As The Death Owed God

[tommyb]

(a chapter)

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(Sunday, 11JAN2026)


(morning, at church)


"You need Someone to walk with you."

What does God want from me ... When 'sit in church, 'just think about June first, 2004, when was so lost and suddenly, jarringly found, due to one fervent prayer. It was such a shock, the right hand shook on and off for six months. Does He want me to know there is an afterlife ... Done, since 'was a boy, living in the American Southern Gothic that was God's Country, ghosts included, especially my older brother. Does He want me to understand why the Bible's Old Testament Matriarchs and Patriarchs live for hundreds and hundreds of years ... Done. 'Have known we are not alone since 'was sixteen. Today, 'know myself to be half-Anunnaki, half-Sasquatch, due to Lloyd Pye and the resulting unofficial science degree. Two-thousand one, A Space Odyssey, 1968, is one of my favorite films.

Does he want me to forgive women .... Willahford always said, the more sex, the more forgiveness of one's mother, no matter how bad she was, and such. Between Ray trying to beat classical autism out of a toddler and him violently sexually assaulting me at three years old, Dawn's harsh, verbal-abuse-laden, authoritarian version of mothering, and Grace and Rose's complicity, complete with lying to the authorities, I come from severe child abuse.

'Am not devastated enough to look for sex and intimacy and comfort from my own gender, and wonder where's Her. Why does Her seem so unnecessary when obviously she's missing. Was one over exposed to the worst of the female gender -- Dawn, Rose, and Grace, for over eighteen years -- maybe 'have seen enough. 'Was so hot for women after June first, when I could suddenly remember before the age of eleven, memory that had been missing since 'was sixteen ... It returned on June first, my twenty-first year. Suddenly 'wrote so much poetry naturally, that 'would become popular at Spoken Word events and would eventually meet beautiful Elise, whom 'still cannot tell was good or bad.

Why does it seem irrelevant, forgiving Ray, while the forgiveness of women seems pressing. To this day, 'will hope my relatives and the complicit cops, firefighters, teachers, social workers, church people, et cetera, never realize 'am classically autistic, or was, heavily, for about ten years, so they'll die thoroughly lost and I won't have to run into them in the afterlife. It would be nice if 'could ask Pops, but our interactions are so powerful and one-sided it can be difficult to describe. Who doesn't have a ghost in their life ... It used to be, by way of the war-time Army, 'was so drenched in the male gender, all the way back to Sparta, 'was so far from God's Country, that it became obvious, 'was one of them, had been all along, and females obviously the fairer sex. 'Wish for those days of my youth.

Does God want me to believe in Jesus or respect Jesus ... Are church leaders exploiting a people that already believes or are they leading somehow. God couldn't possibly want me sexless. It's where people come from. Where's my Her ... and is it possible she's fair enough to cancel out the horrors of God's Country, like she definitely was in my youth. Did the sexual assault and its aftermath make me too lost, beyond recovery, redeemable at twenty-one years of youth, but now too far gone into the ages. They say I look young and fit -- clean living -- drive a cool vehicle, have a nice enough apartment, good job. Eligible in every way. Maybe I watch Bonnie and Clyde, 1967, a bit much. The Silence of the Lambs had been my favorite film since 'was like, eight, having watched it alone Halloween night. I gave Dawn a sizeable bottle of Miss Dior perfume for Christmas. We email regularly out of compassion; (she was obviously autistic, as we were growing up). She sent back an eleven by fourteen of the three of us kids in a professional photograph, from way back when, us around kindergarten. 'Am glad for Grace, that she escaped God's Country so completely. 'Am glad Rose has a whole other -- Christian, churchy -- life, far from God's Country's American Southern Gothic. Ray seems more decent with time but remains unforgiveable, naturally. Hopefully the horrors of God's Country and its female gender won't win out, including Elise. Hopefully, 'will remember true life, with the clear eyes of June first, 2004. So much has been taken from me ... by way of trauma and abuse .... Will it end ... Thanks for letting me share.

"God is a good God."

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[tommyb]

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(Thursday, 5FEB2026)


"How could you say that?" Brodie says, maybe jokingly. 'Can't tell.

A conversation between me and a young male who we'll call Cody apparently got to his ears. 'Didn't know what Cody's issue or worry was or what hellscape he came from, so 'just started talking, to fill the silence, until he wanted to talk. Cody didn't really say much. Sometimes he asked a question.

'Began with: The females lost the war. Every time an American male survives past the age of eighteen and is suddenly considered human under American law, is more proof the females lost the war. That's the tally, I said. They carry the burden of it their whole lives. (That's always been the tally).

Second I offered to build the necessary crematoriums to kill off everyone older than me. 'Said it made sense to me. That I didn't know who was the more dangerous, the American adult male or the American adult female. He didn't believe that they were the exact same adults. 'Told him to think of his most decent adult growing up and if that adult found him or herself alone in a room with me -- 'would have to fight my way out.

Next 'offered to soulkill whomever. 'Explained about my older brother, Adahm, and how he was around growing up despite being dead and how if I didn't want to run into someone in the afterlife I took care of. It was done out of instinct and young impulse. 'Told him 'wouldn't bat an eye and he wouldn't let on and I would say a certain thing a certain way depending on the scenario and if he or she lived five thousand years they'd still die lost, guaranteed. He seemed to turn me down.

'Told him how people tell me their stories, maybe because they know of the hellscape of God's Country, but it's almost always told in confidence. 'Can't help but notice the line of unmarked graves from one end of Carolina to the other ... adults put there by children, some of them female, so there'll never be an Oprah special about it. 'Told him it was one thing when we were kids 'cause God was obviously watching but we survived, we're alive, we won the war. The older male filth is wrinkled and greyed, and the female gender remains as thoroughly lost as ever, same as always. Neither have any idea you exist, 'told him. And it will never occur to either. You're in good position, 'told him. You're safe. What are they trying to send us off to war ...

He asked why I deployed. 'Told him 'cause my friends were going and 'didn't want them to go alone. He later asked about the racists and sexists. 'Told him if the racists and sexists are correct than that makes the females and the minorities our poor and God pays close attention to how one treats the poor. Maybe they require more resources to accomplish less, 'said to him, him being Caucasian. Maybe it's a kind of problem. He never told me what was bothering him, but he smiled a lot. Had no regrets, but for maybe the joke. Except now with Brodie.

"You offered to build crematoriums? And how did you learn to soulkill?"

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[tommyb]

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(Thursday, 12FEB2026)


"The Guthrie kidnapping is a hoax."

Sometimes they talk politics at work. (It's a major negative to be homosexual or liberal). Everyone's back because the snow and ice storms are over. 'Have been keeping up with the nuclear negotiations, but no one else here seems to be. The Epstein files, to them, are a "rich man's game." Many blame the ICE killings in Minnesota on the protesters. "... They knew they were poorly trained and armed ..." Unbeknownst to them, the owner of the restaurant, whose name 'cannot spell, him being Greek, seemed the clearest: "They can outwork any American," he said, "The Latinos. They are the harder workers. They're the preferred workers in America."

One history buff finally finishes his thought as we work together: "... It's the only future. If you're not actually going to war, if you're not actually going, you don't have anything to do with decision making. That's how it's been for thousands of years. We're in charge. We decide if we go to war, and when and how. That's how it's always been. It's the only future."

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