Overwhelmed By Latest Disclosure
PerseidDreams
Registrant
Struggling here. I’ve gone through emotional whiplash the last few weeks. My husband said he no longer wanted to be married to me last month. I was blindsided. A week later I became the first person he disclosed his CSA to. The week in between finding out he was ice cold to me. I had no context as to why he wanted the marriage to end. Just said he lost the spark. I was distraught, thrown into deep grief, confused and heartbroken. I also felt so fucking sad for his pain and suffering he has carried his whole life when I found out.
He has since opened up that he actually had made plans that he was going to end his life that week. Distancing himself from me was part of that plan.
Since his molestation was male to male I suspected some of his distancing may have been related to confusion around sexuality. I’ve been so focused on the impacts of his CSA and have read Allies In Healing and Victims No More.
He shared that the intrusive thoughts continue but he is getting a lot out of therapy. Not only was he molested as a young child, but he was also beaten while three of his female friends were raped in his teenage years. Many of his flashbacks have been sounds from this event.
Today he shared he has struggled with attraction to teenagers. Older ones but in my mind that’s a very moot point. He also has had rape fantasies. Honestly even typing this is overwhelming. I was trying to be compassionate and just listen since I’m a safe place to share, but I was ill prepared for that revelation. I felt my stomach drop.
We are currently separated (a decision a week after CSA disclosure as he wanted distance and expressing not wanting to be married). He said today he actually does want and see us together after all this. He expresses he knows my feelings toward working on being together may change or could have changed. That said, he would like to work toward an us if I’m willing.
I honestly have no idea what I feel now. These last few weeks have been absolute hell. I’m not discounting the bravery and courage he has shown facing this. His willingness to seek therapy and supports. He wants to heal and I want that for him.
I just don’t know how I recover from the blindside and all of these details I can’t unknow. He says he obviously knows he is a good person and would never ever act on the thoughts. He hates himself for having the thoughts and that’s why he wanted to end his life.
I also don’t feel I could tell him that this latest revelation has thrown me for a loop. I don’t want to add to his shame and his therapist has explained these thoughts can happen due to the trauma.
Anyways I’m just super overwhelmed. Together 20 years. I absolutely have loved and love this person. However, now I’m questioning everything. What if those thoughts never go away from him? What stops a mind from not acting upon them? It’s just scared me.
He has always been a joyful, kind and hilarious soul. I know he is hurting. I’m at a loss. I am going to therapy and focusing on myself. However, for 20 years my life has been intertwined with this person so there can’t not be an impact.
He has since opened up that he actually had made plans that he was going to end his life that week. Distancing himself from me was part of that plan.
Since his molestation was male to male I suspected some of his distancing may have been related to confusion around sexuality. I’ve been so focused on the impacts of his CSA and have read Allies In Healing and Victims No More.
He shared that the intrusive thoughts continue but he is getting a lot out of therapy. Not only was he molested as a young child, but he was also beaten while three of his female friends were raped in his teenage years. Many of his flashbacks have been sounds from this event.
Today he shared he has struggled with attraction to teenagers. Older ones but in my mind that’s a very moot point. He also has had rape fantasies. Honestly even typing this is overwhelming. I was trying to be compassionate and just listen since I’m a safe place to share, but I was ill prepared for that revelation. I felt my stomach drop.
We are currently separated (a decision a week after CSA disclosure as he wanted distance and expressing not wanting to be married). He said today he actually does want and see us together after all this. He expresses he knows my feelings toward working on being together may change or could have changed. That said, he would like to work toward an us if I’m willing.
I honestly have no idea what I feel now. These last few weeks have been absolute hell. I’m not discounting the bravery and courage he has shown facing this. His willingness to seek therapy and supports. He wants to heal and I want that for him.
I just don’t know how I recover from the blindside and all of these details I can’t unknow. He says he obviously knows he is a good person and would never ever act on the thoughts. He hates himself for having the thoughts and that’s why he wanted to end his life.
I also don’t feel I could tell him that this latest revelation has thrown me for a loop. I don’t want to add to his shame and his therapist has explained these thoughts can happen due to the trauma.
Anyways I’m just super overwhelmed. Together 20 years. I absolutely have loved and love this person. However, now I’m questioning everything. What if those thoughts never go away from him? What stops a mind from not acting upon them? It’s just scared me.
He has always been a joyful, kind and hilarious soul. I know he is hurting. I’m at a loss. I am going to therapy and focusing on myself. However, for 20 years my life has been intertwined with this person so there can’t not be an impact.
