Father and Mother Wound

Father and Mother Wound
"The father wound hits the core of identity. The father was supposed to be the first mirror of healthy masculinity. A reference for balanced strength, grounded presence, and emotional courage. When that mirror is cracked or missing, the result is a man divided, confident on the outside but empty on the inside. Afraid someone will see through the mask and see he's not enough. Becoming hypercompetitive, needing to control, or prove something. And/or, avoid conflict, withdraw from life, and shrink. Waiting for permission to fully exist in either case."

"The mother is the first image if the world. When that image fails, the child doesn't just feel pain, they build an inner world where love is unstable and affection is dangerous. The self must be reshaped to survive emotionally."

I saw some videos about Carl Jung and these were lines in them that described something that fit so perfectly amd painfully.
It might not always be biological parents, but those who were in that guardian role can cause this.

I feel divided. I present as confident on the outside and empty feelings on the inside. I am hypercompetitive and feel the need to prove something, but never fulfilled. I also avoid conflict, withdraw from life, and shrink. I feel like I'm waiting for permission to fully exist. Afraid that I'll be exposed as not enough. I feel that love is unstable and affection can be dangerous (mistrust). I've reshaped myself emotionally to survive.
Facing all of this feels like an identity crisis. That's why it hurts so much and is so fucking hard. Throw on all the other abuse, neglect, and self destructive crap along the way and it feels overwhelmingly unbearable at times.

There are conflicting parts. One that says fuck all of you and what you did and didn't do. One that says I love you for the bits of what I did get, no matter how fucked up at times. One that understands that hurt people hurt people and another that says fuck that, you aren't letting them off the hook that easy. One that wants to let go of all of this emotional mess and one that wants to hang on to and feel all of it no matter how uncomfortable.
I'm trying to fill the missing voids myself and maybe feel safe enough to allow others in to help in some ways. It feels like an internal battle.
Maybe this is what it all is and maybe needs to be. I'm not sure what I need or want in all of this. Maybe this is part of giving myself permission to exist and letting others see that I am enough even if Ifeel flawed. I'm probably not the only one that feels some of this. It hurts to think others suffer like this too.
 
no you're not the only one. interestingly enough; you, i and anyone can come across these observations and statements like with Jung or any other choice example. -- it is quite a feeling. they certainly didn't know us or anything about our lives, yet they can because it is so commonplace it is observable.

i relate to your post.
I feel divided. I present as confident on the outside and empty feelings on the inside. I am hypercompetitive and feel the need to prove something, but never fulfilled. I also avoid conflict, withdraw from life, and shrink. I feel like I'm waiting for permission to fully exist. Afraid that I'll be exposed as not enough. I feel that love is unstable and affection can be dangerous (mistrust). I've reshaped myself emotionally to survive.
Facing all of this feels like an identity crisis. That's why it hurts so much and is so fucking hard. Throw on all the other abuse, neglect, and self destructive crap along the way and it feels overwhelmingly unbearable at times.
while your words are relatable, in respect of your words and your expression. im thinking to myself about you and what it all must mean and be like for you, though i don't actually know you.. if you were speaking here i would listen intently and sit with you quietly or in conversation. its all very perplexing. thank you
 
There are conflicting parts. One that says fuck all of you and what you did and didn't do. One that says I love you for the bits of what I did get, no matter how fucked up at times. One that understands that hurt people hurt people and another that says fuck that, you aren't letting them off the hook that easy. One that wants to let go of all of this emotional mess and one that wants to hang on to and feel all of it no matter how uncomfortable.
There are conflicting feelings and conflicting parts of us - very well said. I find what the 8 yo part of me needs and wants and feels is often at odds with what the 13 yo part of me needs and wants and feels. To feel those conflicting things does make it hard… almost unbearable, really. And you (adult you) had to acknowledge the legitimacy of both to yourself, and then gets to make the ultimate decision on what to do about it. It feels very much like parenting two kids empathy and understanding for both, but sometimes having to disappoint one part of yourself or the other.

Whether to feel anger at my father, express it, and put the responsibility back on him was an example of that. From probably age 12 to age 50, the 8 yo won any conflicting feelings and actions towards my father. Because… his needs were HUGE, and because as a teenager I suppressed everything and felt little - following the lead of the 8 yo. Having a father, having that relationship, reconciling, keeping that relationship - were more important to me.

At age 50, after a lot of work, I realized I was “stuck” in a lot of ways because I hadn’t let the teen part (who was angry, who needed to have a voice) have his true needs met. And adult me - chose to tell that young part that it was okay to be angry; that he was still safe and wouldn’t wreck everything good by letting his older teen self loose with his feelings.

My T said once to me: “My definition of mental health is being able to feel two conflicting things, and being okay sitting with both feelings” (vs trying to escape, vs quickly shutting one down, etc.).

And yeah… parent wounds are the worst.
 
no you're not the only one. interestingly enough; you, i and anyone can come across these observations and statements like with Jung or any other choice example. -- it is quite a feeling. they certainly didn't know us or anything about our lives, yet they can because it is so commonplace it is observable.

i relate to your post.

while your words are relatable, in respect of your words and your expression. im thinking to myself about you and what it all must mean and be like for you, though i don't actually know you.. if you were speaking here i would listen intently and sit with you quietly or in conversation. its all very perplexing. thank you
It's wild how I can relate to so much of what I observe. It always has me doing some introspection. No matter how different our stories are, the after affects seem similar across a spectrum for the most part (of course each of us are different). I have to admit that expressing this stuff is difficult but feels necessary. It's definitely perplexing. Thank you for listening and responding. Hope you are doing well. Peace and love. 🙏
 
There are conflicting feelings and conflicting parts of us - very well said. I find what the 8 yo part of me needs and wants and feels is often at odds with what the 13 yo part of me needs and wants and feels. To feel those conflicting things does make it hard… almost unbearable, really. And you (adult you) had to acknowledge the legitimacy of both to yourself, and then gets to make the ultimate decision on what to do about it. It feels very much like parenting two kids empathy and understanding for both, but sometimes having to disappoint one part of yourself or the other.

Whether to feel anger at my father, express it, and put the responsibility back on him was an example of that. From probably age 12 to age 50, the 8 yo won any conflicting feelings and actions towards my father. Because… his needs were HUGE, and because as a teenager I suppressed everything and felt little - following the lead of the 8 yo. Having a father, having that relationship, reconciling, keeping that relationship - were more important to me.

At age 50, after a lot of work, I realized I was “stuck” in a lot of ways because I hadn’t let the teen part (who was angry, who needed to have a voice) have his true needs met. And adult me - chose to tell that young part that it was okay to be angry; that he was still safe and wouldn’t wreck everything good by letting his older teen self loose with his feelings.

My T said once to me: “My definition of mental health is being able to feel two conflicting things, and being okay sitting with both feelings” (vs trying to escape, vs quickly shutting one down, etc.).

And yeah… parent wounds are the worst.
Great insight. I've read quite a bit of your posts. I feel different parts of my younger self. There is a hurt part inside of the younger part that feels stuck. The teenage part has it's own set of feelings along with other parts at different ages. The adult me is definitely trying to pull all of these divided parts back together to feel whole. Sitting with two conflicting feelings is difficult, but beginning to move forward. Thank you for listening and responding. Hope you are well. Peace and love. 🙏
 
This needs to be a tshirt! Giving my self permission to exist even though I feel flawed! Thanks for those powerful words..
Making shirt logos out this stuff...that's some pressure 😆 Lol. Sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm expressing makes sense or is helpful. I'm glad you found something helpful. Thank you for listening and responding. Hope you are well. Peace and love. 🙏
 
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