*Triggers Possible* Unfulfilled f*ntasies

[Brian76]

Hello all. I'm wondering if I am the only one struggling with unfulfilled fantasies since my assault as a boy. Sorry if this is triggering. I find myself having fantasies that my wife would probably never fulfill as I feel I am a weirdo for having them. I know they must stem from my r*pe at 13yrs old. I have zero sex life at home which only compounds my pull to act out. It's almost like a drug that I can never take. I have had peculiar sexual fantasies since I was a boy but never acted on them. Nothing criminal or depraved mind you- just wants I'm afraid my wife can't fulfill. Sorry again if this is triggering. I just have to tell somebody and get it off my chest. Thanks.

 

[GaD3!]

I am sure you are not the only one. The abuse certainly has the potential to distort sexual fantasies and desires. Many survivors unconsciously reenact aspects of their abuse. Many heterosexual survivors have unwanted same sex attractions. Many will masturbate while remembering the abuse or some of what took place, Not having any sex life at home would contribute to this. If you are masturbating to fill the void the sky is the limit where the mind can go regarding sexual fantasies. Are you looking at porn? I ask since if you are looking at porn that is the same or similar to those fantasies that will add fuel to the fire. You are not a weirdo for having sexual fantasies that you consider peculiar. This is an issue for many survivors, one cannot put their hand in the fire and not get burned. For survivors their hand was shoved in the fire and held there. Please try to show yourself some compassion. You don't mention therapy, if you are not working with a T I would suggest that you seek out the help of a T trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues. You state there is no sexual activity with your wife. is this something that be addressed? Obviously that is important in a healthy marriage.

 

[Georgie]

No, nothing wrong with it. I have strong fantasies from my abuse, enhanced for unclear reasons with activity not included in my abuse. I share much of this with two other boys through direct messaging at this site. All three of us have some type of fantasy from it.

 

[Macke]

Hello all. I'm wondering if I am the only one struggling with unfulfilled fantasies since my assault as a boy. Sorry if this is triggering. I find myself having fantasies that my wife would probably never fulfill as I feel I am a weirdo for having them. I know they must stem from my r*pe at 13yrs old. I have zero sex life at home which only compounds my pull to act out. It's almost like a drug that I can never take. I have had peculiar sexual fantasies since I was a boy but never acted on them. Nothing criminal or depraved mind you- just wants I'm afraid my wife can't fulfill. Sorry again if this is triggering. I just have to tell somebody and get it off my chest. Thanks.

I can totally relate. My abuser groomed molested me and I did like it eventhough he was my uncle. But my wife who i love dearly is in menopause and sex is non existent. So I understand how you feel because I want to act on my fantasies but I know I should be faithful to my wife. Its a hard pickle no pun intended

 

[TreeFeller]

We are all f-ed up in some way. Some more, some less. I understand the desire to fulfill a fantasy with another consenting adult that is probably base in or comes from our childhood sexual abuse. I have no significant other so I can usually find someone to act these desires out with. I am sorry you are unable to do this with your wife. I hope you can figure something out. I will say I have hooked up with a married man one time so he could act out a fantasy he has had that stemmed from his CSA that fit inline with the type of sex I like. You are not weird.

 

[Macke]

I think that being in a no sex marriage i turned to porn because it does satisfy your fantasies of what happened to you. Gayporn helps me because of what my uncle did with me. However using porn is a double edge sword because its a trigger and its sexually satisfying at the same time!

 

[TreeFeller]

I think that being in a no sex marriage i turned to porn because it does satisfy your fantasies of what happened to you. Gayporn helps me because of what my uncle did with me. However using porn is a double edge sword because its a trigger and its sexually satisfying at the same time!

this is so true

 

[Macke]

It definitely made me bi curious because my intro to sex was with my uncle and although he was only male sex I had i have been married over 25 years I still fantasize about gay sex

 

[smc1972]

It's almost like a drug

My therapist recently explained how a child sexually abused has a lot or chemical reaction in brain things like an adult endprhiines and such. However our brain was not meant to have all this things going on in the brain at the age many things at once, fear, mental blocking of what is happening, disassociating and sexual response.

