The percentages. The higher the score, the further you are in leaving sexual abuse behind.
TOTAL score is 63 %
You score average. You are on your way but you do not finish things. Keep working and you will get a lot further. Below you can see what you still have to work on. |
SCORE VISUAL: |
"Yes-it's-so" percentage 71 %
"Freedom" percentage 93 %
"Reconstruction" percentage 100 %
"Out-of-the-abuse-mode" percentage 55 %
"Free-from-the-sexual-relationship-with-the-offender" percentage 21 %
"Back-in-my-family" percentage 44 %
"I-am-not-the-perpetrator" percentage 0 %
"Problem-back-to-the-perpetrator" percentage 25 %
"False Loyalty " percentage 67 %
"I-can-tackle-the perpetrator" percentage 100 %
"I-have-myself-back-again" percentage 91 %
"I'm-totally-done-with-it" percentage 100 %
|
SCORE BY QUESTIONGROUPS: |
1. The Act: Score questiongroups 1 to 3
Subject: Triviality, facing, secret, guilt, shame and the reconstruction. |
1. Do you take the abuse seriously and do you dare to face the severity of the damage you have suffered?
Trivial: If you make your own sexual abuse small and of no importance, then of course that is fine, but it is not right. If you don't give the impact of sexual abuse its proper value, then it gets in the way of the healing process. If you keep it in the category "we all have things from time to time" then you really won't get anywhere. Remedy: talk to others who are further in their healing process and read about it. Watch documentaries and begin to see yourself in the lives of others. Learn to see how far reaching it has been in the lives of others. Learning to face the abuse that has happened to you is a process that doesn't happen in a day. It is slowly getting in touch with the old experience and realizing the damage it has done to you. There is no escaping from doing something about it, in order to come to terms with it.
This percentage shows to what extent you take the abuse seriously. Throughout the process, the question remains, "Was it really that bad? Is it possible that it all has to do with that?". It's normal to do that. At first you can keep putting it away with those two questions. As you feel more and more and notice how it plays a role in different layers of your personality, then one day you will come to the painful "yes-it-is-so" conclusion.
The scores on Trivial 100 % and Face it 64 % together make the yes-it-is-so percentage.
Based on your answers, your "Yes-it's-so" percentage is 71 %.
You score higher than 67%. That means you take the impact of your abuse seriously and recognize the severity!
2. How far am I with becoming free from secret, guilt, shame?
The answers to secret, shame and guilt together give the percentage of freedom. How far am I with revealing the secret? To what extent do I still feel ashamed? To what extent do I still feel guilty? These are the topics that can literally squeeze your throat. It is the observable reality of the mental paralysis.
Secret. One of the first bumps you have to take in the healing process is to reveal the secret. That is an action for you to take ownership of the experience. You have to take the perpetrator, who made this "our secret" out of it. Revealing the secret is a coming-out: you have to bring a profound, intimate, experience into the world. This is fearful, shameful, and you feel guilt toward the perpetrator. It's all part of the process. If you don't do it, you'll get stuck and don’t move forward with getting past the experience. It is necessary to cross this threshold.
Shame is a blocking feeling that comes up when you tend to tell about something that lives in you that is still shameful. That shame threshold can be in you (others are free of it) or you can press against the collective "no": the "no" that does not want to know about these kinds of experiences. You can get through the shame by telling bits and pieces of the sensitive details of the sexual abuse. Writing it down first can help. Telling someone you trust certainly helps. Laughing in this process also helps to deal with the burden of shame.
Guilt. There is a difference between blame and responsibility. Responsible is the adult who oversteps a child's boundaries and thus fails to teach the child to set his/her limits. Guilt ("I went there myself and got excited") can get in the way of doing something with the experience for years. Your own “acting like a perpetrator” can also be the red traffic light on the road to freedom. It all starts in the first moment where the perpetrator assaulted your body and taken ownership of it. As a result, you go into shock and act in this state and learn to undergo sexual acts and/or do them yourself. Your sexuality remains connected to this as long as you do not go back to that moment when you were still innocent.
Freedom means, "I can talk about it freely and unobstructed. My throat no longer squeezes shut."
The scores on Secret 100 %, Shame 50 % and Guilt 100 % together make up the freedom percentage.
Based on your answers, your "Freedom Percentage" is 93 %.
You score higher than 67% on this part. That means you have come very far in revealing the secret. You have put the blame and shame where it belongs.
3. How far along are you with the reconstruction?
Reconstruction. You have to make a reconstruction of what precisely happened. Even if you don't feel like it, you must do it anyway. Otherwise details that emerge later will continue to remind you of the abuse. You have to take this threshold to get in touch with feelings and location factors that are stored in you to warn you of danger (the ever-present danger of the assault on your body). You must also name the silent witnesses (sounds, light, colors, bedspread, smell) and acknowledge the feelings that come up because of them. Do it, otherwise you will not make progress. You must also return to the scene of the crime, even if it is on the other side of the world. Write down your story and find witnesses and read it to them. There is an answer for frequency, age and all circumstances. Reconstruction has been done and the lost second has been put in time. Crime scene has been visited. How far along are you with the reconstruction?
