*Triggers Possible* Confusion
FindingLoveInMyself
Registrant
I’m having a lot of weird emotions and I’ve been trying to figure out how to post about it. I remember being assaulted when I was 13 and I remember these fragments with a whole lot of missing pieces. It hasn’t all come back and I’m not sure it ever will. I used to really focus on trying to remember everything and have recently begun to accept that maybe that isn’t what I need to heal.
As I’ve been going deeper in therapy I’ve had more memories and fragments come to the surface. It’s led to what I’m trying to communicate. I feel nauseous writing this. It’s not really any crazy detail of the assault that is upsetting me. It’s this thing I’ve always known and couldn’t deal with.
Basically, the main offender’s actions, energy and behavior before, during and after the assault are so confusing and weird. He was this mixture of aggressively mean, tender and also violent at times. I’m starting to realize how confusing all this was to me at the time and how that’s affected me ever since. I’m having a really hard time getting to my point.
I guess I’ve had enough fragments come back that it seems clear he was attracted to me sexually and yet was condemning me and humiliating me all at the same time. It’s just a mind fuck. I don’t know if it makes sense. I guess I find it really confusing how he was seemingly so turned on by what he was doing to me. I know this seems kinda obvious to be upset about and I guess I just blocked it out for so long that it still seems so fresh. Whether he was getting off on hurting me or if it was some attraction to me.
It’s led to me being disgusted by male sexuality. If I see a man pursuing anyone sexually, I’m repulsed. When men display sexual behavior I tend to think of them like predators. I have this distortion with what is healthy and ok and what’s too much. I told my therapist this last week and she asked me if I thought the mother of my kids was a predator because she pursued me. I don’t. I don’t really know how I was able to reciprocate and I don’t know how I ever initiated sex and I definitely did. I know some if not most of it was dissociation. I don’t know, it’s just all these seemingly opposing things at once and it’s doing a number on my brain.
I know I can’t be alone in this or at least I hope I’m not. It just makes me feel so vulnerable and weak.
As I’ve been going deeper in therapy I’ve had more memories and fragments come to the surface. It’s led to what I’m trying to communicate. I feel nauseous writing this. It’s not really any crazy detail of the assault that is upsetting me. It’s this thing I’ve always known and couldn’t deal with.
Basically, the main offender’s actions, energy and behavior before, during and after the assault are so confusing and weird. He was this mixture of aggressively mean, tender and also violent at times. I’m starting to realize how confusing all this was to me at the time and how that’s affected me ever since. I’m having a really hard time getting to my point.
I guess I’ve had enough fragments come back that it seems clear he was attracted to me sexually and yet was condemning me and humiliating me all at the same time. It’s just a mind fuck. I don’t know if it makes sense. I guess I find it really confusing how he was seemingly so turned on by what he was doing to me. I know this seems kinda obvious to be upset about and I guess I just blocked it out for so long that it still seems so fresh. Whether he was getting off on hurting me or if it was some attraction to me.
It’s led to me being disgusted by male sexuality. If I see a man pursuing anyone sexually, I’m repulsed. When men display sexual behavior I tend to think of them like predators. I have this distortion with what is healthy and ok and what’s too much. I told my therapist this last week and she asked me if I thought the mother of my kids was a predator because she pursued me. I don’t. I don’t really know how I was able to reciprocate and I don’t know how I ever initiated sex and I definitely did. I know some if not most of it was dissociation. I don’t know, it’s just all these seemingly opposing things at once and it’s doing a number on my brain.
I know I can’t be alone in this or at least I hope I’m not. It just makes me feel so vulnerable and weak.
