I hate having a dick

[840mousebird]

I hate that I can't hide when I'm aroused. That is used to be the cause of extra punishment.

I am struggling. I find myself so horny I want to go back to moms (adopted) be subjected to her again. I hate her and I miss her.

Being treated worse than the dogs became my life and I was okay with it. How can I be normal when I have days like today. I made myself go without pants and underwear today to feel that vulnerability. I'm sick.

Imagine getting your dick and balls licked by one of moms dogs having to keep it sticking out, no hiding it. While getting slapped in the face or belted on your ass.

The confusion of something that feels good and doesn't. Damnit. I should go back

 

[BlurryFace]

you dick is not the problem it is your mind and i am so sorry your mom fucked your mind up like that. I hope you are getting help to heal. you deserve better and not to go back.

 

[This is me]

Indeed, you do deserve better, please don't beat yourself up about it, remember, all of this is not your fault.

 

[Strangeways]

It's horrible to have been abused so badly that you hate and reject part of yourself, which, after all, is just a normal part of you, like your arms and legs. I understand completely, having been through that myself. But the shame is really not yours to carry, you are blameless - it belongs completely to your mother for being a revolting, abusive person.

 

[GaD3!]

Your adopted mother was a very sick, cruel, evil person. As long as one's penis is functioning as it was designed to do it will become erect when arousal happens. You know that, we all know that.

You were conditioned by the cruel abuse that you had to endure. I hate to say this, but I suspect that the stimulation of a dog licking your genitals may have been physically pleasing. I am not saying you wanted it or liked it, but if one completely ignores everything else that was taking place and just focuses on your penis and the sensations it experienced, what is that other than sexual stimulation? The brain can remember just that single aspect of what took place- the sexual stimulation. It completely messes with one's mind. That is how many of can recall our abuse and we become aroused. It is how many survivors will remember their abuse and that remembrance can become a masturbation fantasy. Sorry to be so blunt, but we are all men here and survivors. It does not mean that you or any of us enjoyed the abuse or wanted it. It just means that our bodies responded to the stimulation to our penises. Even in horrible abuse situations such as you, myself and so many others here experienced when we were being stimulated our penises responded. It is documented that in times of great stress or fear males often get erections, that is how men can climax in a rape situation.

When I talked to the T about this issue- arousal etc. when memories of my abuse came to mind. He told me the brain just sees it all as sex, not good sex or bad just sex. It took me a long time to understand and or accept that.

I was trained/conditioned. My clothes were always removed, and I instantly became erect- the mind/body anticipated the stimulation that would soon follow. I had to do whatever they told me to do- or else. While doing that, most of the time I was being either sucked or fondled- a major mind fuck. A very different situation than what you experienced, but there are similarities.

You don't mention therapy. Excuse my language, but this shit will not get any better without help. You need to get into therapy with someone trained and experienced in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma. I worked with a T for 17 years out of necessity. These types of wounds are so severe it takes a lot of work to get in a better place mentally, but it is possible. That I am alive today and typing is proof.

You are not a sick or bad person because of what you are experiencing as I said, you were conditioned. Any shame or guilt you have does not belong to you, it all belongs to that evil woman who abused you. You do need to get help though, you have a right to be free, and have some peace in your life. Take care and there is hope.

 

[Curiouspaints]

The confusion of something that feels good and doesn't. Damnit. I should go back

Dogs have always protected me the last thing I see them as is something in a sexual context yesterday the dog stayed with me as the memories came in

Your not alone
I used to get made fun of for having a dick and being circumcised quiet brutally

You'll try to care
Once in a while for me
And I will be there

When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there?
Do you wish it was me?
With the windows clear and the mannequin's eyes
Do they all look like mine?

 

[Butch21]

You are not alone and as others have said it’s not your fault you find an arousal from the abuse. I had a very similar situation except it wasn’t my mother it was an older girl in my neighborhood that abused me and involved her dogs. It was traumatic and embarrassing at the time and I was ashamed that I got aroused but it did feel good. I’m still embarrassed to this day saying that but I didn’t voluntarily do it.

You shouldn’t feel bad for what you were made to do or how you reacted to it. None of it was by your choice. If you wanna talk, I’ll listen, no judgment just one survivor to another.

 

[little_boy_lost]

I'm sorry for what you went through. I get triggered whenever someone complements my body, especially my penis. My mother would always comment sexually on my body. "I know its big, I've seen it", "I bet he (me) could take care of you", "You'll make the ladies happy someday". My mother never touched me or did anything sexual with me. It was just the things she said.

 

[WanderingSpaceTurtle]

The anxiety around having a penis is a symptom of the greater turmoil inside. I've been there, nearly harmed myself out of rage toward the abusers.

You're not sick, at least in the self-hating judgmental type. Is there a sickness? Yes. It's called trauma at the hands of your mother who treated you without love. She abused trust, sexuality, and even the dogs in order to do whatever she wanted to do. You are not your damage, and you are not sitting in judgment.

It's common to feel a need to return to familiar things, even if they're horrible and we hate them. It's why I stuck around my parents so long - fed by lies that I had to be a "good son" and dote on them, or take their abuse. Even after my dad passed, I stuck around as a "good son" for my abusive "mom." It's the normalization of, and habituation to the abuse that are so detrimental after the abuse has stopped. The victim is essentially trained to carry on the abuse. I lived it, too.

My parents used to beat me, so when I would be angry, I'd beat myself too. Gave myself black eyes, broke my hands by hitting myself so hard in the legs. I wanted to die and beatings hurt pretty bad so I would sort of pretend. This was a habit for years, well into adulthood. I was sick...and well trained to continue the self loathing abuse my parents had themselves been so masterful at performing as well as teaching.

I appreciate your coming forward about this, and the vulnerability it brings. It also brings healing. No judgment from me. I am angry *FOR* you, because you were treated horribly, and did not deserve that. I don't judge if you still have tendencies - trauma recovery is a lifelong process. There is no permanent "fix" so much as improving skills at self regulation and handling the stresses/triggers.

With that in mind I ask what triggered you so recently to want that again, and then to level such judgment against yourself?

NO judgment. We aren't chasing perfection - we're trying to move forward in as healthy a way as possible (how I see it, anyway). There will be times we stumble back to old ways - habits die hard, doubly so for trauma-induced ones. I hope you do well, and are able to find a way to peace.

 

[Visitor]

Reading posts on this website we learn the remarkable horror of what human beings can do to one another. That we struggle as trauma survivors to come to terms with what we experienced as boys is not surprising. We come away profoundly confused and on some level broken. How can we possibly feel good about ourselves or confident in meeting the world? I spent my life marinated in shame for feelings and behaviors that were all rooted in trauma i experienced from birth to age 7 and a half. And my trauma is nowhere near as extreme as what I read about here.

Yes, we get to tell the truth here. That is important. We discover we are not alone in our shame, our fear, our anger, our confusion. Perhaps from listening to other men we can begin to have compassion for ourselves. As we're able to do that we begin to learn how to care for ourselves... how to find a healthier life in which we actually feel worthy. We are, in fact, all worthy. We just don't recognize that simple fact. We were innocent and our innocence was used against us by damaged people. The shame belongs to them... not to us.

Be exquisitely gentle with yourselves my friends. Together we get better... but it is hard work.