Inner Child-Something I Never Got

[smc1972]

I have heard others speak about there inner child, there younger selves and seeing them. They help them and in turn it helps themselves. I never understood this fully. I could not wrap my head around this as people have spoken like they there. I thought in part that if it is something that is helping a person heal then support it. At times when I would be down or in a fog I would think of it. I was envious I guess and told myself it is not me. I am all alone, years of support at times around me such as here and my different T’s, but inside I was alone.

I had shared about two months ago I saw this this boy in my enviroment at the times things were occurring when i was around 15. I saw the pain in his face. Not my face but yet it was me. I was never expecting that before. This occurred while I was in a T session discussing particular things and this hurt I had. It was eye opening though I still did not fully get it or doubted myself. Again it is something others have but not me. Then later another who was preteen. Similar like the other he in that part of my life. Things progressively got worse as I was grew up.

As some of you know last week was difficult for me and I slid back into dark thinking. The trip to my childhood home, the going through and shipping childhood things home such as a lot of pictures became to much. I had told my T that I needed to go into my old bedroom to go down the hall to the bedrooms and bath. I had not gone to that part of the house for around 5 or 6 years. But I just felt if i did not do that i felt I would be leaving something, a part of me. I did all that and last week I broke as I then looked at the things i shipped back to myself in particular this book of my entire school years. I went though every section, report cards, little art pieces my own desired like what i wanted to be when i grew up. It hurt.

I shared this here in a post along with some other things. I received messages from people here that have been so supportive and that really touched me and also seemed to unleash some emotions. It was different this time. I have had great support over the years here but this was different and was also a lot of emotions based on what people were saying. One supportive message from someone that I did get right away but was eye opening later. Other that were so long and thoughtful.

I shared these thigns with my T last Tuesday including some of the messages. I broke down but on a level I never have with her or anyone, even here. I have never cried so much for myself and just so much pain as a child. I wanted to be a good son, a good boy, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be a child. All the things of my past i looked at and all the trappings of a “normal” childhood was to a degree real when very very little but then faded away. As all this was happening and me trying to talk to my T I saw this scarred little boy of 5 or 6 with a look of pure sadness of just hurting. There he was in this very very dark space just sitting there. Nothing visible but him on the floor knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around them and head hanging down but eyes looking up at me. It is hard to write about as it was so clear and painful and sad to see pure just internal sadness.

My T says to get him to come with me and my two other inner child’s, help him come to trust you and to take him and not leave him in the dark. All of this is so vivid. Me and my two other younger selves are there reaching out to him encouraging him. We were in light, warmth vivid colors and there was this hard line that separated us in the light and him in the dark. He ended up taking my hand and the hand of the teen and we lifted him up and brought him to us in to the light and walked away.

This inner child our younger selves that people wrote about that I did not get at first, then got it a little. This was different, this was something that is hard to describe. This child, this image was so real so pure. My T had me do more to bring this child and the other two in to a new place.

Now I am going to write what in my mind what “I” think people would say if I were to tell them this. In my mind they would have this look of like “oh ok yeah” and think wow he has lost it. Again that is my mind and I know my mind is my biggest critic and doubter. It is getting better because, otherwise I would have never shared what I just wrote. Now inside of me there is a part that is now saying “believe in yourself, this is what you experienced it is yours and that is all that matters and no people wont look at you as a freak”.

These past two weeks has been the most impactful I have ever experienced but it is good. I have these three little guys, each in there different ages and different experiences. The youngest though is special and we all sense it.

 

[Ferguson]

Great to hear about healing like this. I've been seeing over the last week how my inner child (10-15ish) has been hating men, totally untrusting, including the adult me who became one of these . . . .men. Men = Shame to him. The older me leant ways of managing men and even experienced a few closer connections but I can see how that part of me has been stuck on that age.

Years ago I had an amazing dream about my inner child; basically I was back at my parents house - a place I wouldn't think anything could survive - and as I was about to leave in disgust I was allowed to see something hidding in the shadows and cobwebs - I only noticed some colour at first - then I saw this beautiful creature. I woke and knew somehow that it was me!

