Inner Man, Inner Woman, Inner Child
Stop
Registrant
After years of struggling as an otherwise straight man with so called "same sex attraction", I have discarded the label, and come to a mindful and honoring acceptance about what is REALLY going on with my irrepressible and seemlingly unmanageable desire for male intimacy.
My relational mandates involving men and women are in categorical opposition. This is because they originate from two (but three) separate inner identities with unique, natural non-negotiable developmental objectives. Both my inner woman and inner child organicly pursue self-satisfaction and completion through emotional and physical engagement with a necessary external adult male. The perceived operational interests of the inner child are fiercely passionate. While typically pre-sexual this is NOT the case for me a survivor of premature sexualization. The corresponding interests of the inner woman, also requiring male engagement, are patently romantic and sexual. Both of these inner identities constitute a grave threat to the heteronormative asperations of my inner male: marriage and family.
In response, my inner man retaliates. He MUST alienate and extinguish his inner woman and child, using shame, suppression, mockery, denial, and ultimately murderous hatred, often veiled in the guise of "responsible and moral" religiosity. Both sides represent a public and private catastropic neutralization of the other's basic heartfelt, do-or-die objectives.
My conclusion is this: in appreciation of their destructive potential, my inner child and woman must be honored and allowed to pursue and attain their natural developmental agendas, with respect, and a degree of operational freedom. In the interest of honoring them for who and what they are, I want to make perfectly clear to them, to myself and to you the reader, neither of my two inner selves who lust after men, are "gay". Nor is my inner male, who seeks a woman for his completion.
The incidental but undeniably overwhelming attraction to men that my inner woman and inner child experience, is misnamed. It is not, and has never been, the MAN in me that is attracted to other males, but the woman and child in me. That is why I reject the condition many would call "same gender attraction". It doesn't describe what is really going on. Moreover, the label "same sex" obscures and perverts what is actually a part of natural heterosexuality for all 3 selves in all directions. We would never call a boy who seeks meaningful intimacy with an adult male, gay. His passionate, highly attuned interest in secure, mature masculinity, is anyting but.
My inner woman is straight, naturally, and wants all the stuff that normal heterosexual women want. As the good woman she is, she craves a man who is god fearing, capable of marriage and children (and at best, already has both), is straight, masculine, capable == virile but not promiscuous-- a man who has no abiding sexual interest in other men. If he is healthy, growing; thinks, sounds, and moves like a straight man, his structural beauty is not important.
Mr X., the necessary man my inner selves seek, the target of my incidental erotic and romantic interest, while naturally attracted to women, will never be attracted to my inner woman because she... lives in me.... a man... who is already an embodiment of everything Mr. X already is and has no need to pursue.
Put another way, occassionally and sometimes frequently, my inner woman experiences intense attractions to emotionally mature, virile straight men, specifically Christian fathers, men with zero interest in my outer self, which is likewise decidedly male, masculine, straight, and inclined to fidelity and honor in my own heterosexual marriage.
A bit I've discovered about my inner boy, for you, the male survivor: this kid, age 6, the age he learned to orgasm, still wants to 'play' with his mom's boyfried. The one who put it in my face, knowing it was making me intensely conflicted. He has been fantasizing about cementing a sexual experience with a grown man since he can remember, just enough to feel like he stands a chance to become one of them.
He and my inner woman are the two inner personalities that drive my "same sex attraction", albeit with different fetishistic formations.
--- another quick and probably repetative and political word on "gayness".
Neither my inner pre-gendered boy on one hand, nor my inner woman on the other, are 'gay'. For them, the attraction is and feels organic and appropriate, albeit, in the outer world basically unattainable.
None of my inner people-- man, woman, or child-- have any operational interest in gay or effeminate men. Rather, they are entirely neutral. Any repulsion is entirely due to having to deal with a monolithic and intolerant gay culture where we stupidly sought our desired "Mr. X", who categorically doesn't live there. How dare we don't celebrate gay people. We are cowards... a self-hating closet case. If only they knew what was really going on in, I suspect, many hearts out there.
My inner selves are heterosexual. My inner woman is heterosexual and my inner boy is heterosexual.
I'm sorry to all the men here who feel like they have to make a false choice. I don't like being told "either you are gay or you are not", as I see many times on this forum, as if gayness is a universally homogenous experience. It isn't.
Anyway... most importantly, it has helped me a lot to do shadow work, engaging my inner shadows and getting to know my inner boy and woman as people. Their needs are unique. They aren't bad people but they Will cut you if you stand in their way. Be willing to negotiate.
Meeting them, I have found my lost spontaneity, joi de vivre, sense of humor and many of the qualities that my family members now cherish. Not to mention qualities that have rescued me again and again. They are worth getting to know, not only to avoid the impending doom they like to threaten when ignored.
