Confronting Friends
bluesteel
Registrant
I mean confronting not disclosing.
Some of my close friends are amazing and supportive, but there are some things I need to get off my chest about things they may have participated in or been present for that has really directly affected me. There are 4 situations that I will post about below for my own self-expression and context, but I want to know if anyone has ever confronted friends in this fashion before. What I have always pictured myself saying to them was something with this tone:
"Hi Friend, I'm not upset with you or telling you this to hurt you, but I have been wanting to get something off my chest for years. I experienced a lot of sexual abuse over the years and while your friendship and love was always (and still is) and anchor keeping me grounded and afloat, there are some things I want to disclose to you about how you may have acted during that time that made things more difficult for me. I am not blaming you nor trying to place anything negative on you and I do not feel that way, but I just need to clear the air on some things so I can heal."
Some of those things are:
1) High School Friends - In one of my early posts I spoke about how there was some public sexual harassment from a female teacher to myself that the other kids made fun of me for. I was always so uncomfortable by that and it happened in front of the class all the time. The students used to make fun of me, but it was mostly just playful, I understand their perspective at the time and their intent, but this did not make me feel good. I was confused about my sexuality and that did not help. I was also being used sexually at that time for the pleasure of much older men and that did not help. I didn't want to be 'uncool' so I never told anyone off publicly for that or at all at the time. I did pull my close friends aside and spoke to them about how it bothered me (while we were in school) and they didn't care. I told them many times as it was happening, again towards the end of high school, once in college, and then once after, I haven't brought it up since.
What I would want to say is basically how hard it was for me. Not just with the sexual abuse happening in the background, but also because I was questioning things and felt like I had nobody to turn to. The light bullying ended when my father died, but I found out recently that most people at my school never knew my dad was sick for many years. That added stress to my life. I would want one close friend to understand how this played a part, and another just to kind of say hey I know it was funny for you at the time but again it really wasn't.
I really just want them both to see female on male abuse differently at the end of the day.
2) Disclosing the name of the assailant freshman year - I have one incident freshman year early on I have posted a lot about. It has bothered me a lot and I will need to talk about this with a therapist. I don't really give away all the details about this event although it is much milder than the big rape or anything else.
He went to my school and it was a small school. I have a few friends that I have asked if they knew him and they said the name doesn't ring a bell, but I am fairly certain if they saw a pic they'd know him. I don't want anything to come of it, but I just want to tell him his name so they know. We have a strong alumni network and as we're getting into our thirties I know we're going to be more active. I don't want to go back to college and see him or have them go to a local event with the alumni network and see him or hear of him through the grapevine and not know.
3) Professor - While I did sleep with someone that worked for my university (it was a goal of mine) there was one man in particular whom I did not sleep with, but something he said has bothered me to this day. The thing is, everyone and I mean EVERYONE loves this professor. He was always a chaperone on trips and for all my clubs, I got him involved with ALL the events on campus and got him his funding. We traveled internationally together more than once with the uni and around the US.
This professor will no longer speak with me. I never knew why. We spent a lot of time together. A lot. We even shared a room once (nothing happened). I genuinely respected him as just a professor, he was gay, but we never discussed my sexuality or anything like that. A strictly professional but fun relationship. But after graduation, no more speaking with me and that KILLED me. About 3 years ago I figured out why.
Before graduation on a final trip with all my friends, for a big big big event I had planned for him and a milestone in my academic turning professional career, he said something in front of everyone. For nearly a minute, in front of the whole group and as my best friend sat next to him, he said the most sexual stuff about me. I was so embarrassed. It was embarrassing, not just sexual. It was kinky too. I felt like maybe he saw something I posted on fetlife? Not sure. I knew he was gay but he was married and had a kid. I was disgusted and shocked. I felt betrayed. A few weeks later, I presented him with an award in front of over 1,000 people. An award I nominated him for. I didn't regret it at the time.
What bothers me is these friends are still friends with this professor. They love him and talk about him to me, he won't speak to me. I would prefer if they cut him off, but I can't control that and i know him, they're genuinely friends. I don't want to stop a friend from speaking to a friend.
Note: he no longer works for the university, he's moved to a new one (a worse one).
Note: I sometimes wonder if I matched with his husband on tinder one time. But I genuinely don't think that was him.
