What drove you to connect with other survivors?

What drove you to connect with other survivors?
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DerekN1973

Registrant
For many survivors, living in silence is a reality for many years. Because of the shame, it's hard to come to admit that you've experienced ASA. But for those you have come out of the silence, what was it that drove you to tell others and seek support? I know that sometimes the perpetrator dies, or you come into contact with them again. But was there a specific moment or event in your life that triggered you to seek help? What's your story of how you got the courage to become more open about your assault?
 
Hi Derek

The first time I tried to get help it was my wife that help me get into care. I stopped all that in 2000 and when solo for 16 years. Then I had a severe breakdown, it took me a few months to even get to my Doctor and then it took more months until I was seen by a Psychiatrist and started therapy Intake for EMDR. In the mean time I went back online hadn't been on in since 2000. I found a ptsd site and found others I could talk to some but I didn't feel I fit in there. Someone I was talking to sent me a link to here and I found a place I do fit into with some here. Even though our trauma's very a lot we struggle much the same. I still have never shared my story in one place. It is in all the post I have made here and 1 other site most is here. Coming to these sites has allowed me to open up some. I still have stuff I don't talk about but it is coming. The more I talk the more comes out. It is easier to talk here than anywhere else I have been.

Take Care
Esterio
 
At the same time I started getting serious about working on my trauma, I read a book called "Journey Through Trauma" by Gretchen Schmelzer that really helped. At the end of the book, she said that everyone who made it to the other side of trauma should help other people - especially men, who statistically probably commit suicide as often as they heal. As soon as I read that, I was determined to be one of the men who healed and then helped other men.
 
I was in therapy for rage attacks and drug & alcohol addiction. All this stuff came to the surface. I had pushed it down, not even calling it abuse or assault, or rape until I finally started to talk about it & realize what it all really was.
 
Went into recovery for addiction. Realized that seeking abusive sex from men was a direct result of being raped by a man when I was in college. Took a long time to realize that I wasn't responsible for any physical reactions to being assaulted.
 
For me, I'd begun a downward spiral that no amt. of minimizing or normalizing was going to help me out of. After years of walking the walk & talking the talk, all while secretly just wanting to scream, it just took it's toll I suppose. I'd been conflicted b/c of haunting & mixed messages about reporting but also was told it would be best to keep it under wraps. I tried that another twenty years and had become consumed with negative cognitive distortions. Then nightmares, flashbacks & terrors forced my hand. I found my way somehow to this site. Fortunately, I landed in the hands of some experienced trauma experts that supported me attending a WoR event.

Connecting to others dissociating, tremulous, hypervigilant, straining to utter truths of our horrors that would make skin crawl went a long way in helping me recommit to the process of treatment & overall the outcome has been favorable. I read recently that male CSA survivors are 4x's more likely to commit suicide & many of us still engage in self harming behaviors. Therefore, my intent is not to alarm or shock with details but to find positive ways to be supportive of my/our community.

I've been able with a lot of help & T to reframe so many of those old beliefs that were diserving me. I've also connected with some who are recovering from military war zones & that's been pretty validating. One shared an app developed by some kid that emphasizes having 5 contacts you can call during crises. I've been taken back a little by how few have that resource. So, this place has been an invaluable resource for so many I can clearly see like me that may not have 5 but a space where 13k+ are finding hope & strength as necessary or tolerated.

My greatest accomplishment as I see it now was ceasing all contact with the primary abuser after he denied any responsibility after confronted some 22 years ago. An obituary yesterday of a powerful controller in my era has me a little fear based so it is beneficial for me to post this. Thx. And congratulations to all who ceased contact & committed to healing. And connecting!

Some friends from here help keep me grounded & confront me when my thinking starts to stinking. 3/4 of us transitioned from csa to Asa though I still hold myself accountable for things I allowed from 17-20 in accordance with the consent laws in my state. It just took that time to develop a successful strategy to leave the game I got coerced into at 5 I guess is the way I see things now.
 
