Flashbacks, AI recreation, medical numbness
I have two recurrent sexual flashbacks. One is that I am 4 or 5 years old and we are in the dining room. It is very sunny. My mom says that she has no underwear since something feels uncomfortable and wants me to see how it looks like. I’m not sure if I crawled into her dress or if she lifts it up, but I clearly remember that I looked into her vagina.
The second flashback is around puberty when my mom puts her face on my crotch. We are clothed but I start getting an erection and feel ashamed that she feels it. So I push her away. In my fantasy i just want to shove up my finger in her so that she would feel ashamed too. But she has clothes on and I poke her crotch and she laughs and move away as if she is very ticklish there.
For many years I had sexual fantasies about these events. Two years ago I downloaded some rogue image generating AI models and tried to illustrate these scenes. After generating hundreds of images I deleted everything. I am aware that they most likely would be classified as CP in my jurisdiction. But some months later I did it again.
The the emotional charge around these events dissipated after a few weeks when I started to take atomoxetin against my ADD.
I have another flashback that is not sexual but very scary until I began to medicate. I am 8 years old and I and my mom argue about something. It ends with her hyperventilating until she passes out. Now as an adult I assume she was just pretending, but at that age I was very scared that she would die.
In one way it feels good that the medicine has numbed me. But in a deeper level it feels bad that I again am the ”zombie boy with good manners” who lets anything happen to him without any ”evil” emotions.
The second flashback is around puberty when my mom puts her face on my crotch. We are clothed but I start getting an erection and feel ashamed that she feels it. So I push her away. In my fantasy i just want to shove up my finger in her so that she would feel ashamed too. But she has clothes on and I poke her crotch and she laughs and move away as if she is very ticklish there.
For many years I had sexual fantasies about these events. Two years ago I downloaded some rogue image generating AI models and tried to illustrate these scenes. After generating hundreds of images I deleted everything. I am aware that they most likely would be classified as CP in my jurisdiction. But some months later I did it again.
The the emotional charge around these events dissipated after a few weeks when I started to take atomoxetin against my ADD.
I have another flashback that is not sexual but very scary until I began to medicate. I am 8 years old and I and my mom argue about something. It ends with her hyperventilating until she passes out. Now as an adult I assume she was just pretending, but at that age I was very scared that she would die.
In one way it feels good that the medicine has numbed me. But in a deeper level it feels bad that I again am the ”zombie boy with good manners” who lets anything happen to him without any ”evil” emotions.
