Up & Down with how I feel
I have not posted in a while and have backed off of spending time here. I admit my emotion these past couple weeks gave been all over. I am struggling at times with work because I feel I am still being looked at differently. It is probably just me but those types of thoughts are still with me. It is sort of like here. My mind has gone back to the feeling people here are tired of me. I have joined chats and tell it seems that everyone stops talking. You can see they were talking before then silence. I after 5 or so minutes of silence I leave because I figure it was me. I know I am probably wrong on both things.
I have bee really down at times this week. Had my sleeplees night, being awake 48 hours straight but still go to the office to get things done. But there have been a lot of crawling into bed b 8 upset and at times crying. Everything has changed in me. I was one rarely to allowed that to be seen. Still cant keep up the facade to the prior level it once was. It is just taking to much energy.
Many of you know the Holidays are not something I do very well with. This year is not different. I am upset that I have lost the part of me that use to love to decorate for the holidays. It was truly the one favorite times of the year for me. Now just drab and dark. He wore are 5 days from Christmas Eve and not one people form my family has so much as said hey. No how are you, are you coming home, are you going somewhere or even how are you doing, really doing. Nothing and I am telling myself there wont be anyone reaching out, no one to send a card or anything. I just feel I no longer exist with my family. Like just earache him out of the picture. My childhood was not the best actually it was really bad at times. You I cling to some fairytale hope of being this normal family. How the F could my family and I have a “normal” relation. I have this sense the others know that I have been talking about my childhood and even have confronted my mother in the past. So now it is like i do not exist. It still fucking hurts.
I have had close friends reaching out to me this week to check on me and see how i am doing. Also what am I doing for the holidays. I tell them I just want to be left alone in my apartment for the entire time. Just want to be alone. None of them nor my T for that matter feels that is a good idea for me. That I need to get out go someplace spend time with someone. So I am heading to FL as someone wanted me to come spend time with him and his family. Also hard to say no when he is over our entire segment. I have known him and his family for almost 20 years so I know it is it of care that he had asked me to come out. I just fear I will be this downer thing for them and seen as fragile. Just one more thing to make me feel down I guess.
Last night I leaned that my ex is engaged to has asked on of out friends about the ex and I. I do not know this guy never have met him. My friend and a few others came to visit us in MI about 2 years ago. The person asked him if my ex and I were together back then to which he answered yes. The guy then says that he has noticed some inconsistencies/lies from my ex, shocker.
I got upset knowing that this had been going on at least two years behind my back. How the F did the guy not know we were together. So it hurt and it hurt more than i thought it would. The other thing that upset me was what it this gay breaks things off. When I had leaned my ex was already engaged, I felt a huge weight lifted off of me. He had someone, someone that could be in his like and move in to split the rent and such. I was really struggling with ing my financial commenting when it is up in February and him not having enough income. I knew I could not let him just get kick to the curb. Yet I also know he would bing asking for money all the time. But now that this new information has occurred I cratered last night was sobbing because of the fact he cheated much longer ago and then the fear of what will I do should there relationship end. Will I have to let him suffer and that image is just one that kills me.
To me i told myself, “this is your life why would think things would go smooth for you”. I am just meant to live in is shitty state it will never go away. Have some ok days some sos day and then a bunch of crappy days. But I will always struggle for the swings and the depression, that I fear is never going to leave.
I have bee really down at times this week. Had my sleeplees night, being awake 48 hours straight but still go to the office to get things done. But there have been a lot of crawling into bed b 8 upset and at times crying. Everything has changed in me. I was one rarely to allowed that to be seen. Still cant keep up the facade to the prior level it once was. It is just taking to much energy.
Many of you know the Holidays are not something I do very well with. This year is not different. I am upset that I have lost the part of me that use to love to decorate for the holidays. It was truly the one favorite times of the year for me. Now just drab and dark. He wore are 5 days from Christmas Eve and not one people form my family has so much as said hey. No how are you, are you coming home, are you going somewhere or even how are you doing, really doing. Nothing and I am telling myself there wont be anyone reaching out, no one to send a card or anything. I just feel I no longer exist with my family. Like just earache him out of the picture. My childhood was not the best actually it was really bad at times. You I cling to some fairytale hope of being this normal family. How the F could my family and I have a “normal” relation. I have this sense the others know that I have been talking about my childhood and even have confronted my mother in the past. So now it is like i do not exist. It still fucking hurts.
I have had close friends reaching out to me this week to check on me and see how i am doing. Also what am I doing for the holidays. I tell them I just want to be left alone in my apartment for the entire time. Just want to be alone. None of them nor my T for that matter feels that is a good idea for me. That I need to get out go someplace spend time with someone. So I am heading to FL as someone wanted me to come spend time with him and his family. Also hard to say no when he is over our entire segment. I have known him and his family for almost 20 years so I know it is it of care that he had asked me to come out. I just fear I will be this downer thing for them and seen as fragile. Just one more thing to make me feel down I guess.
Last night I leaned that my ex is engaged to has asked on of out friends about the ex and I. I do not know this guy never have met him. My friend and a few others came to visit us in MI about 2 years ago. The person asked him if my ex and I were together back then to which he answered yes. The guy then says that he has noticed some inconsistencies/lies from my ex, shocker.
I got upset knowing that this had been going on at least two years behind my back. How the F did the guy not know we were together. So it hurt and it hurt more than i thought it would. The other thing that upset me was what it this gay breaks things off. When I had leaned my ex was already engaged, I felt a huge weight lifted off of me. He had someone, someone that could be in his like and move in to split the rent and such. I was really struggling with ing my financial commenting when it is up in February and him not having enough income. I knew I could not let him just get kick to the curb. Yet I also know he would bing asking for money all the time. But now that this new information has occurred I cratered last night was sobbing because of the fact he cheated much longer ago and then the fear of what will I do should there relationship end. Will I have to let him suffer and that image is just one that kills me.
To me i told myself, “this is your life why would think things would go smooth for you”. I am just meant to live in is shitty state it will never go away. Have some ok days some sos day and then a bunch of crappy days. But I will always struggle for the swings and the depression, that I fear is never going to leave.
