Acting Out My Timeline of Life Events
30yearsalone
Registrant
[edited] to add some more stuff I've left out inadvertedly.
I am sorry for the long post, but I have been writing my personal Timeline of events and abuse to help me come to terms, and I need help making sense of all this mess.
I cannot move past the guilt, Shame and self-loathing of some of my actions.
I am a very shy person, too self-conscious. I never fully undressed in front of anyone but my wife and for medical reasons. Even when on vacation I only undressed the shirt in front of 4/5 ppl I really trust within my family.
I try to never publicly expose myself, which is a great constraint in my personal and work life (I have a profession that requires me to have some public exposure).
I have no friends from the younger part of my life, as all of those persons remind me of the abuse and the bullying I suffered.
Personal Timeline – Trauma & Life Events
Early Childhood (0–5 years old)
Parents divorced when I was around 1 year old. No memories of anything with my father. My paternal grandfather died around this time.
Raised primarily by my maternal grandparents.
My mother often left me in their care, including for vacations. I remember sleeping on the ground next to her to make sure she wouls not be goje wheb I woke up. Had recurrent nightmares or her being kidnapped/escaping with Superman...
Even after my mother had her own house, i rarely slept there because she bought a 1-bedroom house and i was left out.
Childhood (6–12 years old)
Minimal contact with my father — I saw him about once a week, often while he was intoxicated. Sometimes I did not want to go with him, i dunno why...
My father struggled with alcoholism and gambling.
Adolescence to Young Adulthood (13–28 years old)
I experienced childhood sexual abuse from 2 boys, one older than me, which happened 3/4 times... He wanted to see me masturbate and forced me to it. I later hit him with the metal studs of football cleats in his forehead. I was punished for this, because no one understood why I did it, I was too ashamed to tell..
The second round of abuse, happened during a whole summer at my "best friend" house/room. He had a computer, which is something not so common in the Early 1990s, and the tradeoff for me to play, was giving him oral and masturbate.
To this day i can still hear him moan and the foul smell as sometimes he die not wash properly. I face problems with smell constantly and some noises similar to that moan really trigger me.
I completely cut off wifh him after summer, and no one asked why. I spent all my summer with him since a very early age, as he was a horse lover and had some horse in a farm where we went seldom. My Mother never asked me why I parted ways with someone so important in my early ages.
During this period, I engaged in behaviors with another friend, younger, that you now recognize as wrong and a re-enactment of my first abuse
At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the nature or consequences of my actions. I now see these behaviors as likely linked to trauma responses, emotional confusion, and survival patterns shaped by abuse and neglect.
I am working on understanding these actions with honesty and accountability, without being defined by them.
In high-school years I was constantly bullied because of being overweight and having gynecomastia. I never undressede in the locker room and some boys always attempted to undress me, one time they tried to drag me to the shower.
Age 18-28
My maternal grandfather, who raised me, died when i was 18 after a long battle with kidney failure.
My stepfather, died from câncer when I was 22 and he also had drinking issues.
My father died unexpectedly when I was 24. I never spent a night at his house during his lifetime.
His death brought up unresolved feelings of grief, abandonment, and disconnection.
This lead to another period of uncotrolled behaviors which included excessive amount of porn, chatting online with other girls/women
Adulthood (29 years old until present day - 43)
I am now in a committed relationship (married). All these behaviors have gradually stopped as I felt more and more secure with my wife, until I eventually shared my CSA with her last year.
Nonetheless, i can't stop experiencing shame, guilt, and fear about my past, especially the possibility of it resurfacing with my wife.
I am actively working to heal, understand my past, and take responsibility in a compassionate, growth-oriented way.
Deep abandonment and betrayal wounds persist, rooted in both parental relationships and my early emotional landscape.
I feel I do not deserve compassion, understanding and love and that my wife should not carry the burden of my failings...
I am sorry for the long post, but I have been writing my personal Timeline of events and abuse to help me come to terms, and I need help making sense of all this mess.
I cannot move past the guilt, Shame and self-loathing of some of my actions.
I am a very shy person, too self-conscious. I never fully undressed in front of anyone but my wife and for medical reasons. Even when on vacation I only undressed the shirt in front of 4/5 ppl I really trust within my family.
I try to never publicly expose myself, which is a great constraint in my personal and work life (I have a profession that requires me to have some public exposure).
I have no friends from the younger part of my life, as all of those persons remind me of the abuse and the bullying I suffered.
Personal Timeline – Trauma & Life Events
Early Childhood (0–5 years old)
Parents divorced when I was around 1 year old. No memories of anything with my father. My paternal grandfather died around this time.
Raised primarily by my maternal grandparents.
My mother often left me in their care, including for vacations. I remember sleeping on the ground next to her to make sure she wouls not be goje wheb I woke up. Had recurrent nightmares or her being kidnapped/escaping with Superman...
Even after my mother had her own house, i rarely slept there because she bought a 1-bedroom house and i was left out.
Childhood (6–12 years old)
Minimal contact with my father — I saw him about once a week, often while he was intoxicated. Sometimes I did not want to go with him, i dunno why...
My father struggled with alcoholism and gambling.
Adolescence to Young Adulthood (13–28 years old)
I experienced childhood sexual abuse from 2 boys, one older than me, which happened 3/4 times... He wanted to see me masturbate and forced me to it. I later hit him with the metal studs of football cleats in his forehead. I was punished for this, because no one understood why I did it, I was too ashamed to tell..
The second round of abuse, happened during a whole summer at my "best friend" house/room. He had a computer, which is something not so common in the Early 1990s, and the tradeoff for me to play, was giving him oral and masturbate.
To this day i can still hear him moan and the foul smell as sometimes he die not wash properly. I face problems with smell constantly and some noises similar to that moan really trigger me.
I completely cut off wifh him after summer, and no one asked why. I spent all my summer with him since a very early age, as he was a horse lover and had some horse in a farm where we went seldom. My Mother never asked me why I parted ways with someone so important in my early ages.
During this period, I engaged in behaviors with another friend, younger, that you now recognize as wrong and a re-enactment of my first abuse
At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the nature or consequences of my actions. I now see these behaviors as likely linked to trauma responses, emotional confusion, and survival patterns shaped by abuse and neglect.
I am working on understanding these actions with honesty and accountability, without being defined by them.
In high-school years I was constantly bullied because of being overweight and having gynecomastia. I never undressede in the locker room and some boys always attempted to undress me, one time they tried to drag me to the shower.
Age 18-28
My maternal grandfather, who raised me, died when i was 18 after a long battle with kidney failure.
My stepfather, died from câncer when I was 22 and he also had drinking issues.
My father died unexpectedly when I was 24. I never spent a night at his house during his lifetime.
His death brought up unresolved feelings of grief, abandonment, and disconnection.
This lead to another period of uncotrolled behaviors which included excessive amount of porn, chatting online with other girls/women
Adulthood (29 years old until present day - 43)
I am now in a committed relationship (married). All these behaviors have gradually stopped as I felt more and more secure with my wife, until I eventually shared my CSA with her last year.
Nonetheless, i can't stop experiencing shame, guilt, and fear about my past, especially the possibility of it resurfacing with my wife.
I am actively working to heal, understand my past, and take responsibility in a compassionate, growth-oriented way.
Deep abandonment and betrayal wounds persist, rooted in both parental relationships and my early emotional landscape.
I feel I do not deserve compassion, understanding and love and that my wife should not carry the burden of my failings...
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