I gave my son a better life - and now I'm jealous of him for it.
Guess I am back here again. This time of year. Of course it's this time of year.
This time of year at age 8, I was molested and raped by a playground monitor at my school. In adolescence I was nervous, sexually confused, high-strung, with an overreacting startle response that made me prime meat for bullies. Sneaking up to touch me and make me jump - it happened every time, I couldn't control it. They had never seen anything funnier in their lives, and it got even more fun for them when they grew big enough to follow the jump-scares with really beating me up. At 11 when the beatings from bullies got severe enough, I tried to get a bigger tougher kid to be my friend so no one would mess with me. That part worked, but he turned out to be a different sort of bully who wanted to do different sorts of things with me.... I went along with it because at least I wasn't getting beaten up anymore.
Like I said, multiple problems and crises always seem to hit me at this time of year. Took several rounds of therapy that went nowhere because I wasn't ready to address the real issue. This time of year at 34 I had a complete suicidal nervous breakdown for a variety of reasons all colliding together but the final ultimate trigger was my son starting school, getting on a big boy yellow school bus for the first time. When he was little he was my clone, my shadow, a total daddy's boy. Seeing the bus take him to school was the last straw and soon after I was totally flipping out. Even that was a long time ago, I got help, therapy the right way, and there's a reason I was gone from here for over a decade.
He is now 17 and I could not be prouder. He is more than I ever hoped for from a son. Everything you could imagine bragging about.
Everything I wasn't.
Top of his class, elected class president, very popular, seemingly infinite confidence, always at parties, huge group of friends, the friend-parents all joke amongst each other that we already know the groomsmen, THAT'S how close my bro of a son is with all his fellow bros. He is taller than me, happier than me, more assertive than me, better grades than me (and I got good grades!), probably stronger than me, far more popular and accepted than I ever was. Has done more with girls than I had at this age or for many years beyond - and yes, I do know that, we have an excellent relationship, we share a lot and can talk about anything. WELL NOT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, I sure haven't told him about the CSA, but I did warn him, did let him know the it's-not-your-fault, did let him know the always-tell-me, did let him know the I'll-always-love-you-no-matter-what. Also talked about consent, about respecting your partner, about how maybe waiting's not so bad (but don't wait as long as I did, though I really had no choice but to wait... always scared, shy, and confused). There were probably times when I scared him, when I said "if you're in Situation X, some asshole might try Bad Thing Y" and his eyes would widen.... where's the harm in a warning? Clearly nothing I told him to watch out for has impeded his social life.
He has a better life than I did, so much happier than I was, set on a path to go further than I did, I made goddamned sure of that, it was the goal as I was pulling myself out of the grave. Credit also must go to my wife, who was always more outgoing than me, always quicker to make friends, she could lead him in many ways that I could not. Credit to her also for putting up with my bullshit, but that's a whole different story.
And while I'm proud of knowing it worked... I've also been getting a little jealous. Envious. You can't help but see yourself reflected in your kids, I've been re-reading my summary of his awesomeness above and it's a little obnoxious, isn't it? A little over the top, even for a proud parent? I can't take any of it back, it's true.
But it should have been true for me too. I was in no way less deserving. My parents loved me too, they wanted the best for me and they worked hard to set me up for a happy life. What happened to me was beyond my control or theirs. There was this horrible cosmic pinball machine that knocked me down a bad path that only had bad options. I could have been at constant parties, I could have been the cool leader kid with 30 or 40 or more just among the close friends. I could have tried my luck with girls still in high school. I could have felt safe.
I could have felt safe. I can't imagine myself feeling safe at that age but I know it could have happened. It should have.
His class president alpha easy-smiling life is this tribute to everything I ever wanted and I take such joy in his victories, in how maybe a little of the light shining off him can beam my way too. I hope so dearly that he can't even imagine an alternative. Because I for sure remember one.
This time of year at age 8, I was molested and raped by a playground monitor at my school. In adolescence I was nervous, sexually confused, high-strung, with an overreacting startle response that made me prime meat for bullies. Sneaking up to touch me and make me jump - it happened every time, I couldn't control it. They had never seen anything funnier in their lives, and it got even more fun for them when they grew big enough to follow the jump-scares with really beating me up. At 11 when the beatings from bullies got severe enough, I tried to get a bigger tougher kid to be my friend so no one would mess with me. That part worked, but he turned out to be a different sort of bully who wanted to do different sorts of things with me.... I went along with it because at least I wasn't getting beaten up anymore.
Like I said, multiple problems and crises always seem to hit me at this time of year. Took several rounds of therapy that went nowhere because I wasn't ready to address the real issue. This time of year at 34 I had a complete suicidal nervous breakdown for a variety of reasons all colliding together but the final ultimate trigger was my son starting school, getting on a big boy yellow school bus for the first time. When he was little he was my clone, my shadow, a total daddy's boy. Seeing the bus take him to school was the last straw and soon after I was totally flipping out. Even that was a long time ago, I got help, therapy the right way, and there's a reason I was gone from here for over a decade.
He is now 17 and I could not be prouder. He is more than I ever hoped for from a son. Everything you could imagine bragging about.
Everything I wasn't.
Top of his class, elected class president, very popular, seemingly infinite confidence, always at parties, huge group of friends, the friend-parents all joke amongst each other that we already know the groomsmen, THAT'S how close my bro of a son is with all his fellow bros. He is taller than me, happier than me, more assertive than me, better grades than me (and I got good grades!), probably stronger than me, far more popular and accepted than I ever was. Has done more with girls than I had at this age or for many years beyond - and yes, I do know that, we have an excellent relationship, we share a lot and can talk about anything. WELL NOT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, I sure haven't told him about the CSA, but I did warn him, did let him know the it's-not-your-fault, did let him know the always-tell-me, did let him know the I'll-always-love-you-no-matter-what. Also talked about consent, about respecting your partner, about how maybe waiting's not so bad (but don't wait as long as I did, though I really had no choice but to wait... always scared, shy, and confused). There were probably times when I scared him, when I said "if you're in Situation X, some asshole might try Bad Thing Y" and his eyes would widen.... where's the harm in a warning? Clearly nothing I told him to watch out for has impeded his social life.
He has a better life than I did, so much happier than I was, set on a path to go further than I did, I made goddamned sure of that, it was the goal as I was pulling myself out of the grave. Credit also must go to my wife, who was always more outgoing than me, always quicker to make friends, she could lead him in many ways that I could not. Credit to her also for putting up with my bullshit, but that's a whole different story.
And while I'm proud of knowing it worked... I've also been getting a little jealous. Envious. You can't help but see yourself reflected in your kids, I've been re-reading my summary of his awesomeness above and it's a little obnoxious, isn't it? A little over the top, even for a proud parent? I can't take any of it back, it's true.
But it should have been true for me too. I was in no way less deserving. My parents loved me too, they wanted the best for me and they worked hard to set me up for a happy life. What happened to me was beyond my control or theirs. There was this horrible cosmic pinball machine that knocked me down a bad path that only had bad options. I could have been at constant parties, I could have been the cool leader kid with 30 or 40 or more just among the close friends. I could have tried my luck with girls still in high school. I could have felt safe.
I could have felt safe. I can't imagine myself feeling safe at that age but I know it could have happened. It should have.
His class president alpha easy-smiling life is this tribute to everything I ever wanted and I take such joy in his victories, in how maybe a little of the light shining off him can beam my way too. I hope so dearly that he can't even imagine an alternative. Because I for sure remember one.
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