Re connecting with my inner children and teens has been no easy journey. I feel I have a long way to go - trust takes a long time to grow. I have betrayed myself habitually for years and it is no wonder why they don't trust me. I am changing. It is great to be with others going through this 'integration'. Like you that critical voice said I was loosing it. Thanks for your message.

 

[Steve E.]

smc1972 and Ferguson, both of your posts are so beautiful and inspiring to me that they made me cry. I seek that kind of connection to my youngest self but after so many years spent alone, he is elusive. At least I’ve come to believe that he’s there. Thank you for sharing.

 

[smc1972]

Re connecting with my inner children and teens has been no easy journey.

Yes it is not an easy journey, any of this. I am not sure how this will progress as I have only seen them a few times. Someone here suggested to buy things like crayons, colored pencils and such for the younger ones. To let them draw and color. It seemed odd to me like i was not getting it. I have been thinking about it and I think I get it. I still want to do things I did as a kid but don't because i felt it was silly. I want to sit in the storage area under the stairs. It is where I keep my stuffed animals it is a small space. I have only done that a few few times, I criticized myself later about it. Still feel like it is something wrong with me. I am starting to get it, it i become a child again when stressed or depreased. Wanting to be happy more.

 

[smc1972]

Like you that critical voice said I was loosing it.

Yes that self-judgmental voice is something I have not been able shake it fully. It is just so natural for me to have that voice criticizing me. I have improved in that i stop sooner than before and will tell myself i a not loosing it, a looser , a failure, this person that I think others would see me as so messed up. I hate that part of me.

I seek that kind of connection to my youngest self but after so many years spent alone, he is elusive. At least I’ve come to believe that he’s there.

I would read what others would write here about there inner child and believed it is not me i would never experience that. Not i guess worthy of that or that their gone, lost.

Believing that he is there is more than I had for a long time. That is important I think, acknowledging him. Like i had shared it just happened was out of now where. Not anything i was thinking about with all the emotions going on during that session. It is hard to describe the feeling. Just keep the door open for him.

 

[Lothar]

The inner child work is / has been the hardest work I've ever done. This has convinced me it is the avenue towards greater recovery and healing. The approach that I've utilized in therapy for years now, IFS or Internal Family Systems, is centred on the idea that events in childhood, deleterious events like CSA, can leave one fragmented into parts within. Mainly, 'the exile(s)' parts that are walled off for safety and protector parts that arise to protect those exiles. It is through compassion, curiosity, and more that one engages and begins to hear the burdens of these parts and through the effort to gain their trust and understanding will these parts release their burdens and become something else.

I often think of a puppy. If a puppy, who needs and seeks attachment to his pack, belonging and love, affection and guidance, is instead horribly mistreated by their human caregiver, ignored, beaten, not walked and often neglected in feeding, will undoubtedly grow to be frightened and unsure of humans. The dog may become aggressive as a result, lashing out, teeth showing out of fear, or it may adopt a make itself feel small approach, avoidant, shaking in fear, or a combination of.

The dog learned at young age that the world is dangerous and frightening. Yet, am sure we all know, the dog can be helped. A human that understands and is compassionate may spend all the time necessary to rewire the dog's world view, brain and body. By not showing anger, or neglect, but instead remaining steadfast and dedicated in slow, gentle and loving manners, demonstrate to the now grown puppy that not all humans are bad and that this particular human is not giving up, not going away, will commit to demonstrate love, compassion and care, may the dog learn to 'let go' and learn to trust again, learn that it can trust that love, understanding and compassion is real, not manipulative nor dangerous. The dog merely wants to be free, free of the burdens of the past, free of the fears it cares, free of the damage done to it. While it can not change the past, it can, with the aid of the kindness of the human willing to put the time in, it can release the burdens that were unjustly and without fairness, placed onto it. The dog may begin to feel free once again, to merely be a dog .... secure in its path, secure in its understanding this human is worthy of loyalty and respect, devotion and time. The dog may wag its tail when seeing this human in due course, feel safe and free to act like the dog it always could be. Caesar Milan I do believe, practices this when he rehabilitates dogs which humans have often corrupt because those humans did not understand what a dog needs.

