New here. Here’s my story.

[Raiden726]

I’m not sure where to begin. I’m 33yo and I’m a survivor of sexual abuse by someone who I thought was my brother.
This would be my first time ever seeking some kind of help or even really opening up about my trauma. Aside from my wife and a couple of family members I have never told or opened up about what happened not even to my parents.
I like to think that I’m healed but there’s still pain. There are triggers. Things that my children say that I wouldn’t think would but they trigger me. One day my kid asked me if I could be a kid again would I do it. And that simple question, with no warning, brought back memories and had me weeping crying so hard i had to remove myself.
I think what hurts me the most is that I don’t think I can ever bring myself to ever telling my parents. When I was in HS he was deported.I haven’t spoken to my brother in 15years my mother cries to me wondering why we don’t speak and she blames herself wondering where she went wrong yet I can’t bring myself to tell her because I know it would literally kill her. Is that selfish of me?

I’m not sure where to go from here. But as I finish typing all this up I feel a weight off my chest so I know I’m in the right place.

 

[Curiouspaints]

I’m not sure where to begin. I’m 33yo and I’m a survivor of sexual abuse by someone who I thought was my brother.
This would be my first time ever seeking some kind of help or even really opening up about my trauma. Aside from my wife and a couple of family members I have never told or opened up about what happened not even to my parents.
I like to think that I’m healed but there’s still pain. There are triggers. Things that my children say that I wouldn’t think would but they trigger me. One day my kid asked me if I could be a kid again would I do it. And that simple question, with no warning, brought back memories and had me weeping crying so hard i had to remove myself.
I think what hurts me the most is that I don’t think I can ever bring myself to ever telling my parents. When I was in HS he was deported.I haven’t spoken to my brother in 15years my mother cries to me wondering why we don’t speak and she blames herself wondering where she went wrong yet I can’t bring myself to tell her because I know it would literally kill her. Is that selfish of me?

I’m not sure where to go from here. But as I finish typing all this up I feel a weight off my chest so I know I’m in the right place.

Hey @Raiden726 First off sorry you had to go through what you went through you where heard. Your not alone in this.
Im here and many others with you along the way.

 

[LRD]

@Raiden726, your bravery has allowed you to take your first steps. It’s often the most difficult taking those first steps. I’m sorry for what you went through, but there is a lot of
understanding on this site. We are in this together. Please look around and read the stories. Just having someone listen to know you’re not alone will help your journey. Wishing you the best!

 

[LittleSteve]

Like the other guy said I’m sorry you’re here but welcome. We all got here by different routes. I’m glad you’re here. This is a safe place. Share only what you want when you want and when you’re ready I’m here to listen.

 

[Georgie]

I’m not sure where to begin. I’m 33yo and I’m a survivor of sexual abuse by someone who I thought was my brother.
This would be my first time ever seeking some kind of help or even really opening up about my trauma. Aside from my wife and a couple of family members I have never told or opened up about what happened not even to my parents.
I like to think that I’m healed but there’s still pain. There are triggers. Things that my children say that I wouldn’t think would but they trigger me. One day my kid asked me if I could be a kid again would I do it. And that simple question, with no warning, brought back memories and had me weeping crying so hard i had to remove myself.
I think what hurts me the most is that I don’t think I can ever bring myself to ever telling my parents. When I was in HS he was deported.I haven’t spoken to my brother in 15years my mother cries to me wondering why we don’t speak and she blames herself wondering where she went wrong yet I can’t bring myself to tell her because I know it would literally kill her. Is that selfish of me?

I’m not sure where to go from here. But as I finish typing all this up I feel a weight off my chest so I know I’m in the right place.

Telling your parents would be a good thing. This will lift a burden from you and your mother already is in pain from wondering why you don't speak to your brother. Answering her may surprise her but will be lifting a burden from her. You are the one suffering from the silence.

 

[the-part-that-stayed]

I don't know what the answer is, but I also have a strong urge to tell my parents but fear it would kill my mother. She's not terminally ill, just elderly and survived several health issues that could have killed her. I also worry about her perception of the afterlife if she learns about what her father did to me. I'm so sorry for what you e been through. It's not fair and it's not right. I truly hope you continue seeking a path to healing because in seeking is where we find recovery I think.

 

[dcwofhs90]

Welcome to MS. I'm glad you found us but sorry you have a reason to be here. I can relate to the parents thing; I'm 53, my abuse occurred way back in the 80s, and my parents have no clue that anything happened to me. I will never tell my parents because 1) what's the point now 2) they would blame themselves 3) they'd instantly have an "excuse" for why I'm gay. Your situation is different, of course. Reach out if you want to talk more privately. I wish you well in your healing journey.

 

[LittleSteve]

Totally get that, mine happened when I was age 4 to 7 so of course my parents would absolutely have blamed themselves, my dad passed away quite a few years ago. And my mother has dementia now so the last thing in the world she needs would be to find out something like this. I mean a parents job is to protect their young children and to find out what happened to me would be devastating. I did tell her I’m in therapy for PTSD but not anymore than that and she was very happy for me. She thought that was a good idea, but I didn’t explain what was going on or anything like that so that way in case somebody in the family slips and says something about me being in therapy or having problems it won’t make that big difference to her I guess

 

[dcwofhs90]

I mean a parents job is to protect their young children and to find out what happened to me would be devastating.

My parents worked ridiculous hours, so I was left alone for hours on end. We lived in a very small farming community, and my friends lived miles and miles away from me, so I was horribly lonely. Add in the fact that they weren't loving or affectionate with me...I was an easy target for my abuser to give me the attention, love and affection I so desperately needed. So yeah, my parents would blame themselves if they found out.

 

[LittleSteve]

During that time, my dad was a salesman and we lived in Ohio and his territory was in Nebraska so he would leave Monday morning and come back Friday evening and so he had two days on the weekend and my mom was a young mother with a two year-old as well so me and a two year-old so when the family cozied up to us and their 12-year-old son became my big brother it was natural that I would spend all kinds of time with him. They were like a surrogate family and a lot of ways only they were just evil.

 

[tgslair]

Welcome! Thanks for sharing. You are heard

 

[Raiden726]

Thank you everyone for your support! I’m glad and relieved to finally be around people that truly can relate because we have similar experiences.

 

[Raiden726]

As you guys said. I can’t bring myself to tell my parents because I do fear that it will affect my mother drastically. And what would be the point now. Like you guys said they’ll only blame themselves and I don’t think it would make things better.

 

[GaD3!]

Welcome to MS. It is good that you are here. As you know we are all survivors so we understand. There is much support here. I would highly recommend that you seek out the help of a therapist trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues. It is extremely difficult to heal without therapy. I truly wish you peace and healing. Take care.