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My therapist originally. Then she told me to stay away from here and myptsd then she said she thought it was good my trying to help others. I have never been around others in person except twice and the therapist took me or was there both times. I've spent most of my time on myptsd because I couldn't handle being here. I'm much different now but I just came back here a couple days ago.

See how long I make it this time lol.
 
Thanks everyone for your incredible and inspiring stories! I wish you all great inner peace and love to continue on your journeys.
 
DerekN1973 said:
For many survivors, living in silence is a reality for many years. Because of the shame, it's hard to come to admit that you've experienced ASA. But for those you have come out of the silence, what was it that drove you to tell others and seek support? I know that sometimes the perpetrator dies, or you come into contact with them again. But was there a specific moment or event in your life that triggered you to seek help? What's your story of how you got the courage to become more open about your assault?
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My victimization straddles childhood and adulthood, I was raped when 17. I kept silent for 42 yrs until I ended up in the psych ward at a VA hospital after attempting suicide. This also led to a 2 to 3 hr standoff with the police and SWAT because I refused to let them put me in the ambulance after swallowing all my meds. I was armed with 2 lg throwing knives and kept everyone from entering my bedroom. When SWAT started coming down the hall I barricaded myself in the bathroom. God must have something planned for me because the main batch didn't take me nor did the additional new refill that I found in the bath. At the VA I was put in a room that eventually included 7 other men. I walk with a cane that I leaned against my cot. One night a nurse found me, unknowingly, sleeping with the thing on my chest. That is when I first told anyone since it happened and admitted to not showering those first 5 days, no door. The fear of losing my marriage with my wife is what led me to tell her. She busted me experimenting with anal penetration when she didn't respod quick enough to our talks about adding more to our sex life. She didn't understand and out of hurt even called me queer!:oops:
 
DerekN1973

I believe I needed to connect with survivors because people around me were unable to understand, accept or show compassion. I was unraveling, I was in a constant state of dissociation, I felt worthless, useless, unattached, abandoned and any other negative emotions you can think of. I would experience dissociative fugues, gone for hour and then days, wandering without sense of self. I was hospitalized and the doctors encouraged support, a healthy living environment as well as support groups for PTSD. I learned CSA scares many and it pushes them to undertake potentially harmful acts to the survivor.

I needed to be with people who understood what I lived, what I was feeling, the triggers, the emotions, fears and damaging self perceptions I held. I first joined SNAP, as I am a survivor of priest abuse. The first few meetings I was more of an observant, fearful to tell my story because of how others reacted when I told what happened to me as a child. The response was so different, so uplifting that it was the beginning of freedom from the past. SNAP was a mixed group, men and women, and I began to understand men and women process the abuse differently but we all supported each other and show compassion for each others pain. My T recommended I find an all males support group. I did, it was different than SNAP because it was all about the male dynamic of abuse. I opened up and shared. I continued to attend both. Somewhere along the way I met Veterans who were suffering PTSD, as I was diagnosed. I joined their group and it helped me to understand PTSD and how triggers can overtake our lives. These groups were instrumental along with therapy and just as important surrounding myself with people who understood trauma especially a woman who helped me to love myself and minimize the stigma of abuse so I could enjoy intimacy. All these groups and people understood the nature of triggers that had unraveled me and many were perplexed to understand how they see no complicity in the damages done. I do not dwell on that, I dwell on the positives in life, the positive and loving people in my life.

It was not a straight projection forward. It was rather a journey of ups, downs. I never realized the damage the CSA had done to me or the damage from others who did not understand or want to understand CSA. I had very low points in my life. I had high points. The lowest point was when I thought I did not want to live, I was rescued. I was fortunate. I have seen others with PTSD or trauma lose their battle to survive. These losses deeply sadden me and somehow give me the strength to go forward for them. I am in a good place today because of the support of survivors of trauma and CSA. I remain vigilant in keeping on this journey. I know there are times when I begin to stare and my mind begins to go to where I do not know. In the past I let the mind go and I would go into fugues, not now because I have new coping mechanisms.

I know we all heal differently, your words and other survivors words are key in my healing. Thank you for being here, and at the same time I am sorry you have to be here.