It is not much different for young humans, who also need attachment to caregivers, attachment to self and such, but due to events out of their control, those attachments and needs were corrupted. Except, it can not be other humans that show that young human how to resolve the pain, the critic, the shame, etc., like the human aided the dog in healing. It has to be that human who must engage and connect with those wounded, scared, inner child parts within that need the attention, validation, trust, time, compassion and love from the now older human in order for the trust, sense of relief and letting go of burdens to be achieved for the younger wounded parts within. Knowledgeable guides and therapists can aid in this effort to be sure, but it is only the individual themselves that can really do the listening, the communicating, the demonstrating to the inner child parts that produce the resolution sought.

The magic of recovery is not an overnight phenomenon. It takes time, a lot of hard work and certainly, it will cause distress, perhaps invoke anger, rage, sorrow, sadness, fear, etc. The protector parts fight back, they balk at the effort as their sole jump is to protect the hurt wounded exiled inner child. Again, I think of the puppy, who first encounters the compassionate handler who is devoted to helping the dog overcome and learn it is okay to trust again. It would be foolish to expect the dog, upon getting it's first bowl of good healthy food from this handler not to be confused, fearful and perhaps avoidant or angry - as it's own protector parts are most likely telling the dog, it's a trap, bad things will happen again, or so forth. But with dedication and time, slowly, the dog will learn it can trust, it can let it's guard down, that someone really does care and is not in it for themselves, but for the dog. It takes time, but eventually it produces results.

Again, and similarly, when I started engaging with my inner parts, there was blowback, and at times, still are. My protector parts rear up and try to stifle my efforts to engage with this parts. This seems entirely predictable and entirely understandable, and thus it remains my sole jump to give them space, hear their burdens as best I can, let their voice be heard and merely be present, over and over and over again, as I attempt to regain their trust that now, as an adult, I am capable, willing and dedicated to validating all of their concerns and fears and then asking, if they will allow me to take the reins, instead of them ruling the roost. I can modestly state, it is working.

It took years, decades for me to arrive where I am, it will take all the time necessary for me to heal and reincorporate into myself, these parts. It is a marathon, not a hundred metre dash. If I don't show up and commit to the task, there will be no resolution. Just if that handler for the dog does not show up and spend the time with the frightened scared puppy who now is a full grown dog, I could not fault the dog for not improving.

It is the greatest gift I can give to myself, and by extension, towards all I care for and love. As I continue to heal and grow, so will I give back to all those I care for and love in this world. My recovery is my gift to the world around me, but it is solely taken on as the most difficult thing I've ever done as I wish to feel free again, unburdened by the past as much as I may, and stronger and healthier than ever before. This is my hero's journey in real life.

 

[Ferguson]

The inner child work is / has been the hardest work I've ever done. This has convinced me it is the avenue towards greater recovery and healing. The approach that I've utilized in therapy for years now, IFS or Internal Family Systems, is centred on the idea that events in childhood, deleterious events like CSA, can leave one fragmented into parts within. Mainly, 'the exile(s)' parts that are walled off for safety and protector parts that arise to protect those exiles. It is through compassion, curiosity, and more that one engages and begins to hear the burdens of these parts and through the effort to gain their trust and understanding will these parts release their burdens and become something else.

I often think of a puppy. If a puppy, who needs and seeks attachment to his pack, belonging and love, affection and guidance, is instead horribly mistreated by their human caregiver, ignored, beaten, not walked and often neglected in feeding, will undoubtedly grow to be frightened and unsure of humans. The dog may become aggressive as a result, lashing out, teeth showing out of fear, or it may adopt a make itself feel small approach, avoidant, shaking in fear, or a combination of.

