If my brother asked
What I want to say to my brother if he were to ever ask why I am distant for the family.
Do you even recall me as a child? You may have seen a “normal” boy that was happy but think about it. Did I have friends my age? Did I have friends from school that ever came to play with me or stay the night? Did i ever get invited to other kids homes? Did I ever got to sleep overs. How many of my friends from my childhood can you name? I can name a dozen of yours from high school name one of mine? The one friend i had from high school stopped taking to me after i came out to him.
How could I have friends, I was the introverted kid, afraid of being away from home from mom. How could I have others stay over or me stay with them as a bedwetter? I went to one sleep over in my life as a kid. To think a kid who was truly terrified being away from home from his mother, wet the bed, odd kid and no adult even mom and dad asked if i was ok or what was wrong. I had you, Jason and Scott as friends but everything changed as everyone grew up.
I feared a lot of things. I did not want to be seen as i got older and not have any attention on me. As i got older it just worsened for me yet no one noticed. My grades started to go to D’s in the 6th grade. I went to the nurses office a lot feeling sick just to be alone. I should not have passed 7th grade as I just got worse. Told you how I missed so much school in 7th grade, i would wake up vomiting in the middle of the night to have mom come to bathroom as i was vomiting then clean me up and put me back to bed. You would have already gone to school before me and with sports home after me so you would not have known i was home from school. Yet no one asked me why, what was wrong, not mom, the school anyone. What was wrong is I was depressed. 12yo and very depressed as things were happening. The beginning of my life of depression. But had to put on a good face not bother others. Be unseen by others, blend in to the walls at school.
I remember in high school parking at the moms office and walking across the track one morning and you getting mad at me and telling me to “stand up straight stop slouching”. I was defeated in life already at that point and it in a way just made me feel I was just not good at anything. I did not fit in anywhere, the goal was to be invisible but even more so than in middle school. But you were the normal one, in sport, lots of friends, confident and smart. I was nothing, grades sucked, could not do PE or any actual sports for a reason.
Shame, guilt, believe I was not smart enough, introverted, put on the appearance as I am ok but just keep people at a distance to never get to close. To not be invited into things but also not to distant to where I am a total odd loner kid.
As I told you a couple years ago, mom asked me when i was 16 maybe 17 i can remember in part I do not have a lot of memories of childhood. Bits and pieces but not much. She asked me if Papa ever touched me. You said he never did anything to you. That was it not why did she ask me that. At the time she asked I just got mad and walked away. Two years ago when I asked her why she asked that she told me. She asked me again if he had and i told her yes. Her response was “I knew it and I am sorry”. She apologized for it but then said how she had a lot going on with Dad then and stuff. I did not say anything. A few months later I asked her when she knew he was she told me “when I was little”. He was not the only one there were other one time things a couple times. Later in life i wondered what was wrong with me what did i do. I must have done something.
What happened when i was child took everything more than most can imagine. It continued all my life so many things all my life. I have lived two lives all my life. The one for everyone to see the one that seems ok good career and such. Do not disappoint others put on the happy face. But the other is the one that was real but I kept inside since I was a kid to this day. I have carried a ton of shame pretty much all my life. For a kid to my 50’.s. Shame that was never mind but was put on me. I realize that there is no way adults did not see signs. I mean just school alone. A kids grades go to D’s and F’s. Misses more schools days than a kid should but all along just passed off to the next grade. The other signs also but nothing. Mom would ask me in my teens if i was ok, what is wrong as i withdrew when at home. I stayed in my room in bed a lot of time. You were gone by then I tried to escape to the Air Force which was another failure on my part. By then being gay came int o the play. The childhood stuff that was buried at that point at least what happened but not the hate i had towards myself for being this failure inside.
So yeah I have pulled away for everyone. I was left as a child to deal with things myself in my child mind. There are other things not just the sexual abuse but mental stuff that may seem trivial to some even you maybe. But to me as a kid even as an adult it messed up my mind. A kid should not ask God to take their life. An adult should not ask that same question. For 40 years I have.
I am starting to find my way through things with lots of therapy but I will never get my life back fully, never my childhood even my early adulthood. There is a lot I would like to say but this is not the time. I am not upset at you at all just to be clear. You were a child as I was.