4) Ex-Boyfriend - I only had one boyfriend and I was not that good to him. I never abused him, but I was pushy for sex and bossy. I did not have a single healthy adult relationship modeled in front of me and the abuse started before we started dating. It was in high school and very exciting as both a first relationship. The abusers were telling me I was gay and they were "teaching me how to be gay" I believed them, so therefore I was pushy, I would get angry (like they did). I never hurt him physically, but our break up was terrible.
I became very paranoid about him trying to hurt me, but in reality he was also questioning his sexuality (we no longer speak, but I know he is 100000% gay and out). He broke up with me saying that "I think you want to be with a girl" in a variety of different ways. He also said I did not enjoy being with him, he was right, I didn't, but I was desperate. I asked him to prom, I wanted to come out as a couple at prom (heartstopper vibes) his family was more religious than mine and they would have not approved, he was scared of being kicked out of his house and I pressured him. We never did that, but when he did come out it was okay. I did not act the best with the break up, I was mean to him for years. It ended our friendship and split our friend group as people took sides. I don't think my ex was 100% innocent, he also did some things to our friends that pushed them from him to me, including a girl I'm low key in love with. It is weird for people who don't know who come out of the woodworks and say "hey you and X were best friends, how's he doing" NOPE! I just say we actually weren't that close and grew apart. I know my ex didn't want it getting out, but what if he told people afterwards?
I want to confront a friend that stayed neutral during the break up. I want to tell her a bit about why I said the things I did (I can be mean, I don't think I was that bad, but we were 18 and he's a bit of a pussy anyway). I want to explain it to her so she doesn't hold it against me, I also want to try to see if I can see how he is doing (through her). I do not want to talk to him at this time as I know it will trigger me and cause me to regress. I am fine with NEVER speaking to him again (I apologized and he refused to accept the apology, he's an idiot - I never physically hurt him and I've in a way forgiven my assailants [at least at the time of the apology]), but I see there may be value in that conversation, I won't even attempt to pull that thread until I've been in therapy for a year.
What does anyone thing about those situations? Have you ever 'confronted' friends that were unaware of your abuse but their actions did not help you at all? Is this a bad idea?
Thoughts?
Some of my close friends are amazing and supportive, but there are some things I need to get off my chest about things they may have participated in or been present for that has really directly affected me. There are 4 situations that I will post about below for my own self-expression and context, but I want to know if anyone has ever confronted friends in this fashion before. What I have always pictured myself saying to them was something with this tone:
"Hi Friend, I'm not upset with you or telling you this to hurt you, but I have been wanting to get something off my chest for years. I experienced a lot of sexual abuse over the years and while your friendship and love was always (and still is) and anchor keeping me grounded and afloat, there are some things I want to disclose to you about how you may have acted during that time that made things more difficult for me. I am not blaming you nor trying to place anything negative on you and I do not feel that way, but I just need to clear the air on some things so I can heal."
Some of those things are:
1) High School Friends - In one of my early posts I spoke about how there was some public sexual harassment from a female teacher to myself that the other kids made fun of me for. I was always so uncomfortable by that and it happened in front of the class all the time. The students used to make fun of me, but it was mostly just playful, I understand their perspective at the time and their intent, but this did not make me feel good. I was confused about my sexuality and that did not help. I was also being used sexually at that time for the pleasure of much older men and that did not help. I didn't want to be 'uncool' so I never told anyone off publicly for that or at all at the time. I did pull my close friends aside and spoke to them about how it bothered me (while we were in school) and they didn't care. I told them many times as it was happening, again towards the end of high school, once in college, and then once after, I haven't brought it up since.
What I would want to say is basically how hard it was for me. Not just with the sexual abuse happening in the background, but also because I was questioning things and felt like I had nobody to turn to. The light bullying ended when my father died, but I found out recently that most people at my school never knew my dad was sick for many years. That added stress to my life. I would want one close friend to understand how this played a part, and another just to kind of say hey I know it was funny for you at the time but again it really wasn't.
I really just want them both to see female on male abuse differently at the end of the day.
2) Disclosing the name of the assailant freshman year - I have one incident freshman year early on I have posted a lot about. It has bothered me a lot and I will need to talk about this with a therapist. I don't really give away all the details about this event although it is much milder than the big rape or anything else.
