Honour your father and your mother.

[smc1972]

This is a difficult subject for me. I was emershied in my mother’s life from all areas. The sexual abuse was just another added layer of conflict and damage for me. Someone recently was surprised I still had any contact with my family. I do not have near as much as i had before turn mid 40’

As the abuse started to become a bigger and bigger struggle i pulled away. Ironically in my mind i was pulling away to protect them from this fucked up i believed i was. Always worried about them and others but never myself.

I think because families can be so close in a normal way and we may see that with others. Or we see it on tv that we convince ourself it is what we have. Then as you get older the reality becomes more and more visible.

My father’s is deceased but never physically or sexually abused me but he did i emotional ways. My mother who sexually abused me my entire childhood in to the teens had me so in love with her. Like I would have done anything for her. I always wanted her to feel happy. My happiness if you call it that was doing things that made her and others happy. That is hard to undo. I have in the recent years limited physical and electronic communication with them or so but i cant just got and sever al ties. I feel I will be a horrible son, brother or nephew if i did even giving my childhood. But I am pulling further and further away and have no intentions of going home anytime soon. I think they know that as not one person has asked if i was going to come home for Christmas.

I can not communicate with my mother due to her stroke. That is a tough one on me as there is a part of me that wants to ask questions. But in reality the questions do not matter as there is no answer that would change anything. There is no answer for anyone who was moseyed and abused that the abuser or the ones who knew or probably knew can say to change things. Can’t take away the pain, cant undo he the damage it has caused and the impact made on our lives. Anger at what the did and that damage, yeah it is there but still hard to just cut all ties.

Parental abuse is to me so much ore complicated mentally. It is not something a child’s mind can understand and even when they realize it is not good there is such confusion.

 

[GaD3!]

It is difficult to cut all ties, deep down inside the desire for connection and a close loving family is there. We all wanted that, and when one is younger it is easier to not see the reality of the family situation. I could not really see or acknowledge the disfunction of my family until I was around age 40 and was raising my own children. I often look back and think what were they thinking or were they thinking? If I think about it I can get very angry. At least I knew how NOT to raise children from what I experienced.
I never cut ties although as an adult I didn't put with any crap either. The hell with that nonsense! They learned that I was no longer that child and was a force to be reckoned with.

You have tried to keep communication with your family members, unfortunately they have not done the same. That you are keeping your distance without severing all ties is a wise and necessary decision. In the past, their lack of effort to communicate with you has caused you much pain, so why continue, it is like banging your head against a brick wall.

There is never justification for abuse and as you state, there is nothing the abusers or those who were enablers can say to change anything. The damage is done.

Abuse is bad enough parental abuse is much worse. A parent is supposed to love and protect their children-yes I know in a perfect world. I raised 3 on my own and I loved them from the moment of conception so the thought of someone doing such things to their child cuts to the heart. A child is innocent and dependent on their parents, and they are stuck. As you say their minds cannot comprehend it.

 

[GaD3!]

The beatings that went on my my parents home had different effects.

My father told me his younger brother not 10 years old got punched in the face over laughing to loud when they were playing in their room. He said this one stuck with him and was why he never laid a finger on us. He taught me about faith and has showed me unconditional love. I forgive him for not being there protect me because he asked for it and he fell victim to the same evil in his own way. We have a decent relationship, after I remembered what she did he would stay on the phone with me for hours into the night to help me fall asleep like he did in my childhood with my nightmares.

My mother the youngest of three told me that it was always the second born who was stuck no matter who was in the wrong. She was "in charge of raising the kids" so my dad never stepped in to stop a spanking or soap in the mouth but unfortunately it got worse when there was no one to witness her.
The beating that haunts me happened when I was about 8. I had done and said things a child shouldn't have know about around the neighbor boys so their mother told mine. She kicked me until I thought would die and when I screamed for help she laughed telling me no one was coming. I was mentally broken for decades after that day, I forgot it all for my own safety.
She converted to Catholicism to marry my father, we all went to mass until I was 15. I don't know if it was a complete act for her but the deepest confession of faith I heard from her was "I believe in something...".
I like to think I have forgiven her, rationally I know she is a mentally disturbed person who treats everyone as a tool for her own desires. I pity her wretched existence and hope she asks for gods forgiveness if not mine.
I find anger and desire for justice returns with the memories. Sorrow and envy when I see what a mothers love really looks like.
I hope to understand the nature of forgiveness more so I may find peace.

I'm not afraid to tell my siblings anymore when I have the opportunity, I need to overcome my tendency to isolate and procrastinate in order to make one.
I appreciate the discussion on this topic, thank you for being here.

It is very sad that your father did not protect you. I know many men do not, but just allow the mother to do as she pleases. It is hard no to be angry when the memories return, and it is justified. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what took place, how could you? What you describe is cruel and sadistic, no excuse for such behavior. I truly hope you find peace. Take care,