Triggered by the innocent

[Not_our_fault]

Does anyone else feel a sudden jolt of panic or fear or other negativity when something purely innocent happens?

My wife’s friend shown us pics on her phone of her kids over Christmas and there was some of them having a “Christmas bath” I just looked at the floor.

When I see someone with a kid cuddling I feel the same sort of feelings.

When my son was doing about Ancient Greece and I saw him in their really revealing outfits I felt a bit angry.

I can’t stop feeling hurt over innocent things. I don’t let anyone bathe my son unless it’s me or the wife. I feel really awkward around him in case people have them same negative feelings toward me that I do about them doing totally innocent things.

Is anyone else like this? I feel like i’m ruining everyone’s fun.

 

[George]

It's not uncommon for us to be hyper sensitive to situations like this when we are in the midst of dealing with our own abuse issues, I know I was. Is this something new(ish) with you, or have you always been sensitive to such situations?

I chalk things like this up to my/our abnormal sexualized backgrounds making us see a lot more than things usually are, although better safe than sorry when it comes to your kids and those around them.

 

[Photoman]

At about the time I got married and had a baby with the wife, all I was hearing at that time was the abused will abuse. I was SO afraid someone would accuse me of hurting my daughter, even tho no one knew anything at all about my past CSA, I wouldn't change her diaper or even bathe her. I was so careful and even avoided hugs with my sweet baby girl. A lot of lost years with her, hugging and being close. She passed away 2 years ago and I really regret the physical touch we never had. Even tho I don't have any tendencies or get 'excited' around kids, I just don't put myself in the position to ever get accused of doing anything inappropriate. All I can hear in my head is the old 'the abused will go on to abuse others'. So I don't really know how others look at me and ever wonder what's wrong with me, 'does he not like kids'? I love kids but this has been engraved in my head.

 

[Not_our_fault]

It's not uncommon for us to be hyper sensitive to situations like this when we are in the midst of dealing with our own abuse issues, I know I was. Is this something new(ish) with you, or have you always been sensitive to such situations?

I chalk things like this up to my/our abnormal sexualized backgrounds making us see a lot more than things usually are, although better safe than sorry when it comes to your kids and those around them.

More so since becoming a dad

 

[Not_our_fault]

At about the time I got married and had a baby with the wife, all I was hearing at that time was the abused will abuse. I was SO afraid someone would accuse me of hurting my daughter, even tho no one knew anything at all about my past CSA, I wouldn't change her diaper or even bathe her. I was so careful and even avoided hugs with my sweet baby girl. A lot of lost years with her, hugging and being close. She passed away 2 years ago and I really regret the physical touch we never had. Even tho I don't have any tendencies or get 'excited' around kids, I just don't put myself in the position to ever get accused of doing anything inappropriate. All I can hear in my head is the old 'the abused will go on to abuse others'. So I don't really know how others look at me and ever wonder what's wrong with me, 'does he not like kids'? I love kids but this has been engraved in my head.

See i’m the same I don’t get the “abused will abuse” I messed around when I was a kid with other boys, but they were usually my age or somewhat older but then I grew up and realised what I was doing. As an adult I never ever felt that way about anyone other than my wife

 

[LRD]

I was terrified when my daughter was born. I to was so uncomfortable with changing and bathing her. My wife did it all, god bless her,
as she now understands. Our second child a son, I was still much the same way. My first two children didn't get from me a lot of the
love and touching care that they so deserved. Our third child came later and another boy. I was still guarded but so much more involved
and today it is truly visible the he and I have a closer relationship. I working on mending my past with my other two children, but I know
I can't get back the years where they needed me more.
Be kind to yourself and continue to work on changing those triggers. We can all heal! thanks for sharing! LRD

 

[Not_our_fault]

I was terrified when my daughter was born. I to was so uncomfortable with changing and bathing her. My wife did it all, god bless her,
as she now understands. Our second child a son, I was still much the same way. My first two children didn't get from me a lot of the
love and touching care that they so deserved. Our third child came later and another boy. I was still guarded but so much more involved
and today it is truly visible the he and I have a closer relationship. I working on mending my past with my other two children, but I know
I can't get back the years where they needed me more.
Be kind to yourself and continue to work on changing those triggers. We can all heal! thanks for sharing! LRD

Thanks LRD

 

[Bornfree]

When ever I see boys especially around the ages 12 - 15 involved in some kind of organized sport, I look at him and think sexual thoughts. Wrong thing to think about. But what I'm really looking at is a young boy, healthy and able to do sports activities along with so many other things in life he must do. Encephalitis stole that from me, I did not understand, no one did, so I was not capable of doing football in the afterschool activities. That hurt me, because before I got sick, I knew I was more or less headed for highschool, and a private boyschool so I was looking forwards to doing what other boys were doing for the first time in my life. In the first week of phys-ed, I knew something physically was really really wrong with me, but I couldn't understand, and I couldn't get adults to understand, and thus I failed phys-ed. Only got passed because it was a required credit through grade 11 to graduate, and the teacher knew something was wrong but never confronted me.

So that is why I look at boys the way I do, because in the back of my mind, I'm still that young boy ready to strike out and play some football! Such a disconnect within my brain.