He went to my school and it was a small school. I have a few friends that I have asked if they knew him and they said the name doesn't ring a bell, but I am fairly certain if they saw a pic they'd know him. I don't want anything to come of it, but I just want to tell him his name so they know. We have a strong alumni network and as we're getting into our thirties I know we're going to be more active. I don't want to go back to college and see him or have them go to a local event with the alumni network and see him or hear of him through the grapevine and not know.
3) Professor - While I did sleep with someone that worked for my university (it was a goal of mine) there was one man in particular whom I did not sleep with, but something he said has bothered me to this day. The thing is, everyone and I mean EVERYONE loves this professor. He was always a chaperone on trips and for all my clubs, I got him involved with ALL the events on campus and got him his funding. We traveled internationally together more than once with the uni and around the US.
This professor will no longer speak with me. I never knew why. We spent a lot of time together. A lot. We even shared a room once (nothing happened). I genuinely respected him as just a professor, he was gay, but we never discussed my sexuality or anything like that. A strictly professional but fun relationship. But after graduation, no more speaking with me and that KILLED me. About 3 years ago I figured out why.
Before graduation on a final trip with all my friends, for a big big big event I had planned for him and a milestone in my academic turning professional career, he said something in front of everyone. For nearly a minute, in front of the whole group and as my best friend sat next to him, he said the most sexual stuff about me. I was so embarrassed. It was embarrassing, not just sexual. It was kinky too. I felt like maybe he saw something I posted on fetlife? Not sure. I knew he was gay but he was married and had a kid. I was disgusted and shocked. I felt betrayed. A few weeks later, I presented him with an award in front of over 1,000 people. An award I nominated him for. I didn't regret it at the time.
What bothers me is these friends are still friends with this professor. They love him and talk about him to me, he won't speak to me. I would prefer if they cut him off, but I can't control that and i know him, they're genuinely friends. I don't want to stop a friend from speaking to a friend.
Note: he no longer works for the university, he's moved to a new one (a worse one).
Note: I sometimes wonder if I matched with his husband on tinder one time. But I genuinely don't think that was him.
4) Ex-Boyfriend - I only had one boyfriend and I was not that good to him. I never abused him, but I was pushy for sex and bossy. I did not have a single healthy adult relationship modeled in front of me and the abuse started before we started dating. It was in high school and very exciting as both a first relationship. The abusers were telling me I was gay and they were "teaching me how to be gay" I believed them, so therefore I was pushy, I would get angry (like they did). I never hurt him physically, but our break up was terrible.
I became very paranoid about him trying to hurt me, but in reality he was also questioning his sexuality (we no longer speak, but I know he is 100000% gay and out). He broke up with me saying that "I think you want to be with a girl" in a variety of different ways. He also said I did not enjoy being with him, he was right, I didn't, but I was desperate. I asked him to prom, I wanted to come out as a couple at prom (heartstopper vibes) his family was more religious than mine and they would have not approved, he was scared of being kicked out of his house and I pressured him. We never did that, but when he did come out it was okay. I did not act the best with the break up, I was mean to him for years. It ended our friendship and split our friend group as people took sides. I don't think my ex was 100% innocent, he also did some things to our friends that pushed them from him to me, including a girl I'm low key in love with. It is weird for people who don't know who come out of the woodworks and say "hey you and X were best friends, how's he doing" NOPE! I just say we actually weren't that close and grew apart. I know my ex didn't want it getting out, but what if he told people afterwards?
I want to confront a friend that stayed neutral during the break up. I want to tell her a bit about why I said the things I did (I can be mean, I don't think I was that bad, but we were 18 and he's a bit of a pussy anyway). I want to explain it to her so she doesn't hold it against me, I also want to try to see if I can see how he is doing (through her). I do not want to talk to him at this time as I know it will trigger me and cause me to regress. I am fine with NEVER speaking to him again (I apologized and he refused to accept the apology, he's an idiot - I never physically hurt him and I've in a way forgiven my assailants [at least at the time of the apology]), but I see there may be value in that conversation, I won't even attempt to pull that thread until I've been in therapy for a year.
What does anyone thing about those situations? Have you ever 'confronted' friends that were unaware of your abuse but their actions did not help you at all? Is this a bad idea?
Thoughts?