Cheers.
Let me know how it goes.
My relational mandates involving men and women are in categorical opposition. This is because they originate from two (but three) separate inner identities with unique, natural non-negotiable developmental objectives. Both my inner woman and inner child organicly pursue self-satisfaction and completion through emotional and physical engagement with a necessary external adult male. The perceived operational interests of the inner child are fiercely passionate. While typically pre-sexual this is NOT the case for me a survivor of premature sexualization. The corresponding interests of the inner woman, also requiring male engagement, are patently romantic and sexual. Both of these inner identities constitute a grave threat to the heteronormative asperations of my inner male: marriage and family.
In response, my inner man retaliates. He MUST alienate and extinguish his inner woman and child, using shame, suppression, mockery, denial, and ultimately murderous hatred, often veiled in the guise of "responsible and moral" religiosity. Both sides represent a public and private catastropic neutralization of the other's basic heartfelt, do-or-die objectives.
My conclusion is this: in appreciation of their destructive potential, my inner child and woman must be honored and allowed to pursue and attain their natural developmental agendas, with respect, and a degree of operational freedom. In the interest of honoring them for who and what they are, I want to make perfectly clear to them, to myself and to you the reader, neither of my two inner selves who lust after men, are "gay". Nor is my inner male, who seeks a woman for his completion.
The incidental but undeniably overwhelming attraction to men that my inner woman and inner child experience, is misnamed. It is not, and has never been, the MAN in me that is attracted to other males, but the woman and child in me. That is why I reject the condition many would call "same gender attraction". It doesn't describe what is really going on. Moreover, the label "same sex" obscures and perverts what is actually a part of natural heterosexuality for all 3 selves in all directions. We would never call a boy who seeks meaningful intimacy with an adult male, gay. His passionate, highly attuned interest in secure, mature masculinity, is anyting but.
My inner woman is straight, naturally, and wants all the stuff that normal heterosexual women want. As the good woman she is, she craves a man who is god fearing, capable of marriage and children (and at best, already has both), is straight, masculine, capable == virile but not promiscuous-- a man who has no abiding sexual interest in other men. If he is healthy, growing; thinks, sounds, and moves like a straight man, his structural beauty is not important.
Mr X., the necessary man my inner selves seek, the target of my incidental erotic and romantic interest, while naturally attracted to women, will never be attracted to my inner woman because she... lives in me.... a man... who is already an embodiment of everything Mr. X already is and has no need to pursue.
Put another way, occassionally and sometimes frequently, my inner woman experiences intense attractions to emotionally mature, virile straight men, specifically Christian fathers, men with zero interest in my outer self, which is likewise decidedly male, masculine, straight, and inclined to fidelity and honor in my own heterosexual marriage.
A bit I've discovered about my inner boy, for you, the male survivor: this kid, age 6, the age he learned to orgasm, still wants to 'play' with his mom's boyfried. The one who put it in my face, knowing it was making me intensely conflicted. He has been fantasizing about cementing a sexual experience with a grown man since he can remember, just enough to feel like he stands a chance to become one of them.
He and my inner woman are the two inner personalities that drive my "same sex attraction", albeit with different fetishistic formations.
--- another quick and probably repetative and political word on "gayness".
Neither my inner pre-gendered boy on one hand, nor my inner woman on the other, are 'gay'. For them, the attraction is and feels organic and appropriate, albeit, in the outer world basically unattainable.
None of my inner people-- man, woman, or child-- have any operational interest in gay or effeminate men. Rather, they are entirely neutral. Any repulsion is entirely due to having to deal with a monolithic and intolerant gay culture where we stupidly sought our desired "Mr. X", who categorically doesn't live there. How dare we don't celebrate gay people. We are cowards... a self-hating closet case. If only they knew what was really going on in, I suspect, many hearts out there.
My inner selves are heterosexual. My inner woman is heterosexual and my inner boy is heterosexual.
I'm sorry to all the men here who feel like they have to make a false choice. I don't like being told "either you are gay or you are not", as I see many times on this forum, as if gayness is a universally homogenous experience. It isn't.
Anyway... most importantly, it has helped me a lot to do shadow work, engaging my inner shadows and getting to know my inner boy and woman as people. Their needs are unique. They aren't bad people but they Will cut you if you stand in their way. Be willing to negotiate.
Meeting them, I have found my lost spontaneity, joi de vivre, sense of humor and many of the qualities that my family members now cherish. Not to mention qualities that have rescued me again and again. They are worth getting to know, not only to avoid the impending doom they like to threaten when ignored.
Cheers.
Let me know how it goes.
Last edited:
