Still reconnecting with my abuser all these years later

[TimTraum]

I can relate to this. The secrecy was a big part of the excitement and made the challenge of having frequent sex all the more rewarding.

for sure!

 

[TimTraum]

About the time I turned fourteen my most frequent, long term abuser suddenly stopped without explanation. I was devastated, my world flipped upside down. Not only did I need the release that he regularly gave me with orgasms, I needed the physical contact and the emotional charge I got by pleasing him. As much as I tried to entice him, it was to no avail. If he had not stopped I don't know if I ever would have.

omg 14 for me too!

 

[tgslair]

I guess in some ways unfortunate because I didn’t know about 99% of my abusers. But the one I did know who was actually kind I googled him from time to time. I’ve never been able to find him.

 

[Trev]

I was 13, my friends dad and I kept the secret, I know it’s strange but he was an still is an excellent dad to his son who is still paralyzed. It lasted from 13 until 15, about the time I started focusing on driving.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I was 13, my friends dad and I kept the secret, I know it’s strange but he was an still is an excellent dad to his son who is still paralyzed. It lasted from 13 until 15, about the time I started focusing on driving.

Driving is why I broke it off with my abuser. Obviously I loved the previous five years of sex but driving was something new to me and I wanted to drive places with my friends. So that was the end of that… I didn’t really think about him much over the next few years.

 

[TimTraum]

Driving is why I broke it off with my abuser. Obviously I loved the previous five years of sex but driving was something new to me and I wanted to drive places with my friends. So that was the end of that… I didn’t really think about him much over the next few years.

interesting..driving didn't deter me from wanting him at all.

 

[dcwofhs90]

interesting..driving didn't deter me from wanting him at all.

I began working at a young age; I delivered the newspaper at 9…worked at a little grocery store in my hometown at 12. I saved a lot of money and was able to buy a car shortly before I turned 16. So I had a car sitting in the driveway that I couldn’t drive yet… I was more than ready to start driving! My car was more important to me than sex at the time…

 

[Jack1]

Driving is why I broke it off with my abuser. Obviously I loved the previous five years of sex but driving was something new to me and I wanted to drive places with my friends. So that was the end of that… I didn’t really think about him much over the next few years.

I have wondered for many years why my primary abuser at the time suddenly stopped when I was nearly 14 years old. He was a little more than two years older than me and I now wonder if getting his drivers license and a car as soon as he turned 16 was a reason for suddenly acting as if he didn't even know me. He wouldn't give me a reason and it's possible he wasn't really sure why the five years of frequent sexual activity suddenly stopped. It was obvious the whole time that he had a low opinion of me and was just using me for his own selfish sexual gratification. I had also reached puberty at that point so there is also that. The fact that he moved on to something else should not have come as a surprise. It was however devastating to me.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I have wondered for many years why my primary abuser at the time suddenly stopped when I was nearly 14 years old. He was a little more than two years older than me and I now wonder if getting his drivers license and a car as soon as he turned 16 was a reason for suddenly acting as if he didn't even know me. He wouldn't give me a reason and it's possible he wasn't really sure why the five years of frequent sexual activity suddenly stopped. It was obvious the whole time that he had a low opinion of me and was just using me for his own selfish sexual gratification. I had also reached puberty at that point so there is also that. The fact that he moved on to something else should not have come as a surprise. It was however devastating to me.

Although not in my case, I’ve read that many abusers lose interest when their victim reaches puberty. I wonder why that is. But it could’ve very possibly been that he was more interested in driving like I was. Still, another possibility is that he began questioning why he was abusing you and just decided to stop.

 

[Jack1]

Although not in my case, I’ve read that many abusers lose interest when their victim reaches puberty. I wonder why that is. But it could’ve very possibly been that he was more interested in driving like I was. Still, another possibility is that he began questioning why he was abusing you and just decided to stop.

