Unwanted Female Attention

[little_boy_lost]

I have been approached by women now five times in bars and once in a grocery store. They all seem interested in me for some reason. One though grabbed my crotch and told me she'd make it worth my while. That frightened me. The most recent was at a grocery store a woman commented on what I was buying, talked about what she was buying then asked me bluntly if I was single. I told her I wasn't interested but she gave me her number "just in case I changed my mind". This has all happened in the last few years since I started going back to the gym.

I didn't go back to the gym because I wanted to attract attention. I'm 39 now and 4 years ago I could barely walk and I decided I didn't want to be in a wheelchair at 45. I'm in better shape now.

But now it seems women notice me more which I hate. I've been abused by women all my life since I was 4 and woman scare me. I want to make it clear I'm not interested but nothing seems to work. I wear a ring even though I'm single, and I grew my beard out long.

Is there anything you would suggest I can do short from just not showering. (Which I won't do, lol). I just want to be left alone. Does anyone else experience similar things? I'm really not that attractive in my view, I don't know what it is.

 

[GaD3!]

Just be yourself and keep up your personal hygiene and working out. Apparently you are an attractive man, nothing wrong with that.

If someone in the future asks if you are single, you can make up a story and say you are engaged or happily married and intend to stay that way. Use your imagination and have fun with it if you like. You don't owe them anything. If you want you can just not engage in conversation and ignore them- I know that is rude, but another option.

Bars are problematic since with alcohol inhibitions are lessened or thrown out the window entirely. Do you need to go to bars? They are known to be a place for hook ups, and many women are promiscuous so they may assume any single male is free game. Obviously you need to go grocery shopping , but as I said maybe you don't need to go to the bars. If is to drink, you can drink at home, if is to meet up with friends, maybe choose a different location. That is all I can think of hopefully others will have thoughts on the matter.

 

[Photoman]

Tell them you only like guys. I don't know if you do or not but it might keep them from bugging you.

I've been going back to the gym for a couple years but at my age, no ladies seem to bother me. I don't go to bars but I do shop. I'd feel pretty good to be hit on in the grocery store. lol

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable with women.

 

[little_boy_lost]

Just be yourself and keep up your personal hygiene and working out. Apparently you are an attractive man, nothing wrong with that.

If someone in the future asks if you are single, you can make up a story and say you are engaged or happily married and intend to stay that way. Use your imagination and have fun with it if you like. You don't owe them anything. If you want you can just not engage in conversation and ignore them- I know that is rude, but another option.

Bars are problematic since with alcohol inhibitions are lessened or thrown out the window entirely. Do you need to go to bars? They are known to be a place for hook ups, and many women are promiscuous so they may assume any single male is free game. Obviously you need to go grocery shopping , but as I said maybe you don't need to go to the bars. If is to drink, you can drink at home, if is to meet up with friends, maybe choose a different location. That is all I can think of hopefully others will have thoughts on the matter.

I mean no I don't have to go to bars. I don't drink at bars anymore anyway I just go to eat and watch NFL games when I can't get them on my TV (especially Bears games, go bears!). But it seems I always end up talking to womem, or rather they talk to me. I guess I look good, who knew?

 

[little_boy_lost]

Tell them you only like guys. I don't know if you do or not but it might keep them from bugging you.

I've been going back to the gym for a couple years but at my age, no ladies seem to bother me. I don't go to bars but I do shop. I'd feel pretty good to be hit on in the grocery store. lol

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable with women.

I have told woman I'm gay before (I am bisexual so its not an entire lie). But that seems to only make them then want to talk to me about all their problems like I'm one of the girls.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I will echo Photoman’s comment, but maybe even take it a little further…maybe try wearing something rainbow themed…something subtle like a bracelet or necklace. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or not; merely seeing something rainbow themed might keep the ladies at bay…

 

[Induna]

Hey, if you live in the USA right now just guess the political affiliation of the woman approaching you and say something in favor of the "other side". Problem solved . (Full disclosure: I don't live in the USA but I was born and lived most of my life there. I have spent no time there at all in 12 years so I probably don't know what I'm talking about.)

In all seriousness, why not just look them right in the eye and say, "I'm not interested. Please leave me alone." I find it hard to believe that such direct bluntness wouldn't work.