So it creates what in essence an addiction. The longer the abuse goes on for the more of this addiction like things gets stronger. Our mind associated all the stuff to the abuse including the pleasure our body felt because that is what the body does when stimulated even against our will. So that pleasure is what our brain thinks that is what I need to feel like that again to get the “high”.

I struggled with fantasies or use of my past trauma alone or even with someone. I would at times have huge mood swings about it. One mintue not caring just enjoying my own thoughts to then feeling horrible some point down the road.

Fantasies are just that and no one can read out mind even though I always felt somehow people would. It is not harming anyone again it is just you with your thoughts or reading whatever. It is what was done to us. But people who were not abused can also have some fantasies that you may think why would they or types of role play and fetishes.

It is not easy to not beat yourself up and sex becomes very confusing and challenging as our past comes to the surface, at least for me it was. Y

 

[Georgie]

Fantasizing about gay sex falls into the Kinsey Scale. On the 0-6 scale, you are likely a Kinsey 1.

 

[Macke]

My therapist recently explained how a child sexually abused has a lot or chemical reaction in brain things like an adult endprhiines and such. However our brain was not meant to have all this things going on in the brain at the age many things at once, fear, mental blocking of what is happening, disassociating and sexual response.

So it creates what in essence an addiction. The longer the abuse goes on for the more of this addiction like things gets stronger. Our mind associated all the stuff to the abuse including the pleasure our body felt because that is what the body does when stimulated even against our will. So that pleasure is what our brain thinks that is what I need to feel like that again to get the “high”.

I struggled with fantasies or use of my past trauma alone or even with someone. I would at times have huge mood swings about it. One mintue not caring just enjoying my own thoughts to then feeling horrible some point down the road.

Fantasies are just that and no one can read out mind even though I always felt somehow people would. It is not harming anyone again it is just you with your thoughts or reading whatever. It is what was done to us. But people who were not abused can also have some fantasies that you may think why would they or types of role play and fetishes.

It is not easy to not beat yourself up and sex becomes very confusing and challenging as our past comes to the surface, at least for me it was. Y

Well said! They always say our pasts eventually catch up to us.

 

[Brian76]

To add insult to injury I have pushed my wife away so many times in the past she wants nothing sexual from me it seems. Menopause is entering the picture as well. I love her dearly and wish I could share my fantasies with her. I have fantasies about men as well as women. I am not getting younger and this just eats at me daily.

 

[TheNewMason]

I find myself having fantasies that my wife would probably never fulfill as I feel I am a weirdo for having them.

Sounds like you need to be open with your wife. You are making assumptions for her here. Women can be kinky too. Even if she has the wrong "plumbing" there's toys and enhancements that hetero couples can use. And, you might be surprised. She might want to spice things up too.

 

[NeedCrain]

We have very similar stories. I too have had what some what other may consider as weird fantasies likely the result of being raped at age 12. I was also in a sexless marriage. I know the pain you are feeling. Wish I had some insight or advice for you but I really don’t. All I can do is wish you the best and tell you that you are not alone.

 

[LittleSteve]

Because of the age, when this happened to me, my entire sex, life has been a replay of what happened. And because it was very extreme, that’s exactly what my sex life was in fantasy as well and as in reality. So know what you’re experiencing is actually completely normal for guys like us, it’s not unusual at all. Therapist can help you sorted out what is healthy for you and and what is not. But if you do some reading and as you’ve seen from the responses, it’s pretty normal so don’t be stressed about that.

 

[KevinGKG]

I'm wondering if I am the only one struggling with unfulfilled fantasies since my assault as a boy

You are certainly not alone. Just to double down on what others have offered. Your concern about your fantasies is also common. How you work through all of that will depend on a lot of factors. Hopefully you can find others, perhaps a therapist, who can help. I was so tied up in my abusive and dysfunctional home life that I was unable to really form functioning relationships for years- decades after I left home. My behaviors brought me into more situations where I would consciously or unintentionally revisit aspect of the relationships and sexual experiences I had growing up. Sex with much older men and women. Sex where I was object- and others could act out their own fantasies. This was all exciting- but it was a wave and trough though and there was deep shame about it too.