Where I was to Where I am Today
First I want to thank everyone here in particular those who reached out to me concerned, Those 5 months I was on leave was the hardest point in my life. I know I posted how I felt and how things were just spiraling away. I have cried that much in my life or ever felt that depressed about life and my future. I recognize many of my past post were not the best well written. My mind was a jumble everything and racing. Was lay in bed crying or up and worrying. I isolated myself to pretty much everyone but people here and Dr’s.
As much as I did not want to take that leave, I am glad i did. I was at that point of a complete breakdown. Between my T and others here I was convinced I needed to but never expected how hard it would be. Spending 3 days at two hours a day was a lot but I do belive it is the key to where I am at this moment. Also being able to come here and post or to write others was a big factor also. Not sure I could have doen what I have if it was just me alone on island with just my T.
Do I belive my journey is over, no. I do not think it ever truly will. Do I think it will have the same level of intensity, no. That has come way down. Cant say I have nto had any intense moments just a month ago but I have. However they were short lived and easier to move past them.
So where am I at this moment? I will say feeling like a different person. I have been telling myself and other, the 3.0 version of me will be coming out in 2026. So far it seems to be glitch free lol. I visited friends in CA for Thanksgiving as they did not want me to be alone for it. Was not goign to go but I changed my mind and went. Little moments but very glad I went. Way better than being alone in my apartment.
At this moment I am in FL. My big boss o is a friend and knows about my past and the struggles it has caused asked me to come be with him and his family. I have known them for 20 years so watched the kids grow up to adults. Just like thanksgiving I was no at first then as time went by his wife asked me to come spend Christmas and new Years with them. So I did. I flew in on Christmas Day and I am still here. Until the 6th. I was panicking some on coming out of the fear in my mind that I would loose my shit. I did nto want to be a downer as I told his wife or ruin their holidays. Everything has gone ok so far. Including their New Year’s party.
They threw a big party with about 35 people there several of who are high up in the company like himself. But I did find myself enjoying it after a moment. It turned out to be a good time for me which was nice. I have not been anywhere for Christmas or New Years in many years.
The other thing as part of this time here is work, I was asked if I would take on a new role. Once that would require me traveling to a couple factories every month. Woud probably be 4 weeks a month for a while. I have not decided even though I probably will say yes. Him and COO did not put out a compensation for me as that was still at corporate HR. I should see something next week.
There is also one other big thing that caught me out of the blue but I cannot go in to any real details about it. But it is a huge decision for me to make. This is on a personal level (not a relationship thing). More about me being willing to talk about my past. I am pretty certain I will do it, it is just he decision to be seven or have my identity hidden. One obviously has me more worried than the other. However staying in the shadows is basically saying I am still ashamed of myself. So that one is one I will be workin on for a couple weeks.
So after all of that, I just wanted to say for the first time in my life I feel better about myself, life, future all of it. I am not going to let myself believe there will not be any bumps as there will be. As I have been told many many times, “it is time to live your life”. Sort of scary but also I feel it is time to start.
As much as I did not want to take that leave, I am glad i did. I was at that point of a complete breakdown. Between my T and others here I was convinced I needed to but never expected how hard it would be. Spending 3 days at two hours a day was a lot but I do belive it is the key to where I am at this moment. Also being able to come here and post or to write others was a big factor also. Not sure I could have doen what I have if it was just me alone on island with just my T.
Do I belive my journey is over, no. I do not think it ever truly will. Do I think it will have the same level of intensity, no. That has come way down. Cant say I have nto had any intense moments just a month ago but I have. However they were short lived and easier to move past them.
So where am I at this moment? I will say feeling like a different person. I have been telling myself and other, the 3.0 version of me will be coming out in 2026. So far it seems to be glitch free lol. I visited friends in CA for Thanksgiving as they did not want me to be alone for it. Was not goign to go but I changed my mind and went. Little moments but very glad I went. Way better than being alone in my apartment.
At this moment I am in FL. My big boss o is a friend and knows about my past and the struggles it has caused asked me to come be with him and his family. I have known them for 20 years so watched the kids grow up to adults. Just like thanksgiving I was no at first then as time went by his wife asked me to come spend Christmas and new Years with them. So I did. I flew in on Christmas Day and I am still here. Until the 6th. I was panicking some on coming out of the fear in my mind that I would loose my shit. I did nto want to be a downer as I told his wife or ruin their holidays. Everything has gone ok so far. Including their New Year’s party.
They threw a big party with about 35 people there several of who are high up in the company like himself. But I did find myself enjoying it after a moment. It turned out to be a good time for me which was nice. I have not been anywhere for Christmas or New Years in many years.
The other thing as part of this time here is work, I was asked if I would take on a new role. Once that would require me traveling to a couple factories every month. Woud probably be 4 weeks a month for a while. I have not decided even though I probably will say yes. Him and COO did not put out a compensation for me as that was still at corporate HR. I should see something next week.
There is also one other big thing that caught me out of the blue but I cannot go in to any real details about it. But it is a huge decision for me to make. This is on a personal level (not a relationship thing). More about me being willing to talk about my past. I am pretty certain I will do it, it is just he decision to be seven or have my identity hidden. One obviously has me more worried than the other. However staying in the shadows is basically saying I am still ashamed of myself. So that one is one I will be workin on for a couple weeks.
So after all of that, I just wanted to say for the first time in my life I feel better about myself, life, future all of it. I am not going to let myself believe there will not be any bumps as there will be. As I have been told many many times, “it is time to live your life”. Sort of scary but also I feel it is time to start.