 

[little_boy_lost]

Hey, if you live in the USA right now just guess the political affiliation of the woman approaching you and say something in favor of the "other side". Problem solved . (Full disclosure: I don't live in the USA but I was born and lived most of my life there. I have spent no time there at all in 12 years so I probably don't know what I'm talking about.)

In all seriousness, why not just look them right in the eye and say, "I'm not interested. Please leave me alone." I find it hard to believe that such direct bluntness wouldn't work.

Good point. I'm generally a passive and nice person and I find it difficult to assert myself. Years of abuse from almost every woman in my life has taught me I'm supposed to be submissive (and scared) of women. All the abusive women in my life since I was 4 have been very aggressive and domineering. Especially sexual abuse as a young child I'd become submissive and dissociate and just "let" it happen. When people are assertive I view it as aggression and whenever that happens I get quiet and submissive. It's what I was groomed to do around women.

 

[Silly]

@little_boy_lost said, "... as a young child I'd become submissive and dissociate and just "let" it happen."

There's a distinction I make when I hear these statements - you were in survival mode... things don't just "happen". It's what was done to you, not what happened to you.

Hope things are improving for you. Take gentle care.

 

[GaD3!]

Good point. I'm generally a passive and nice person and I find it difficult to assert myself. Years of abuse from almost every woman in my life has taught me I'm supposed to be submissive (and scared) of women. All the abusive women in my life since I was 4 have been very aggressive and domineering. Especially sexual abuse as a young child I'd become submissive and dissociate and just "let" it happen. When people are assertive I view it as aggression and whenever that happens I get quiet and submissive. It's what I was groomed to do around women.

You can do assertiveness training, many have an issue with being assertive, so not an uncommon issue. It does not mean that you have to be a mean person, but you do need to be able to assert yourself, and that can be done in a polite manner. At least that is the case for some others do not understand anything but a more forceful and direct statement- such as Induna suggested. Take care.

 

[Induna]

Good point. I'm generally a passive and nice person and I find it difficult to assert myself. Years of abuse from almost every woman in my life has taught me I'm supposed to be submissive (and scared) of women. All the abusive women in my life since I was 4 have been very aggressive and domineering. Especially sexual abuse as a young child I'd become submissive and dissociate and just "let" it happen. When people are assertive I view it as aggression and whenever that happens I get quiet and submissive. It's what I was groomed to do around women.

I hear you.

Your current situation presents you with a really good opportunity to change the way you respond to unwanted attention. Since you already know how you habitually respond, how that makes you feel and why it doesn't work for you, you can mindfully acknowledge what you're feeling in the moment and how you want to act in response out of old habit and then choose to do something different. It will take some work.

The real opportunity is that interactions with strangers in public are not nearly as fraught as interactions with family, co-workers, etc. You can try different things and see what works for you. If you try something that doesn't turn out as you expect it's not really a big deal. Everyone is an adult and there's not that much at stake, really, other than your emotional state and confidence.

I just want to add that it's no great sin to screw up or to make someone feel bad inadvertently. As humans we do that all the time. Grownups can deal with it. You might make some people dislike you and think you're a jerk. That really is ok. If you don't like them or don't want anything to do with them, maybe that's for the best.

 

[Curiouspaints]

I have been approached by women now five times in bars and once in a grocery store. They all seem interested in me for some reason. One though grabbed my crotch and told me she'd make it worth my while. That frightened me. The most recent was at a grocery store a woman commented on what I was buying, talked about what she was buying then asked me bluntly if I was single. I told her I wasn't interested but she gave me her number "just in case I changed my mind". This has all happened in the last few years since I started going back to the gym.

I didn't go back to the gym because I wanted to attract attention. I'm 39 now and 4 years ago I could barely walk and I decided I didn't want to be in a wheelchair at 45. I'm in better shape now.

But now it seems women notice me more which I hate. I've been abused by women all my life since I was 4 and woman scare me. I want to make it clear I'm not interested but nothing seems to work. I wear a ring even though I'm single, and I grew my beard out long.

Is there anything you would suggest I can do short from just not showering. (Which I won't do, lol). I just want to be left alone. Does anyone else experience similar things? I'm really not that attractive in my view, I don't know what it is.