The dog learned at young age that the world is dangerous and frightening. Yet, am sure we all know, the dog can be helped. A human that understands and is compassionate may spend all the time necessary to rewire the dog's world view, brain and body. By not showing anger, or neglect, but instead remaining steadfast and dedicated in slow, gentle and loving manners, demonstrate to the now grown puppy that not all humans are bad and that this particular human is not giving up, not going away, will commit to demonstrate love, compassion and care, may the dog learn to 'let go' and learn to trust again, learn that it can trust that love, understanding and compassion is real, not manipulative nor dangerous. The dog merely wants to be free, free of the burdens of the past, free of the fears it cares, free of the damage done to it. While it can not change the past, it can, with the aid of the kindness of the human willing to put the time in, it can release the burdens that were unjustly and without fairness, placed onto it. The dog may begin to feel free once again, to merely be a dog .... secure in its path, secure in its understanding this human is worthy of loyalty and respect, devotion and time. The dog may wag its tail when seeing this human in due course, feel safe and free to act like the dog it always could be. Caesar Milan I do believe, practices this when he rehabilitates dogs which humans have often corrupt because those humans did not understand what a dog needs.

It is not much different for young humans, who also need attachment to caregivers, attachment to self and such, but due to events out of their control, those attachments and needs were corrupted. Except, it can not be other humans that show that young human how to resolve the pain, the critic, the shame, etc., like the human aided the dog in healing. It has to be that human who must engage and connect with those wounded, scared, inner child parts within that need the attention, validation, trust, time, compassion and love from the now older human in order for the trust, sense of relief and letting go of burdens to be achieved for the younger wounded parts within. Knowledgeable guides and therapists can aid in this effort to be sure, but it is only the individual themselves that can really do the listening, the communicating, the demonstrating to the inner child parts that produce the resolution sought.

The magic of recovery is not an overnight phenomenon. It takes time, a lot of hard work and certainly, it will cause distress, perhaps invoke anger, rage, sorrow, sadness, fear, etc. The protector parts fight back, they balk at the effort as their sole jump is to protect the hurt wounded exiled inner child. Again, I think of the puppy, who first encounters the compassionate handler who is devoted to helping the dog overcome and learn it is okay to trust again. It would be foolish to expect the dog, upon getting it's first bowl of good healthy food from this handler not to be confused, fearful and perhaps avoidant or angry - as it's own protector parts are most likely telling the dog, it's a trap, bad things will happen again, or so forth. But with dedication and time, slowly, the dog will learn it can trust, it can let it's guard down, that someone really does care and is not in it for themselves, but for the dog. It takes time, but eventually it produces results.

Again, and similarly, when I started engaging with my inner parts, there was blowback, and at times, still are. My protector parts rear up and try to stifle my efforts to engage with this parts. This seems entirely predictable and entirely understandable, and thus it remains my sole jump to give them space, hear their burdens as best I can, let their voice be heard and merely be present, over and over and over again, as I attempt to regain their trust that now, as an adult, I am capable, willing and dedicated to validating all of their concerns and fears and then asking, if they will allow me to take the reins, instead of them ruling the roost. I can modestly state, it is working.

It took years, decades for me to arrive where I am, it will take all the time necessary for me to heal and reincorporate into myself, these parts. It is a marathon, not a hundred metre dash. If I don't show up and commit to the task, there will be no resolution. Just if that handler for the dog does not show up and spend the time with the frightened scared puppy who now is a full grown dog, I could not fault the dog for not improving.

It is the greatest gift I can give to myself, and by extension, towards all I care for and love. As I continue to heal and grow, so will I give back to all those I care for and love in this world. My recovery is my gift to the world around me, but it is solely taken on as the most difficult thing I've ever done as I wish to feel free again, unburdened by the past as much as I may, and stronger and healthier than ever before. This is my hero's journey in real life.