Do you even recall me as a child? You may have seen a “normal” boy that was happy but think about it. Did I have friends my age? Did I have friends from school that ever came to play with me or stay the night? Did i ever get invited to other kids homes? Did I ever got to sleep overs. How many of my friends from my childhood can you name? I can name a dozen of yours from high school name one of mine? The one friend i had from high school stopped taking to me after i came out to him.
How could I have friends, I was the introverted kid, afraid of being away from home from mom. How could I have others stay over or me stay with them as a bedwetter? I went to one sleep over in my life as a kid. To think a kid who was truly terrified being away from home from his mother, wet the bed, odd kid and no adult even mom and dad asked if i was ok or what was wrong. I had you, Jason and Scott as friends but everything changed as everyone grew up.
I feared a lot of things. I did not want to be seen as i got older and not have any attention on me. As i got older it just worsened for me yet no one noticed. My grades started to go to D’s in the 6th grade. I went to the nurses office a lot feeling sick just to be alone. I should not have passed 7th grade as I just got worse. Told you how I missed so much school in 7th grade, i would wake up vomiting in the middle of the night to have mom come to bathroom as i was vomiting then clean me up and put me back to bed. You would have already gone to school before me and with sports home after me so you would not have known i was home from school. Yet no one asked me why, what was wrong, not mom, the school anyone. What was wrong is I was depressed. 12yo and very depressed as things were happening. The beginning of my life of depression. But had to put on a good face not bother others. Be unseen by others, blend in to the walls at school.
I remember in high school parking at the moms office and walking across the track one morning and you getting mad at me and telling me to “stand up straight stop slouching”. I was defeated in life already at that point and it in a way just made me feel I was just not good at anything. I did not fit in anywhere, the goal was to be invisible but even more so than in middle school. But you were the normal one, in sport, lots of friends, confident and smart. I was nothing, grades sucked, could not do PE or any actual sports for a reason.
Shame, guilt, believe I was not smart enough, introverted, put on the appearance as I am ok but just keep people at a distance to never get to close. To not be invited into things but also not to distant to where I am a total odd loner kid.
As I told you a couple years ago, mom asked me when i was 16 maybe 17 i can remember in part I do not have a lot of memories of childhood. Bits and pieces but not much. She asked me if Papa ever touched me. You said he never did anything to you. That was it not why did she ask me that. At the time she asked I just got mad and walked away. Two years ago when I asked her why she asked that she told me. She asked me again if he had and i told her yes. Her response was “I knew it and I am sorry”. She apologized for it but then said how she had a lot going on with Dad then and stuff. I did not say anything. A few months later I asked her when she knew he was she told me “when I was little”. He was not the only one there were other one time things a couple times. Later in life i wondered what was wrong with me what did i do. I must have done something.
What happened when i was child took everything more than most can imagine. It continued all my life so many things all my life. I have lived two lives all my life. The one for everyone to see the one that seems ok good career and such. Do not disappoint others put on the happy face. But the other is the one that was real but I kept inside since I was a kid to this day. I have carried a ton of shame pretty much all my life. For a kid to my 50’.s. Shame that was never mind but was put on me. I realize that there is no way adults did not see signs. I mean just school alone. A kids grades go to D’s and F’s. Misses more schools days than a kid should but all along just passed off to the next grade. The other signs also but nothing. Mom would ask me in my teens if i was ok, what is wrong as i withdrew when at home. I stayed in my room in bed a lot of time. You were gone by then I tried to escape to the Air Force which was another failure on my part. By then being gay came int o the play. The childhood stuff that was buried at that point at least what happened but not the hate i had towards myself for being this failure inside.
So yeah I have pulled away for everyone. I was left as a child to deal with things myself in my child mind. There are other things not just the sexual abuse but mental stuff that may seem trivial to some even you maybe. But to me as a kid even as an adult it messed up my mind. A kid should not ask God to take their life. An adult should not ask that same question. For 40 years I have.
I am starting to find my way through things with lots of therapy but I will never get my life back fully, never my childhood even my early adulthood. There is a lot I would like to say but this is not the time. I am not upset at you at all just to be clear. You were a child as I was.
