*Triggers Possible* Afraid

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*Triggers Possible* Afraid
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WeDeservedBetter

I try to be supportive of others. I reflect on others posts. I never made my own post before because deep inside I am afraid. I deeply feel for everyone's suffering and fears, as I have my own. I think I have it "figured out" but that's fake. I'm lying to myself.
I could talk about being abandoned by my biological father at age 4 or 5.
I could talk about my drunk stepfather beat my ass. Or he beat my brothers ass. Or he would try to have his drunk fatherly talks. Or he would fight with and hit my mother. Or he was just another child my mother had to take care of.
I could talk about my mother never told me she loved me. Or she never hugged me. Or she would yell at me to go away. Or I had to deal with her feelings and failing relationship. Or she allowed me to spend the night at a pedophiles house for years.
I could talk about me jerking and sucking him off. Or French kissing me. Or forcing his fingers in me. Or fucking me. Or telling me how beautiful it was. Or making me watch in the mirror. Or making me talk dirty and tell him how much I wanted it. Or him sucking me. Or having me fuck him. Or farting out semen, vaseline, and blood. Or he hurt me so bad where I couldn't shit. Or how I loved him. Or he actually showed me attention my parents didn't. Or this went on for years.

I could talk about how I hated myself. Or felt worthless, disgusting, ashamed, hurt, betrayed, etc. Or how I abused drugs and myself. Or I planned to kill him. Or I tried to kill myself before and have those thoughts over the years. Or how much they all broke my fucking heart.
Theses are just some of things to unpack and discuss, but at the core I am afraid.

Afraid to feel, afraid of people, afraid to experience and explore my life, afraid to want children, afraid to be myself, afraid to fully feel wonderful about being a father and husband, afraid to trust myself, afraid to trust others, afraid to have close friends or any friends, afraid to show my wife and daughter how much I truly love them, afraid to appreciate good things in life, afraid to write this post, afraid to depend on another person, afraid to love myself.
Afraid to show anyone any of this because they might see how weak, pathetic, worthless, disgusting, and fucked up I am. And then I will be all alone and afraid.

I didn't do anything to deserve any of this.

I don't know what I need or why I am posting this, but I feel like I need to.
 
@WeDeservedBetter - I really like your username because it's so true! I wish I knew something I could say or tell you that would help. There are so many things you said that I recognize in myself... maybe not today, but I can't tell you when things changed in me. I started by at the very least liking myself (notice I don't say love - I'm not sure I understand or trust that word). I really hope you feel better soon... you are worth it. You deserve better! Take care.
 
No, you did not do anything to deserve all that you have experienced. You are not weak, pathetic, worthless or disgusting or fucked up. You are wounded and hurting. You are not alone in this, we are here for you. It is ok to so openly express what you are feeling, sometimes it is necessary to do so. It is like shedding light into a place of darkness. There is hope, it may not seem that way at the moment, but things are not always what they seem, so cling to the hope. I truly wish you peace and healing. If I can help in any way, feel free to reach out. Please take care.
 
Silly said:
@WeDeservedBetter - I really like your username because it's so true! I wish I knew something I could say or tell you that would help. There are so many things you said that I recognize in myself... maybe not today, but I can't tell you when things changed in me. I started by at the very least liking myself (notice I don't say love - I'm not sure I understand or trust that word). I really hope you feel better soon... you are worth it. You deserve better! Take care.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for listening and being supportive. Love is a twisted mess for most of us I imagine. I wanted to tell that I read your letter, and oh man I feel you. 🫂
 
GaD3! said:
No, you did not do anything to deserve all that you have experienced. You are not weak, pathetic, worthless or disgusting or fucked up. You are wounded and hurting. You are not alone in this, we are here for you. It is ok to so openly express what you are feeling, sometimes it is necessary to do so. It is like shedding light into a place of darkness. There is hope, it may not seem that way at the moment, but things are not always what they seem, so cling to the hope. I truly wish you peace and healing. If I can help in any way, feel free to reach out. Please take care.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for listening. It was a spiraling kind of day and I needed to get some of this out somehow no matter how afraid I felt and didn't want to. I here everything you said and appreciate the support and encouragement. I hope the gardening is going well and wish you peace too. 🙏
 
@WeDeservedBetter

So sorry for what you have been through. None of it was your fault. Sometimes it's good to vent out your feelings. That's what we're here for to listen to others and support them the best way we can by being understanding without passing judgement. You are never alone. You have all of us here. A place where you can feel safe and not afraid. I can relate to some of your story. I know what it feels like never hearing I love you by your mother. I know it must have been hard to see your mother get hit by your father cause had to see my mother get beaten up by my father. So remember you are loved here on MS and we're here for you. Take care and wish you well and hope you feel better soon.
 
Glad you are here. Hope you can find peace and acceptance here and in your life. Be great if I could give you a big hug as you deserve a lot of them and not what happened to you
 
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