This is really hard for me to hear, especially at the moment. I had another dream (other than the one I mentioned in this thread), about me as an ugly black dog, at night by a railway embankment and trees. I was wild and 'Recovery' was seeking to win me over, holding out meat for me. I was hungary and barking and growling. I woke up extemely conscious of my woundedness and defensiveness. I never liked dogs. I can't stand them licking or barking and I was bitten twice as a kid, so seeing myself in this way in the dream was not comfortable. That was years ago. My 10 yr old son recently, even though he knew how much I do not want a dog, fed a stray that eventually came back to the house. It looked pitiful and on death's door. I thought it wouldn't last a few days. So . . . The moment it came through the gate it lost all humility and has been a total pain, growling at us and going mad for food. I do not like how this hound of hell has reminded me of my dream and my inner state. i really don't want to love the dog. I want to kill it. Probably could (it seems too damaged to save) if it wasn't for my children.

I much prefer the other dream about a beautiful creature (me!) hidden in the shaddows.

But the dream does help me know how long this trust building is going to take.

A very sobering message Lothar. Thanks.

 

[Lothar]

This is really hard for me to hear, especially at the moment. I had another dream (other than the one I mentioned in this thread), about me as an ugly black dog, at night by a railway embankment and trees. I was wild and 'Recovery' was seeking to win me over, holding out meat for me. I was hungary and barking and growling. I woke up extemely conscious of my woundedness and defensiveness. I never liked dogs. I can't stand them licking or barking and I was bitten twice as a kid, so seeing myself in this way in the dream was not comfortable. That was years ago. My 10 yr old son recently, even though he knew how much I do not want a dog, fed a stray that eventually came back to the house. It looked pitiful and on death's door. I thought it wouldn't last a few days. So . . . The moment it came through the gate it lost all humility and has been a total pain, growling at us and going mad for food. I do not like how this hound of hell has reminded me of my dream and my inner state. i really don't want to love the dog. I want to kill it. Probably could (it seems too damaged to save) if it wasn't for my children.

I much prefer the other dream about a beautiful creature (me!) hidden in the shaddows.

But the dream does help me know how long this trust building is going to take.

A very sobering message Lothar. Thanks.

I heard this and have carried it within me for a while.

We are only able to heal as in as far as we've healed. I can see how my tripe may have activated much, know that it was never the intention behind the words I did write, poorly written as they were.

 

[MO-Survivor]

But I just felt if i did not do that i felt I would be leaving something, a part of me. I did all that and last week I broke as I then looked at the things i shipped back to myself in particular this book of my entire school years. I went though every section, report cards, little art pieces my own desired like what i wanted to be when i grew up. It hurt.

Wow. This was huge, actually. I have found our younger selves need to know a few things before they will come to us. They have to know we will see and hear them. They have to know we care. And… they have to know we will be able to protect them.

You going back there and revisiting the past showed your younger selves that you see the, you care, and you are willing to be brave enough to do what you need to do to protect them. It is no surprise, then, that they finally came forward.

Believing that he is there is more than I had for a long time. That is important I think, acknowledging him. Like i had shared it just happened was out of now where. Not anything i was thinking about with all the emotions going on during that session. It is hard to describe the feeling. Just keep the door open for him.

Yep. Exactly.

 

[wolfbane]

These past two weeks has been the most impactful I have ever experienced but it is good. I have these three little guys, each in there different ages and different experiences. The youngest though is special and we all sense it.

That's awesome.

 

[smc1972]

The magic of recovery is not an overnight phenomenon. It takes time, a lot of hard work and certainly, it will cause distress, perhaps invoke anger, rage, sorrow, sadness, fear, etc. The protector parts fight back, they balk at the effort as their sole jump is to protect the hurt wounded exiled inner child.

Very accurate statement. Diffidently not an overnight thing and is hard and provokes a lot of emotions and distress. The lead up prior to my trip back to the childhood home caused me a lot of stress and emotions as some here know.

I am not sure how I would cope if I did not go. The internal pull was very strong to the point I cried about. Like I had written inside of me I felt I was leaving part of me behind if I did not go and in particular go to my old bedroom and go into my closest. The closet is what I had to get to which makes sense because that is where i would sit as a kid in the dark. I guess he was there. Maybe in the boxes i removed from the closet that had the pictures and childhood items in it. I think it feel he is special because he is so young an innocent.

you need to do to protect them.

