My Struggle with Sexual ID

My Struggle with Sexual ID
Lone Survivor

Lone Survivor

Registrant
1st it was my father, then my mother and lastly my brother all saying. You are a guy therefore you are 100% Straight. With someone telling me that constantly, and me having self doubts most of my life I am and have been for the most of it. Not 100% certain, to this date I can't even say for certain if I am straight, gay or bi as I really don't know. I have no issue with guys kissing one another or seeing photos of both sexes nude. Nor does it automatically give me an erection.

I never really dated, see my story and you see why. Also because of it I never had a lot of money and going out on dates is something I can't afford most of the time.

Also I am scared of being intimate with someone, trust issues, can I really trust them not to hurt me. Frankly that is my biggest fear.

So I label myself Asexual for now, as it seems the most logical thing to do
 
I'm very confused about my identity. I've been doing olympic-level mental gymnastics since I was 9. Since then I've wanted to be a girl and have a vagina. It's been ongoing and ever present. I'm 60. I've always been attracted to women and I want to be one. But the pressure from everything in my life to be a cis-het man is oppressive. I still have a lot of trouble identifying as transgender. It *seems* clear, but it's just really hard to admit.
 
Good morning! I struggled at first as I was attracted to men, but it was men who abused me. The ever resounding question in my mind was and is, "Why would you seek the very thing that was forced upon you?" So in my mind I couldn't be gay, so I had to be straight. So I was. Got married, and within 7 years, had an affair with a man. So I must be bisexual right? But I can only love one person at a time be they male or female. So my wife and I got back together. Fast forward 29 years, and I've had a massive return of all memories, and I begin acting out, having affairs, and eventually meeting someone. Through therapy, the voices in my head began to quiet, and I could hear other voices that I had long ignored. I'm gay, have always been gay, and will always be gay. Now life feels right. Mountains of guilt and shame about being gay have been lifted.

We are all on our own journey. For some like me, it's a journey of self discovery. I wish you well on your journey. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk to someone.
 
After talking to one member and a lot of soul searching. I know I am gay, I would prefer to be with a man, rather than a woman. I know there is a lot I don't know, and if I go forward, a lot of things to discover. One bit of advice I got from someone outside this forum and that is go slow. Also to be careful mainly because of the abuse I suffered. It makes me vulnerable, I know even with a good friend I tend to let them decide on things. I should stand up more for myself. Try and find a balance which is easier said than done.
 
Lone Survivor said:
So I label myself Asexual for now, as it seems the most logical thing to do
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@Lone Survivor This I clearly understand. My inner struggles have led to a 20 year abstinence from sex altogether. It makes me uncomfortable to continually question who I am.
 
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