General Thoughts to Share Struggling this week

[loo]

Hello everyone,

feeling bad tonight as I'm dealing with the consequences of a very emotionally heavy month. I'm very happy with some things I achieved last month but it also takes a huge toll on me and my thoughts have been spiraling all day. I lost my job a month ago and I decided to take some time off to really think about the direction I want to go in my life. In terms of where to live and what kind of job to do and also what kind of romantic relationships I'm looking for as this hasn't been successful either recently. But I don't want to feel sorry for myself as I also see that as opportunities to seek better things and I have the chance to think about who I want to be. But it is unsettling. My life seems wide open.

Also, I went on a trip with my brother and my sister, both younger and that was great and rich but also very tiring emotionally. I organized a lot of it and there was some intense sharing about our dysfunctional family.

All that is tiring and scary and this week one more thing happened: my dad, who hasn't talked to me in 3 years, texted my siblings and I to tell us his wife wants to divorce him, implicitly asking for our help and pity. This is very hard to deal with as I've always been scared of him breaking up because it happened many times before and in the past, when I was a kid, I would end up having to take care of him when he was single and heartbroken (he's a manipulative prick who takes advantage of his kids a lot). I ignored his message, because I absolutely don't want to get involved in his problems but it makes me feel so weak. It feels like it's a foundation of mine who's crumbling.

And I realized just today is that he probably just announced that now because he hates that my siblings and I went on holidays together without him. He hates that we have a bond that he does not share and he wants to destroy that. His narcissist mind won't allow that he's not the center of attention. I feel like he's trying to destroy everything I build if it's not for him. He hates to see me succeed.

Maybe my dad'll be better off without his wife anyway, but all the drama is very heavy on me. I talked to my siblings about it but I'm scared that they won't like my opinion on it and that we will fight over it and hurt a relationship that was so hard to build in the first place... my sister feels sorry for my dad and wants to help him and even though I wish him well, I just want to leave him alone to deal with his shit and the consequences of his own actions. When I broke up with my ex, he didn't ask me a single question and didn't offer support of any kind. I've been helping and supporting him since I was a little kid. Now I've given enough. This behavior from my dad reminded me of how much of a burden he's been in my life, bullying me, belittling me, manipulating me, jealous of any success of mine. and he keeps trying to bring me down.

So it's been a tough few days. I'm still enthusiastic for the future, but I need to find a way to rest properly before getting to it.

thanks for reading, I know it's not directly related to CSA but indirectly it is...

Wish you all the best and a very nice weekend ahead!

Lo

 

[smc1972]

@loo I am sorry to hear you had lost your job but I think it is good that you realized you need to take this time to figure yourself out. I am in a similar mode but on leave from work. I think we are molded into things and our view of ourselves was tainted by those who abused us. I hope you do purse the career you want to have to do something that you will enjoy. If you have been in unhealthy romantic relationships then like you said you said, that needs to change. I find change to be very difficult but not changing at least for me would not have been good.

in the past, when I was a kid, I would end up having to take care of him when he was single and heartbroken (he's a manipulative prick who takes advantage of his kids a lot). I ignored his message, because I absolutely don't want to get involved in his problems but it makes me feel so weak. It feels like it's a foundation of mine who's crumbling.

You do not have to take care of him, you cannot let him come in and cause you to have challenges with your own life. Again somethign that is not easy if you were always the care giver. But as hard as this is to do again for me at least, you have to put yourself first. I wonder if you also have that challange.

You stated exactly why you have to stand for yourself, “he's a manipulative prick who takes advantage of his kids a lot).” I think a lot of us fall in to that care giver told because we wanted to please those abusing us. To try and make others happy at our own expense. I think the abuse leads to a lot of us have a high level of empathy that others take advantage of.

When I broke up with my ex, he didn't ask me a single question and didn't offer support of any kind. I've been helping and supporting him since I was a little kid. Now I've given enough. This behavior from my dad reminded me of how much of a burden he's been in my life, bullying me, belittling me, manipulating me, jealous of any success of mine. and he keeps trying to bring me down

You can’t let him bring you down. You also can’t make him change either so you have to be the one to do what you need to do for yourself. I know it is difficult when it is family particularly a parent, it can truly be painful. I am in that boat and it was not easy to in essence to seperate yourself from them but sometimes you have to do just that.

I talked to my siblings about it but I'm scared that they won't like my opinion on it and that we will fight over it and hurt a relationship that was so hard to build in the first place... my sister feels sorry for my dad and wants to help him and even though I wish him well, I just want to leave him alone to deal with his shit and the consequences of his own actions.

Be honest with your siblings and tell them that for your own mental health you just can’t get sucked in by him. You have to think of yourself at times like this and do what is best for you. Does not mean you still don’t love him on some level (maybe you don’t which is also ok).

You said he is a narcissist and you probably already know, you can’t or anyone else change him.

Give yourself the respect and love you deserve by looking out for yourself.

 

[loo]

thanks a lot for your answer!

it just dawns on me how much my parents are happy to see me fail, so that they can feel more important and superior and that I don't challenge them... it's very painful... they were happy for my success as long as my success meant they don't have to help me and can boast that they have a talented son but now that I'm an adult, I feel like they would love for me to fail at everything so that they would look better in comparison.

Also I feel like my dad's message violently woke up some sleeping anxiety about him that was never solved. And with not talking to him, this dread that something bad would happen to him was slowly growing even though I didn't realize it and a little push like this message was enough to make this dread huge again. and make me feel very guilty.

yes it's hard to put myself first, I feel like my world is going to collapse sometimes if I don't follow my parents ideas and lifestyle. it's exhausting.

thanks again, I hope you also find some new professional way that makes you happy and fits you!

Lo