Based on your answers, your "Reconstruction percentage" is 100 %.
You score higher than 67% on this section. Then you have passed. Not quite 100% yet? Then you only have one more step to take! |
2. The thread: score question groups connections to the perpetrator 1 through 7.
Related to: residual shock, division, alertness, self-protection, aggression handling, sexual relationship and imprint, perpetrator confrontation |
Residue shock
1. Already free from fear and out of the perpetrator's control?
Abuse mode: The assault on your body causes you to go into shock. For a moment, the fear of death passes and a shock wave of fear moves through your body. Your no is pushed away and that causes you to become internally divided. This damages your self-protection, your aggression handling and your true no/yes. The next questions are about the effects of shock and how it still affects you. Fear holds you back and imprisoned. The division paralyzes you. If the fear of the perpetrator's power still lives in you then it is important to banish it from you. It is the unrealistic fear left over from the first moment of the abuse. You can do something about this.
The scores on the questions about Shock 75 %, Alertness 60 %, Power issues 56 %, Inner Division 0 %, Self-protection 60 %, Still Ownership of the perpetrator 75 % and the effects on the Body 25 % together indicate how far the abuse mode is still alive in you and/or can be turned on in you.
Based on your answers, your "Out of Abuse Mode Percentage" is 55 %
You scored average on this question. You have not yet fully recovered from the shock of being overwhelmed by the abuse. Working on the recovery of your inner division would do you good. Fear and powerlessness are still playing a role. Handle your own body carefully and lovingly.
2a. THE CONNECTION BY THE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
Are you already detached from the sexual relationship and the sexual imprint?
Is the sexual connection already broken? Because of the sexuality during the abuse you’re going steady with the perpetrator. This relationship must be broken, otherwise in all subsequent relationships you will end up in a love triangle with an invisible third party: the perpetrator.
2b. RECOVERING FROM THE SEXUAL IMPRINT
Have you already recovered from the sexual imprint you suffered during the abuse?
You become the answer to the sexual desires of the perpetrator and learn to act accordingly. This is a learning experience that you can switch on on command. Like an obedient dog. Are you still acting the same way in your sexuality? Are you still in the sexual system that the perpetrator pushed into you?
2c. MAKING YOUR OWN IDENTITY: SEXUAL PREVENTION AND SEXUAL IDENTITY
How far along are you with identity questions?
Abuse can leave you seriously confused. Questions about your own feelings, about who you are, what you are (male, female) and your sexual preference (straight, gay,etc) play an important role. Also what sexual position you can and want to take is an issue. These are often the big questions that can play a role in your life for a very long time. You have to dig deep to be able to distinguish mine and yours from the abuse. The impact of the act and the connections to the perpetrator are so violent that discovering your individuality and your own identity seems almost impossible.
The three items above 1a: the sexual connection 0 %, 1b: the sexual imprint 33 % and 1c. the identity questions 30 % make up the free-from-the-sexual-relationship-with-the-offender percentage
Based on your answers, your "Free-from-the-sexual-relationship-with-the-offender percentage" is 21 % You score lower than 33%. This is also the hardest hurdle to clear. Without help, it will not go away from your life. To do: look at your sexuality and confess how much of it is the perpetrators influence. Together with your partner, you can push him out of your bedroom.
3a. ABOUT CONNECTION WITH THE CONTEXT OF THE OFFENDER
Are you still concerned with his/her environment/family?
Through the sexual relationship you get into the perpetrator's family line. The secret also plays out there. You can still play a role by keeping your mouth shut because you don't want to burden them. Or because you still have questions about his/her sexual behavior towards family members and feel involved.
3b. ON RETURNING TO YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN.
Have you returned home?
After sexual abuse you end up in two families. A real family and a secret family. That can also just be in your parental home where the secret has split your family of origin in two. That has to become one again by revealing the secret. Je moet ook je eigen plek weer terugnemen en krijgen. You also have to own and get your own position back again. That usually takes quite a bit because the environment then only begins to face what has happened. That takes time and strength and wisdom from you as the victim. You have to keep an eye on all the forces that are released by your story.
The scores on the questions about the offender's family 25 % and your own family of origin 60 % make up the again-back-in-your-family percentage.
Based on your answers, your "Back-in-your-family percentage" is 44 %
You score average on this question. You have already done some work but you are not quite there yet. You have to make the abuse public in the offenders family and in your own family. You know yourself where it stucks. Make a decision. Does this really need to happen or do you need to make the decision not to, because in reality it is really too hard for you. Then know that you are making a sacrifice and give yourself credit for it.