Ive struggled with this before especially sense my mom and sisters where my primary abusers. For me being bi in a way is a response to the confusion. I remember as a kid trying to ask for help from adults about this and it was never taking seriously now at 37 Im still dealing with the aftereffects.
I dont have a cut out solution

 

[WanderingSpaceTurtle]

Public interactions with women who grope is a tough and very, very scary situation (to me). I've had it happen enough times, at random. There is a Wal-mart I am permanently banned from because an old shriveled prune decided to walk up and shove her hand in my pants in front of a stock person while I was going to grab a bag of carrots. Cops were called, I was blamed/banned.

Had a school teacher do it to me, I told the school as needed, and they retaliated against me; flunked me out of the class, stripped me of a 4 year scholarship and invalidated my diploma. I was called a liar and attacked by other students. Lost pretty much any "friends" I had. That teacher abused another student - the school passed the trash silently. There was zero help given to the students. My parents did nothing for me and allowed the school to do what it did.

I've been hit on in bars, despite having a wedding band on; in some cities I've lived, women seem to almost see it as a challenge or conquest. Where I am now, if I wear it, people leave me alone. Age and poor health issues have set in, lost my hair, so I'm about as pretty as a mud puddle. Thankfully that has helped curb the abuse.

I don't know what I'll do if/when it happens again, but I am extremely vigilant and distrustful of women in general, because I *know* precisely that they get away with things, and the cops/legal system could not care less. They won't take complaints or statements, let alone investigate. So my course of action is relatively traumatizing either way.

How are we supposed to navigate this disgusting society?

 

[broncosfann1979]

I have never even remotely came close to this. In my 20's, I may have liked it. Since I am married, I would be direct and say I am not interested. But this is completely foreign territory to me.

 

[mlane7]

I'm with broncosfan. I am in my 60's and when I was younger this was not something that was ever done except maybe between 2 college students at a drunk party. If you are young, maybe it's something trendy but not talked about...?

HINT: In bars among a certain demographic, after a certain age (mid-late 20's) having a ring will get you more attention than not having one.

 

[WanderingSpaceTurtle]

I'm with broncosfan. I am in my 60's and when I was younger this was not something that was ever done except maybe between 2 college students at a drunk party. If you are young, maybe it's something trendy but not talked about...?

HINT: In bars among a certain demographic, after a certain age (mid-late 20's) having a ring will get you more attention than not having one.

Can confirm - and I find it revolting that some people are so disrespectful to be shown a ring and then keep on trying, as though it's a challenge. As someone with mild autism, I find it baffling (among many other things neurotypical people are comfortable doing).

 

[mlane7]

Can confirm - and I find it revolting that some people are so disrespectful to be shown a ring and then keep on trying, as though it's a challenge. As someone with mild autism, I find it baffling (among many other things neurotypical people are comfortable doing).

Two things 1) it's known, and some women seem to have the radar for this, some/lots of married guys are bored and looking or are already even as young as their 30's, in a sexless marriage. 2) After about age 25-29 UN-married men were (in my day) seen as losers/not marriageable. But even if you had 3 ex-wives you were seen as a better catch because at least 3 women thought you were good enough to marry even if they divorced you later. The unmarried guy MUST have something wrong with him. Also, previously married women prefer previously married guys anyway

 

[Georgie]

I have significant problems along this line. I said in my introduction that I look about 30 years younger than I actually am. Although I tend to get along well with lesbians, there are very few straight women I like. I am not polite in such situations (nor do I think I should be). I am rough in removing their hands from me and quick with an insult. I find that most women have big egos in this area and tend to get angry when rejected, although they are quick to be brusque in rejecting a man who doesn't interest them.

 

[WanderingSpaceTurtle]

Two things 1) it's known, and some women seem to have the radar for this, some/lots of married guys are bored and looking or are already even as young as their 30's, in a sexless marriage. 2) After about age 25-29 UN-married men were (in my day) seen as losers/not marriageable. But even if you had 3 ex-wives you were seen as a better catch because at least 3 women thought you were good enough to marry even if they divorced you later. The unmarried guy MUST have something wrong with him. Also, previously married women prefer previously married guys anyway

That is a bold assumption. Not everyone is going to be aware of such "norms." I've encountered it twice in adulthood, in which case (given all the other interactions I've had with married women in general) I'd still consider those two times to be outliers, so it is still not an expected behavior in my opinion. To call it known is to normalize it, and I suppose that in some ways it really is normal in our culture.