Mourning My Life But Hoping for the Future
bluesteel
Registrant
One thing I do a lot is mourn my old life. It's depressing. I was moderately happy for a number of years while living abroad and I will do anything to get back to that. I don't know if that means setting up an adult life in the US (either near family or a bit distanced from here with friends) or in a major city or if I just go abroad again while I am young. I don't necessarily have to do 5 years, I can just do a few months. I would also have the option of coming back more frequently. I have to remind myself that COVID was a one time thing and the rules were different.
I don't feel like I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish with a life abroad and the relationship and other drama as well as COVID didn't help. I had to derail my career plans and I just feel fucking stuck and a half. I miss living abroad and it was frankly the most interesting thing about me.
Living abroad again is something that frankly I am kind of requiring of myself in the future, not holding myself to "you must do this" but almost an expectation I am setting for myself. One thing I didn't get to do abroad was explore enough sexually. I am kind of glad that I did not do that in a way because it would have been risky and with the wrong gender. I also feel like in many ways sex was easier to explore for me in the states. But i crave that sexpat lifestyle that I didn't know existed when I left. I regret being in THAT relationship at times, but I am thankful because without it I never would have experienced a serious and committed relationship.
I see myself living abroad when I finally have kids. I was talking about this with THE girl I have weird feelings for a few months ago and she got giddy and said she could see herself living in a place I wanted with her daughter and that made me feel special but then she ended the conversation quickly which I think was a sign. I hate how gaga I am over her. I can't tell if it's a real feeling or not and that frustrates me. All I know is I want to be able to shoot my shot and the idea of not being able to do that is more painful than a rejection. I keep thinking back to when I was living abroad and traveling and she came to visit me and we were walking along Portuguese mansions along a body of water on one of those summer nights where the sun had set but there was still an echo of light in the sky and it just felt so romantic, should have made my move then, could have potentially saved us both a lot of heartache, but we were both in relationships at the time, albeit new ones.
I really need to speak with a therapist soon about these romantic feelings because as I didn't develop normally and have other issues with intimacy, I just don't want to do the wrong thing or get hurt. I also need to sort through the many feelings in my mind when they come up, I think this is something I would have learned to do normally if I had a normal experience in life.
I have a few different dreams. I feel like I'm failing them all. But I have my priorities straight. I like that about me.
I am hopeful that I will have everything I want. There is a line from Halloweentown that stuck with me since childhood to quote it loosely here for those that haven't seen the movie so it will make sense: "magic is simply just wanting something really really hard and then just letting yourself have it" and I want to have that energy in 2026.
There are many things I want and I will have them, but I need to be realistic about what can change in a year.
I need to become more financially stable again, be able to travel and go out more, feel better about my appearance, make new connections (especially non-professional ones but also professional IN PERSON relationships), and ultimately - shoot my shot.
I am not doing this for me, I am doing this for the 29 year old that had a mental breakdown so severe he had to give up his life temporarily. I am doing this for the 28 year old that spent countless bits of cash trying to become happy. I am doing this for the 27 year old that moved back to the states that was tortured. I am doing this for the 26 year old that was balancing the world on his shoulders. I am doing this for the 25 year old trapped in a toxic relationship on another continent. I am doing this for the 24 year old that is lost and confused and running from predators. I am doing this for the 23 year old that is confused about why things suddenly feel so different. For the 22 year old that was beaten and raped. For the 21 year old that was nearly kidnapped. For the 20 year old that was raped. For the 19 year old confused about his sexuality. For the 18 year old assaulted first semester. For the 17 year old being manipulated and abused. For the 16 year old that had to keep a family together. For the 15 year old that had a huge weight thrusted upon him and experienced significant loss. For the 14 year old that was abused. For the 13 year old that was groomed. For the 12 year old that was bullied and had to spend the summer indoors (and online) after a long illness. For the 11 year old that was scared for his family. And for the 10 year old that wanted nothing more than just to talk to the new girl in his class that was just oh so cute, but he felt a little too fat to stand a chance. For the 9 year old not understanding why his parents were so upset. For the 8 year old confused about all these changes happening so quickly. And I can go on and on.