4. ROLE MODEL / PERPETRATOR IDENTIFICATION REVIEW?
How do you relate to the perpetrator as a role model?
Can you already see and discern where your perpetrator has influenced you positively / negatively?
The perpetrator is not just a perpetrator but a positive and/or negative example of how you behave as a man. Learning to differentiate between yourself and the perpetrator is not easy. It's not as black and white as it feels.
Based on your answers, your "I am not the perpetrator" percentage is 0 %
You score lower than 33%. You need to take a closer look and think about what is yours and what is of someone else.
5. AS CARRIER OF THE PROBLEM OF THE OFFENDER
Have you returned his / her problem to its rightful owner?
In the abuse, the perpetrator's problem transports to you, the victim. It settles in your unconscious driving forces. This assigned, false responsibility can go a long way. You are given the task of understanding and solving it. Usually you see this reflected in the choice of profession or your life theme. You have to give it back in order to return to yourself.
Based on your answers, your "Problem-Back to Perpetrator Percentage" is 25 %
You score lower than33%. You have not yet fully grasped the problem of the perpetrator that you carry within you. With sex this problem comes along and settled inside of you. Talking and investigating is what you need to do.
6. CAN YOU SEPARATE LOVE AND LOYALTY FROM PERPETRATION?
How far have you come in introducing nuance in your relationship with the perpetrator?
If the perpetrator is someone you love very much, this creates double feelings that can persist for a long time and make it impossible for you to move forward in the healing process. Loyalty does not mean that you approve of the acts of the perpetrator. But it does not mean that another part of the relationship has to go. There is an art in adding nuance in this. Confronting him/her with the perpetrator acts is necessary, preserving what is valuable and inspiring also is.
Based on your answers, your "False Loyalty percentage" is 67 %
You score average on this question. You need to get out of the halfway point in this. If you want to move forward you have to confront the perpetrator with what he did and demand that he takes responsibility. He is not pathetic and not weak. You can remain grateful to him and love him but you can also hold him accountable. That does not bite each other.
7. HAVE YOU HELD THE PERPETRATOR ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS/HER ACTIONS?
Have you confronted the perpetrator face to face and have you become detached from him / her as a result?
It is important to confront someone who has a great influence on your life with what he / she has done to you. You need to have that outlined and written down in a letter to him / her. It is best if the confrontation is done in a face-to-face conversation. Here you can take back the lost power and appoint yourself owner of your experience. When you stand in front of the perpetrator, you can see exactly what from the other person is still alive inside of you. You will notice that it is not only anger but a mix of feelings. The preceding questions represent the issues you may encounter. In this catharsis it has to happen; losing again is not an option. So prepare yourself very well.
Based on your answers, your "I-can-tackle-the-perpetrator percentage" is 100 %
You score higher than 67%. That means you can handle the offender confrontation and/or you have already done so! Congratulations! |
3. Integration and Meaning: score on questions 1 through 2
concerns: own life back, forgive and make meaning of the experience. |
1. How far along are you with finding yourself back and finding your autonomy?
Finding yourself back. When you have said goodbye to the perpetrator you enter a phase in the process of coming to terms with the lost part of yourself. The separated parts (including your true yes/no) come back into your personality. This is uncomfortable. It feels like nothing fits you anymore and you get conflicts. People say you are not the old one anymore. The empty stage you have arrived on feels lonely and you look back sadly on the lost life you have not lived because the perpetrator and the act have defined you so much. Autonomy. Detaching yourself from the whole story and standing completely on your own two feet is quite an art. In the phase in which you are now, you lay aside the role of adaptor. This also means giving up the need for recognition. The yearning for a witness becomes self-recognition, only when you feel it is necessary.
The two scores on Self back 100% and the Autonomy percentage 83 % make up the I-have-me-again-all-back percentage.
Based on your answers, your "I-have-myself-again percentage" is 91 %
You score higher than 67%. Then you have come a long way!
2. Did you give meaning to the abuse experience?
Giving meaning to a traumatic experience in your life is necessary. This is part of taking ownership of the story. You can think of it as a learning experience and add it to your life experience and your wisdom. Without meaning, the experience remains futile and suspended in the void as meaningless.
Based on your answers, your "I'm-totally-done-with-it percentage" is 100 %
You score higher than 67%. That means you passed! Of course, you must also have scored more than 67% on all the previous questions otherwise something is wrong somewhere and you are counting yourself too rich. |
CLOSURE |
Thank you for completing this questionnaire about the coping process of sexual abuse.
You can print out this page by clicking on "export to pdf" in your browser menu or clicking Print this page.
You fill in the questionnaires in the first place for yourself. But also for others. All individual scores are kept [anonymous] to look for trends.
We analyse the answers. We keep looking to see if what we have discovered is correct.
We want to get closer to the truth about the damage, the effects, the consequences and the processing of sexual abuse. |