I needed to rescue him and yes give him and the other two the protection they needed.

I much prefer the other dream about a beautiful creature (me!) hidden in the shaddows.

We were all beautiful, innocent children. I like you view on this dream, beautiful creature and hidden in the shadows. Like me sitting in the closet in the dark.

That's awesome.

Thank you.

I appreciate all the comments they are what helps me keep going.

 

[Steve E.]

It takes a lot of guts to do this work but it is worth it because it’s the only way we grow. I made a vow to myself years ago that my main goal in dealing with all the hurt and shame I felt was to be honest with myself no matter how painful it was going to be. So yeah, it does hurt, but in a way you can look at it as good hurt and be proud of yourself because you are taking back control of your life. As we succeed, we finally defeat our abusers.

 

[smc1972]

but in a way you can look at it as good hurt and be proud of yourself because you are taking back control of your life

That is a very kind comment, “taking back control of your life”. It is about taking back my life and healing. I have never thought of myself first.
I did not communicate to anyone to tell my mother happy mother’s day or sent her anything. I do love her deep down but I just could not bring myself and I hated myself for that. I shared that Tuesday with my T and she went though things of my past and told me it was ok and I did nothing wrong. My mind was telling me to do what is best for “me” and while it may hurt it is ok I have to put my mental needs first.

I am literally having to learn at 53yo how to live for me and care about me. I have always felt that is a selfish thing but it is not.

 

[Steve E.]

I am literally having to learn at 53yo how to live for me and care about me. I have always felt that is a selfish thing but it is not.

I think taking care of ourselves first is something everyone has to learn to do. It is completely normal and serves as the basis for all healthy relationships with others. Those of us who experienced CSA were explicitly taught by our abusers that we don’t deserve to do this, so it can feel pretty strange to do at first. But it is not being selfish or unkind to anyone. In fact, I think it actually frees us up to be able to be more loving to ourselves and to others.

 

[smc1972]

But it is not being selfish or unkind to anyone. In fact, I think it actually frees us up to be able to be more loving to ourselves and to others.

This is an area I am working on and learning. I have always giving be it sex, money or my happinesses. It is sad that as you stated, victims of CSA were taught or trained our role was to do as we are told, our feelings did not matter and we became kids who wanted to please those who were abusing us.

 

[WG]

It took a very long time in therapy for me to be able to process all that had been done to me. After a time, I was able to do just what you are discussing here. At a place in my young life I could see Younger Me standing on a driveway, alone, not far from my Dad's '53 Chevrolet pickup. The motor was still running. He had just driven in the driveway with me in the cab. We had been out to see his folks and I honestly forget what infraction I had done but he hit me and smacked me on the way home. As I stood on the driveway shaking and crying and feeling everywhere he had hit me, my T had me, as an adult, walk to him, kneel down looking Younger Me in the eye and tell him he's a good boy, that he doesn't deserve to be hit and that as he stands there he is looking at himself as me, the Older me.........I survived because he was strong in his own way. I'm here because he kept going no matter what.
Just like you.

 

[smc1972]

forget what infraction I had done but he hit me and smacked me on the way home. As I stood on the driveway shaking and crying and feeling everywhere he had hit me

So sorry to hear that. I know we will never know what made these people other than there narcissistic and want control over kids.

My T had told me to do a similar thing in that kneel down to be face to face.

I think one reason why this little came when he did stems from the trip to my childhood. Then follow that a week later and look through some of my childhood school stuff and some school photos. I had a fear inside of me if I did not go back to get the stuff and be in my room I was leaving something behind. A part of me and I know now this was the part of me I feared leaving.

I survived because he was strong in his own way. I'm here because he kept going no matter what.

He was strong just as you are strong now.

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

Damn brother. This was a deep message amd I feel you. The inner child stuff is painful. There is a deeply wounded part of my inner child that is difficult to explore to say the least. Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you. Wish you the best. Peace and love.