For years I have been mourning a life I simultaneously had and didn't have. The grass is always greener I suppose. But I miss that life for many reasons, some healthy some not so much.
So I guess that's my biggest goal - get abroad temporarily then back to building a life?
I don't feel like I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish with a life abroad and the relationship and other drama as well as COVID didn't help. I had to derail my career plans and I just feel fucking stuck and a half. I miss living abroad and it was frankly the most interesting thing about me.
Living abroad again is something that frankly I am kind of requiring of myself in the future, not holding myself to "you must do this" but almost an expectation I am setting for myself. One thing I didn't get to do abroad was explore enough sexually. I am kind of glad that I did not do that in a way because it would have been risky and with the wrong gender. I also feel like in many ways sex was easier to explore for me in the states. But i crave that sexpat lifestyle that I didn't know existed when I left. I regret being in THAT relationship at times, but I am thankful because without it I never would have experienced a serious and committed relationship.
I see myself living abroad when I finally have kids. I was talking about this with THE girl I have weird feelings for a few months ago and she got giddy and said she could see herself living in a place I wanted with her daughter and that made me feel special but then she ended the conversation quickly which I think was a sign. I hate how gaga I am over her. I can't tell if it's a real feeling or not and that frustrates me. All I know is I want to be able to shoot my shot and the idea of not being able to do that is more painful than a rejection. I keep thinking back to when I was living abroad and traveling and she came to visit me and we were walking along Portuguese mansions along a body of water on one of those summer nights where the sun had set but there was still an echo of light in the sky and it just felt so romantic, should have made my move then, could have potentially saved us both a lot of heartache, but we were both in relationships at the time, albeit new ones.
I really need to speak with a therapist soon about these romantic feelings because as I didn't develop normally and have other issues with intimacy, I just don't want to do the wrong thing or get hurt. I also need to sort through the many feelings in my mind when they come up, I think this is something I would have learned to do normally if I had a normal experience in life.
I have a few different dreams. I feel like I'm failing them all. But I have my priorities straight. I like that about me.
I am hopeful that I will have everything I want. There is a line from Halloweentown that stuck with me since childhood to quote it loosely here for those that haven't seen the movie so it will make sense: "magic is simply just wanting something really really hard and then just letting yourself have it" and I want to have that energy in 2026.
There are many things I want and I will have them, but I need to be realistic about what can change in a year.
I need to become more financially stable again, be able to travel and go out more, feel better about my appearance, make new connections (especially non-professional ones but also professional IN PERSON relationships), and ultimately - shoot my shot.
I am not doing this for me, I am doing this for the 29 year old that had a mental breakdown so severe he had to give up his life temporarily. I am doing this for the 28 year old that spent countless bits of cash trying to become happy. I am doing this for the 27 year old that moved back to the states that was tortured. I am doing this for the 26 year old that was balancing the world on his shoulders. I am doing this for the 25 year old trapped in a toxic relationship on another continent. I am doing this for the 24 year old that is lost and confused and running from predators. I am doing this for the 23 year old that is confused about why things suddenly feel so different. For the 22 year old that was beaten and raped. For the 21 year old that was nearly kidnapped. For the 20 year old that was raped. For the 19 year old confused about his sexuality. For the 18 year old assaulted first semester. For the 17 year old being manipulated and abused. For the 16 year old that had to keep a family together. For the 15 year old that had a huge weight thrusted upon him and experienced significant loss. For the 14 year old that was abused. For the 13 year old that was groomed. For the 12 year old that was bullied and had to spend the summer indoors (and online) after a long illness. For the 11 year old that was scared for his family. And for the 10 year old that wanted nothing more than just to talk to the new girl in his class that was just oh so cute, but he felt a little too fat to stand a chance. For the 9 year old not understanding why his parents were so upset. For the 8 year old confused about all these changes happening so quickly. And I can go on and on.
For years I have been mourning a life I simultaneously had and didn't have. The grass is always greener I suppose. But I miss that life for many reasons, some healthy some not so much.
So I guess that's my biggest goal - get abroad temporarily then back to building a life?
