Fun with puns

Fun with puns
Pun - ography
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


DEODORANT FOR SENIORS
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely......
 
These are great. Thanks . A couple of my favorites, plus some new ones.

I'd like to add one:
A tiny fortune teller escaped prison: Small medium at large.
 
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine ....


A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage,
She got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre,
You've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
 
I saw a beaver movie last night. It was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

Puppets for sale. No strings attached.

It's not that I don't know how to juggle. I just don't have the balls to do it.
 
dc78c67205edb8bd2c144f3fde3842d0.jpg
 
the bunny said, "[size:20pt]if you give me a[/size] [size:26pt]^[/size][size:20pt] i will love you[/size] [size:26pt]~[/size] [size:20pt]end of time.[/size]"

[spoiler: PUNch line ]the bunny said, "if you give me a (^ caret) i will love you (~ tilde) end of time."[/spoiler]
 
Bacteria = back door to cafeteria

Caesarean section = a neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan = searching for kitty

Terminal illness = getting sick at the airport

Labour pain = getting hurt at work

Nitrates = rates of pay for working at night.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
 
Two cannibals were driving home after a long night out on the town.

First cannibal: Oooh, I feel terrible, my stomach's all messed up.

Second cannibal: Must have been that bar bitch you ate,
 
[img:left]https://i376.photobucket.com/albums/oo208/mmiller459/bad-puns-14_zpsrlvdfztt.jpg[/img]
 
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