Kevin
 
I came here at the advice of my therapist who realized that I needed to be among people who could really understand the abuse that I went through as a child and then just recently as an adult with someone who said and did something to me that was very inappropriate.

What got me to see a therapist, was me. I literally turned myself in because I could see a change in my personality over 12 months....Anger, irritability, Choking feeling, tingling on one side of my body, startled easy. My medical doctor couldn’t figure it out after doing many neurological tests, but I knew something was wrong. The last straw was my anger caused the end of a relationship with a girl that I thought I’d be with forever. I wish we both knew what I know now, but it’s too late and I’m trying not to dwell on that.

What was interesting, and coincidentally came at the same time I was trying to figure this out, was an experience that happened to me while I was driving my car. I was following a small- sized cargo van with no windows except for the two windows on the back doors. Through those windows I could see the back of the drivers head. He had the same color hair, and was about the same age as my childhood perp. Even the vehicle he was driving was same color and type as the one that the abuse took place in. Something profound happened within me when I saw this and I had to pull over and just started sobbing. That was the trigger that brought up suppressed traumatic memories that were bubbling inside my body in the form of all those physical symptoms and wanting to come out.

I’ve started the journey to recovery and I am so glad there is this forum. I have yet to share the hurtful things that happened to me, but in time I know it will benefit me ifI I do.
 
Hi Steve

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what has brought you here. You are not alone in this anymore. Thanks for having the courage to post,

Take good care
 
Esterio, Thank you for the welcome, I really appreciate it. After reading the many posts here, I’m beginning to see that this is a Safe place for me to release a lot of thoughts that I never told anyone about. I appreciate everyone’s support and I hope I will be able to help someone else at some point.
 
I finally told my story to a therapist 3 years ago, and discovered sites for male survivors 2 (or so) years ago. I didn't know for decades that what I went through was sexual abuse & assault, or rape. Didn't know those terms applied to my experiences, until my therapist pointed that out to me. Then I searched for others like me on-line.
 
Tom thanks for sharing. You mentioned That you didn’t know the things you went through could be termed as sexual abuse. This makes me very sad to think that a child can be manipulated into thinking that such things are normal and happen in all families. My perpetrator purposely tried to confuse me mentally by Calling me names and using terms that befit a female. Sexual abuse is sick and bad enough, but when a perpetrator purposely tries to confuse and manipulate a child mentally, that is pure evil. Tom how have you been doing since you told your therapist three years ago? Are you making improvements
 
prior to just a couple days ago, I had never considered looking for a survivor group.

I have been through a lot of stressors in the past 5 years. death of mother, job loss, major surgery, TIA mini stroke, loss of a dear friend. it has all been a bit much. Oh you can toss in coming to terms with accepting that I was bi.

I had surgery a few weeks ago and was in bed for a good 6 weeks prior and 3 weeks after. I had way too much time on my hands to sit a think too much.

It was just about a week ago, I told my story in whole for the first time to my wife. 47 years after the fact. She knew I had been molested and raped. but the details were never discussed. My second time was here, today on this forum.

I still have a blackout period that i can't remember. and when i delve into thinking about what happened, i really start to panic. my anxiety gets insane.

I have my first therapy session in 32/33 years tomorrow.

I am terrified - not sure i want to remember, but feel its coming

reading others stories is helping me a lot.

knowing im not alone. gives me some peace.

knowing others have been down this path and survived gives me hope.
 
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I hope your session tomorrow brings you some relief, comfort and peace. I really hope you feel all of those in really big doses, though I'm grateful you're even taking that step right now. Let us know how it goes. I wish you the best, and I hope you feel encouraged both before and after your session. Good luck, friend!
 
Hi DrGreen

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what has happened to you to bringing you here. Glad you had the courage to reach out. you will find many here that will understand as we have been there as well.

Take good care
 
I just wanted to thank everyone for answering my questions and sharing your stories. I think it is deeply appreciated by others to know that they're not alone. I wish everyone a peaceful journey of healing and recovery.
 
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