes amazing in a way. Thank you Steve I appreciate you responding and your support.
 
@the-part-that-stayed you and I share a common background it seems. At 4 my grandpa was molesting me... he lived directly next door so there was constant access. My sister was one of the very first people I told and has been so supportive of me. My dad is a bit of a hot issue too... anyway, just thought I'd let you know aren't alone in this. Get in touch anytime if you'd like.
 
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