I think along with his ability to drive he had an interest in females and it's possible that having sex with a prepubescent boy was ok. But having sex with one who finally showed signs of puberty was too much like gay sex, something which at that time was not at all accepted, especially if you had an interest if females. Along with that, I had been becoming a bit too brazen in my attempts to get him to have sex with me and I might have been scaring him off.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I think along with his ability to drive he had an interest in females and it's possible that having sex with a prepubescent boy was ok. But having sex with one who finally showed signs of puberty was too much like gay sex, something which at that time was not at all accepted, especially if you had an interest if females. Along with that, I had been becoming a bit too brazen in my attempts to get him to have sex with me and I might have been scaring him off.

Makes total sense. I read once that most predators are heterosexual married men. Perhaps that’s why many lose interest when puberty arrives.

 

[royjay]

It wasn’t just how he made me feel (although that was the biggest part of the appeal); I found the whole secretive nature of it exciting.

The big secret was so powerful for me too. I enjoyed our secret times wrestling. I haven't experienced anything like this since.

 

[dcwofhs90]

The big secret was so powerful for me too. I enjoyed our secret times wrestling. I haven't experienced anything like this since.

In response to “I haven’t experienced anything like this since,” I spent most of my 20s and 30s trying to experience the feelings I had as a boy. I actively went out to bars looking for older men in an attempt to “reenact” my abuse but no one could make me feel like my abuser did. I was like a crack addict chasing that first high…it’s never achievable, ever again.

 

[royjay]

Thank you for sharing. I'm struggling right now. I haven't been with a guy since my childhood.

 

[TimTraum]

In response to “I haven’t experienced anything like this since,” I spent most of my 20s and 30s trying to experience the feelings I had as a boy. I actively went out to bars looking for older men in an attempt to “reenact” my abuse but no one could make me feel like my abuser did. I was like a crack addict chasing that first high…it’s never achievable, ever again.

Yes! Keeping my bottom and pubis always shaved, hoping to find an older man who would "go there" with me and let me be his boy at least verbally.

 

[royjay]

Thank you for sharing. I'm struggling right now. I haven't been with a guy since my childhood.

 

[dcwofhs90]

Yes! Keeping my bottom and pubis always shaved, hoping to find an older man who would "go there" with me and let me be his boy at least verbally.

I looked very young all through my 20s. Just picture McLovin from Superbad…that was me in my 20s. I even had braces for 4-5 years of my 20s… it was never difficult to find older men who would role play with me. While enjoyable, no one could ever make it feel like it did when I was a boy.

 

[Blessedcurse]

Honestly when I have role played with partners (all involved consenting adults) it has been way way better than the original experience. Maybe that is why I have never felt damaged or ashamed about those reenactments. It has worked for me. Not solved the problem but gave times of peace and presence.

Maybe it works for me because the original experience were just violent and horrible, and the feeling of being held that I found in them was only in moments and only illusory. The re-enactment has never been about reliving first sexual experiences. Not about sex at all but about feeling safe and held, seen and valued even at my weakest and in total submission. And that works better when I am a consenting adult with another adult who actually does care about me. Going back to real abusers is for me a total illusion. There would never be any real care or love in it.

 

[dcwofhs90]

Honestly when I have role played with partners (all involved consenting adults) it has been way way better than the original experience. Maybe that is why I have never felt damaged or ashamed about those reenactments. It has worked for me. Not solved the problem but gave times of peace and presence.

Maybe it works for me because the original experience were just violent and horrible, and the feeling of being held that I found in them was only in moments and only illusory. The re-enactment has never been about reliving first sexual experiences. Not about sex at all but about feeling safe and held, seen and valued even at my weakest and in total submission. And that works better when I am a consenting adult with another adult who actually does care about me. Going back to real abusers is for me a total illusion. There would never be any real care or love in it.

For me, it’s exactly the opposite. I loved every moment of my abuse, which I know isn’t very common. I spent many years trying to reenact and relive those times with my abuser. I went to him over and over and over, and that’s part of the shame, guilt and self-blame that I deal with today.

 

[tgslair]

I spent most of my 20s and 30s trying to experience the feelings I had as a boy. I actively went out to bars looking for older men in an attempt to “reenact” my abuse but no one could make me feel like my abuser did.

I know that feeling too well.