Please Help
Hi everyone,
First, thank you for welcoming and trusting me. Or at least I hope you will.
I’m sharing this because I feel like I need to tell my story to someone outside my immediate life. I want to be fully honest about what I’ve been through, the mistakes I’ve made, and the work I’m doing to recover and protect my family.
I experienced childhood abuse at 8 or 9 at the hands of a teenage boy in my neighborhood. It took me many years to finally recognize or admit that. I’m not ready to discuss details but I will someday.
For years, I questioned whether what happened could even be called abuse, but I now recognize it was. The trauma left me a scared, confused, and secretive child. I carried that shame and fear of judgment, disbelief, or abandonment into adulthood. This has shaped the way I relate to others, how I process intimacy, and how I cope with stress.
Part of coping for me has involved seeking connection online. I engaged in sexualized chat with strangers as a way to explore parts of myself I didn’t feel safe expressing in real life. For me, it was a way to experiment with my sexuality in a controlled, private environment where I could start and stop interactions at will. It provided an outlet for curiosity and fantasy that I felt I couldn’t safely share with my spouse or anyone close to me. Looking back, I can see that it was both a symptom of my trauma and a form of secrecy that I now want to address.
My trauma also created emotional patterns that have affected my family. I struggle with trust issues and often feel the need to control situations or people around me to feel safe. I have a hard time believing I am worthy of love or respect, which can make me insecure, distant, or controlling. These behaviors have hurt the people I love most because I didn’t address any of the underlying causes, and I deeply regret that.
Abuse, I am learning, can split a person’s sense of self into a “good public self” and a “hidden secret self,” and I’ve lived with that split for decades. Part of my journey is learning how to bring those pieces together in healthy ways.
Sexuality has also been complicated for me. I am primarily attracted to women, but I have also experienced attraction to men. Part of my confusion does stem from the abuse I experienced and the ways it shaped my feelings about intimacy, control, and vulnerability. I’ve never been fully certain what labels, if any, fit me. I know I am not gay or I couldn’t and wouldn’t have married and had children. But I don’t know what, if anything else, I am. I recognize that secrecy and shame around this have added to the stress and distance in my closest relationships.
I am actively working on healing. I am starting therapy and support groups, confronting these patterns and trying to understand the root of my behaviors. I am committed to being transparent, stopping harmful secrecy, and rebuilding trust and connection with my family. I know this will be a long road, but I want to be a partner and parent who is present, accountable, and emotionally available, if that is even still possible.
Sharing this here is part of my effort to be honest about my past and my journey toward recovery. I hope it can help me connect with others who understand trauma, secrecy, sexual confusion, and the challenge of maintaining meaningful relationships while healing. I also hope it can serve as a step toward rebuilding trust and emotional safety for the people I love.
Thank you for reading. I hope some of this might make sense to someone out there and that person or people can help me. I want to take back control of my life.
“Psulienz”
First, thank you for welcoming and trusting me. Or at least I hope you will.
I’m sharing this because I feel like I need to tell my story to someone outside my immediate life. I want to be fully honest about what I’ve been through, the mistakes I’ve made, and the work I’m doing to recover and protect my family.
I experienced childhood abuse at 8 or 9 at the hands of a teenage boy in my neighborhood. It took me many years to finally recognize or admit that. I’m not ready to discuss details but I will someday.
For years, I questioned whether what happened could even be called abuse, but I now recognize it was. The trauma left me a scared, confused, and secretive child. I carried that shame and fear of judgment, disbelief, or abandonment into adulthood. This has shaped the way I relate to others, how I process intimacy, and how I cope with stress.
Part of coping for me has involved seeking connection online. I engaged in sexualized chat with strangers as a way to explore parts of myself I didn’t feel safe expressing in real life. For me, it was a way to experiment with my sexuality in a controlled, private environment where I could start and stop interactions at will. It provided an outlet for curiosity and fantasy that I felt I couldn’t safely share with my spouse or anyone close to me. Looking back, I can see that it was both a symptom of my trauma and a form of secrecy that I now want to address.
My trauma also created emotional patterns that have affected my family. I struggle with trust issues and often feel the need to control situations or people around me to feel safe. I have a hard time believing I am worthy of love or respect, which can make me insecure, distant, or controlling. These behaviors have hurt the people I love most because I didn’t address any of the underlying causes, and I deeply regret that.
Abuse, I am learning, can split a person’s sense of self into a “good public self” and a “hidden secret self,” and I’ve lived with that split for decades. Part of my journey is learning how to bring those pieces together in healthy ways.
Sexuality has also been complicated for me. I am primarily attracted to women, but I have also experienced attraction to men. Part of my confusion does stem from the abuse I experienced and the ways it shaped my feelings about intimacy, control, and vulnerability. I’ve never been fully certain what labels, if any, fit me. I know I am not gay or I couldn’t and wouldn’t have married and had children. But I don’t know what, if anything else, I am. I recognize that secrecy and shame around this have added to the stress and distance in my closest relationships.
I am actively working on healing. I am starting therapy and support groups, confronting these patterns and trying to understand the root of my behaviors. I am committed to being transparent, stopping harmful secrecy, and rebuilding trust and connection with my family. I know this will be a long road, but I want to be a partner and parent who is present, accountable, and emotionally available, if that is even still possible.
Sharing this here is part of my effort to be honest about my past and my journey toward recovery. I hope it can help me connect with others who understand trauma, secrecy, sexual confusion, and the challenge of maintaining meaningful relationships while healing. I also hope it can serve as a step toward rebuilding trust and emotional safety for the people I love.
Thank you for reading. I hope some of this might make sense to someone out there and that person or people can help me. I want to take back control of my life.
“Psulienz”
