Disclosing Abuse Parts Communication (TW COCSA)

[blackrabbit223]

Last night I was listening to a video geared towards younger members of a system because I was curious, and one of them actually came out to speak with me. She’s not comfortable sharing her name, so I’ll just call her G. She told me about the COCSA with Logan, but through drawings instead of words. I know what happened from being told about it before, but it’s another thing to be feeling someone hold a pen and moving your hands to draw something you’re visualizing, but half a second or so behind them.

I’ve described this feeling of body-sharing in the past (not here): It's like I was a shirt and she was a coat, she was on the surface but I was there too and just underneath, and if someone needed the shirt then the coat would be taken off and put back in the closet.

It’s like I’m always here in the body to some extent, and other people come and go but even if they’re out, I can always be called upon. I never fully lose control, or that’s at least what I tell myself.

G drew the three instances of abuse we remember with him - once by the big tree, once in his house, once in the middle of the road outside our house. But it wasn’t big scenes, just detached parts. Like separate models in a game instead of the entire level at once. Most of it was done through a bird’s eye view which is how we tend to draw things like this. It was like I was watching her speculate on what it would’ve looked like up close, based on the three or so flashes of memory we have.

She wrote a note at the end: He showed me his penis. I don’t know if he touched my privates sorry [my name]. I told her it was okay that she couldn’t remember.

DID is strange, if that’s even what I have. I never fully lose control of the body, or if I do I don’t remember it. But I don’t remember having any kind of lost time either, I never suddenly come to not knowing where I am or why I’ve bought something. I do seem to have trouble remembering how much time has passed, I’ll think something that happened last year was a couple days ago, or that something a few days old happened last week. I’ve been evaluated for ADHD, and the results were “undetermined” because of the amount of trauma and potential dissociative disorder.

And if I was making this up, I don’t know why there would be a bunch of young girls and women in here with me. It makes gender, sexuality and dysphoria so complicated, because the further along I go in my transition, the more dysphoric the female alters get about being in a body that has facial hair now and doesn’t get periods anymore. What would be the point of doing any of this on purpose?

Diagnosis is going to take a hell of a long time, especially because I’m planning on moving abroad and insurance works differently there. I feel like my OCD-riddled brain will never be satisfied until I get direct confirmation I have DID (or OSDD?) via diagnosis, but even then I’ll probably still question that I’m actually making everything up. But this just proves to me that no, what I’m experiencing is real. Why would I be doing it on purpose?

 

[KevinGKG]

But it wasn’t big scenes, just detached parts. Like separate models in a game instead of the entire level at once. Most of it was done through a bird’s eye view which is how we tend to draw things like this. It was like I was watching her speculate on what it would’ve looked like up close, based on the three or so flashes of memory we have.

This is facinating to me. So much of what I understood about some of my experiences stayed with me like this- fragments or vignettes. Thank you for sharing this.

 

[blackrabbit223]

This is facinating to me. So much of what I understood about some of my experiences stayed with me like this- fragments or vignettes. Thank you for sharing this.

You’re welcome, I appreciate your comment.

 

[Visitor]

As I explored my own fragmentation I read a great deal about dissociation and how it works. I came upon this website with very useful information.

Structural Dissociation | DID-Research.org

When people are not supported in processing trauma, they may struggle to integrate the trauma into their narrative and acknowledge its effects on them.

did-research.org

I experienced what is called "Secondary Structural Dissociation" which is less intense that DID, which in this system is called "Tertiary Structural Dissociation." When we go down this route of understanding, we likely encounter Internal Family Systems which talks explicitly about "parts" of our personality that are active in our mental world. It is very useful to recognize that not all the struggles we've experienced are evidence that we are somehow defective or perverted. We have often conflicting "parts" of ourselves that become activated by stressors in our lives. The deeper the trauma we experience, the farther away we need to go to survive. Living in dissociated parts is the time honored way of doing that. I appreciate that you are working hard to unpack all of this material. I hope you have support beyond what you find here for doing that work.

 

[blackrabbit223]

As I explored my own fragmentation I read a great deal about dissociation and how it works. I came upon this website with very useful information.