 

[Not_our_fault]

It’s a tough process to deal with. I never had the thoughts that you do but I understand that your brain is now hardwired different so many a psychotherapist could help you change it

 

[Bornfree]

I had several psychotherapists, but not of them could comprehend the sexual trauma I was struggling with

 

[Not_our_fault]

I think maybe I don’t because by that age I had done so much with so many other boys I just sort of phased out of it when I realised what I was doing

 

[Bornfree]

I think maybe I don’t because by that age I had done so much with so many other boys I just sort of phased out of it when I realised what I was doing

I really miss what you did. I wanted to be able to play naked with other boys, especially outside, like running around naked, play wrestling, stuff like that, and comparing,

 

[Not_our_fault]

Europe is different when it comes to nudity plus we all showered together after PE which is now not allowed. So it was a different time too

 

[Bornfree]

Europe is different when it comes to nudity plus we all showered together after PE which is now not allowed. So it was a different time too

I often think and wonder what my life would have been like if I had grown up in Europe instead of the cold reaches of North America. our mind thoughts are so clouded with dreams of the "other" world. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I'm sure I had a general life that you would have liked. Father did take us camping throughout western part of continent, to places like deserts, swimming in warm lakes seeing the beauty of mountains and meadows. Living where there are tall green trees all year long and the freedom to get on my bike and ride just about anywhere I wanted to go. Yes, there was beauty that I saw and was part of, but when things are stolen from you, it hurts no matter what, because it is your inner sanctum that was taken.

 

[MO-Survivor]

More so since becoming a dad

Agree with @George and what you said here. As parents and CSA survivors, we are definitely hyper-sensitive with our kids, and honestly - there isn't anything wrong with that. My youngest went through something a few years back - just some odd behavior after spending the night at her best friend's house. She had issues sleeping the night after. This happened twice. And my wife told me around the same time that at guitar lesson, my kid really wanted my wife to go inside with her (I'm not concerned about the guitar lesson at all; they have glass doors on all the lesson rooms).

I made a point to very gently ask about her sleepovers and if anything happened that made her feel weird / badly. She said no - after I asked a couple times. All we can do as parents is ask. We can't pester our kids or we end up creating a bit of trauma in their lives for fear of the unknown. We did decide though after that to take a break from sleepovers until she was older. And of course it was a little awkward with her best friend's mom, but I just explained she was having some anxiety issues so we weren't doing sleepovers. Me making that decision did a couple of things: 1) it reinforced to my kid that I was there to help keep her safe, 2) it gave her the ability to opt out if she wanted to.

Time went by and I was ready to entertain things again, but before I would allow it, I had a frank conversation with both her and her older sister: that I was okay with her doing overnights, but only if they both promised they would tell us if anything happened. There was more to the conversation - I was a bit more specific on what things can sometimes occur in those situations. And since that time, there haven't been any alarm bells for me, thankfully.

So yes - you are quite justified in having your protective-dad radar on all the time @Not_our_fault. And it doesn't really matter what others might think, or if you are ruining their fun

 

[George]

When my kids were young I was a hawk with them. Anyone who was allowed close enough to them knew my story. Thankfully I already had a bunch of years of dealing with my abuse issues before we had kids. Had I not dealt with the biggest of my issues by then I fear that I would've been very cold and unattached or worse yet might've abused myself with all the perverse & abusive stuff in my mind years before. When my boys wanted to join the scouts I became a leader as well to keep an eye on them. I was a very involved Dad with my kids, very huggy & plenty of "I love you"s. I made it a point to be the Dad I wished that I had, had. I was never around any babies or little kids (good thing) when I was young so it was all brand new to me when we had kids. Even today I wouldn't be as close to anyone else's kids like I am my own. That all said, I still had early issues I had to deal with like when my oldest started walking and would grab at anything and anyone to stand or walk. There were times when he'd suddenly grab at my calf and I would get an automatic reaction, and that really freaked me out... I had to reason with myself that this was a normal reaction due to my abnormal childhood & hyper sexuality, with that understanding it all subsided to a point where it went away.

Yeah it's a good thing that you are on alert for your kids and the kids around you, but if it is at a level where it is robbing you of your joy you can try rationalizing with yourself that everything is okay, that you see that it is okay and that it's okay for you to bring the alertness down a notch or two so that you can enjoy the moment with your kids. You want to give them your best, right? You both deserve the best as Father & child in healthy love & bonding. I figured that I want my future grand kids to have loving & involved fathers someday too and by me being the father I am I'm insuring their happy childhoods some day in the future. I want to leave my kids and their kids that legacy, in addition to other things. It does get easier to bring the alertness down as they get older. Instilling in them a healthy body autonomy and that you are always there for them helps keep them safe as well.

 

[ODAT]

In October my wife and I were in a museum in Athens. There were a number of life-size nude statues that were very triggering to me. I did not tell my wife about it and struggled the rest oft the trip. I didn’t tell her about it until we home but my mind went into fantasy mode the last few days of that trip and I struggled mightily over it..,

 

[Thrive to Survive]

Yes absolutely this is me! It took me until this year to even connect it, for years I would tell my wife "this makes me feel weird". Nursery rhymes, kids playing, little kid shows with little characters. It all hits me and literally makes me feel strange. I now know what is happening and why a bit. It's hard, Not Our Fault, but I understand what you are saying and the pain associated.