Structural Dissociation | DID-Research.org

When people are not supported in processing trauma, they may struggle to integrate the trauma into their narrative and acknowledge its effects on them.

did-research.org

I experienced what is called "Secondary Structural Dissociation" which is less intense that DID, which in this system is called "Tertiary Structural Dissociation." When we go down this route of understanding, we likely encounter Internal Family Systems which talks explicitly about "parts" of our personality that are active in our mental world. It is very useful to recognize that not all the struggles we've experienced are evidence that we are somehow defective or perverted. We have often conflicting "parts" of ourselves that become activated by stressors in our lives. The deeper the trauma we experience, the farther away we need to go to survive. Living in dissociated parts is the time honored way of doing that. I appreciate that you are working hard to unpack all of this material. I hope you have support beyond what you find here for doing that work.

Thank you for your response! I’ve used did-research.org before and it helps a lot. I’m not sure whether I experience secondary or tertiary structural dissociation, because I have a lot of parts but am the main one responsible for normal life stuff. I get too overwhelmed trying to pin everything down, but not knowing exactly what’s going on is difficult, so I need to find a balance in research and pacing myself.

I’ve found that a website called DIS-SOS is useful too, they even have an index of resources for DID and PTSD/CPTSD. It’s run by a DID system and talks about different therapy techniques.

Edit: DID would mean TSD, like you pointed out.

 

[Visitor]

I had to smile when I was reading this, especially after reading a rather dense book called The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and Treatment of Chronic Traumatization, about our having an Apparently Normal Part at the center of our complicated self-structure. I've had a difficult time believing there was anything normal about myself, but reading more deeply I understand that my challenges really came from Emotional Parts that were doing their thing in an effort to survive.

I had a fairly deep conversation some years ago with a person who lives with DID, in which one additional ANP, a woman, shared his journey. In fact, the woman part pursued HRT for ten years, which proved challenging for his wife in normal life. I've never had a part which had a separate existence. I've lost no time or location. But there have been self-states that have played their games with me... usually in the form of sexual acting out. Yes, it is helpful to understand how all of this is unfolding. I've spent some time on YouTube with folks sharing their DID experience. It is really important not to pathologize our response to trauma. All we've ever done is try to survive.. Take care my friend.

 

[blackrabbit223]

I had to smile when I was reading this, especially after reading a rather dense book called The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and Treatment of Chronic Traumatization, about our having an Apparently Normal Part at the center of our complicated self-structure. I've had a difficult time believing there was anything normal about myself, but reading more deeply I understand that my challenges really came from Emotional Parts that were doing their thing in an effort to survive.

I had a fairly deep conversation some years ago with a person who lives with DID, in which one additional ANP, a woman, shared his journey. In fact, the woman part pursued HRT for ten years, which proved challenging for his wife in normal life. I've never had a part which had a separate existence. I've lost no time or location. But there have been self-states that have played their games with me... usually in the form of sexual acting out. Yes, it is helpful to understand how all of this is unfolding. I've spent some time on YouTube with folks sharing their DID experience. It is really important not to pathologize our response to trauma. All we've ever done is try to survive.. Take care my friend.

I’ve heard that The Haunted Self is well-written but a very long book, I might check it out sometime.

I can imagine that having a female part transitioning in a male body would make things complicated for everyone involved. I know how terrible dysphoria can be, especially if you’re in the body of a person who insists living as the opposite gender. Our own journey on HRT has been complicated. It’s a delicate balance to keep everyone satisfied with the changes, while also understanding that not all of us will be.

I really like that last part, “All we’ve ever done is try to survive”. Take care too @Visitor.

 

[KevinGKG]

We have often conflicting "parts" of ourselves that become activated by stressors in our lives. The deeper the trauma we experience, the farther away we need to go to survive.

Interesting! Thanks for sharing this link.

 

[Visitor]

Interesting! Thanks for sharing this link.

It helps to stop pathologizing our attempts to survive. We don't make rational decisions after thoughtful analyses simply because our bodies are designed to react automatically. It is called the autonomic nervous system and it has been operating in animals, including humans for millions of years. Understanding that diminishes the need to criticize ourselves for what we've done in the moment to survive. It has been observed that because the trauma happened for most of us early in life, the defenses we could mobilize are very primitive. The stories we've told ourselves about who we are and what is happening in the world are fictions created by a frightened child. Now that we're adults we have an opportunity to consider both what happened and how we responded from a different perspective. Fortunately, there has been a great deal learned about trauma the last forty years, so if we're interested we can both understand what happened and find healthy ways to respond. Healing is possible but it will be the adult in the room who guides the process.

 

[Visitor]

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