Facing What Happened

[WinterGhost]

Hi, everyone. I made an introduction a few months back, then had a major mental health crisis. It's been about a year and a half since I started really facing what happened to me, but even now I feel like I'm only doing it in a half-assed kind of way for lack of a better word. I can say the basics of what happened (e.g. "X did Y to me over a period of time"), but I detach from it. I can't talk in detail about it. The memories have been haunting me worse and worse. I know the checklist here says a big part of recovery is sharing one's story. I can't even face it myself. I've tried writing it and I freeze up because it feels too real. I'm so scared. It feels like if I try to really face it, I'll get trapped in these horrible feelings of terror and despair forever. My mental health has never been worse than it is now but I can't seem to just bury it all again. I'm really genuinely scared. I recently got a new therapist whom I've already opened up to and I think will be very helpful, but I'm still so scared to even say I need to talk about this stuff. I'm afraid I'll break down and never recover. But this is eating me alive.
I'm sure I'm not the only guy here to have felt this way. I was just wondering if anyone had any tips, even if it's just "try to suck it up and talk about it anyway". I just feel very lost and any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

 

[HavingHope2]

Hi, everyone. I made an introduction a few months back, then had a major mental health crisis. It's been about a year and a half since I started really facing what happened to me, but even now I feel like I'm only doing it in a half-assed kind of way for lack of a better word. I can say the basics of what happened (e.g. "X did Y to me over a period of time"), but I detach from it. I can't talk in detail about it. The memories have been haunting me worse and worse. I know the checklist here says a big part of recovery is sharing one's story. I can't even face it myself. I've tried writing it and I freeze up because it feels too real. I'm so scared. It feels like if I try to really face it, I'll get trapped in these horrible feelings of terror and despair forever. My mental health has never been worse than it is now but I can't seem to just bury it all again. I'm really genuinely scared. I recently got a new therapist whom I've already opened up to and I think will be very helpful, but I'm still so scared to even say I need to talk about this stuff. I'm afraid I'll break down and never recover. But this is eating me alive.
I'm sure I'm not the only guy here to have felt this way. I was just wondering if anyone had any tips, even if it's just "try to suck it up and talk about it anyway". I just feel very lost and any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for what you are facing..... If you look around you'll notice that a LOT of the guys here tend to show up when they are in crisis or nearing rock bottom, so the sense of paralysis and fear and uncertainty you are describing is familiar to many.

There is nothing like a requirement to share your story here. It's much more important that you work on it with a therapist - this place kind of boosts that in a group support system - and note that therapists nowadays usually don't ask survivors to walk through every gory detail. The most important thing is to confront what the PROBLEM is. But if part of the problem has always been the sense of enforced required secrecy, then in that case you should at least tell your therapist as much as you can manage.

 

[JC1]

Hi, everyone. I made an introduction a few months back, then had a major mental health crisis. It's been about a year and a half since I started really facing what happened to me, but even now I feel like I'm only doing it in a half-assed kind of way for lack of a better word. I can say the basics of what happened (e.g. "X did Y to me over a period of time"), but I detach from it. I can't talk in detail about it. The memories have been haunting me worse and worse. I know the checklist here says a big part of recovery is sharing one's story. I can't even face it myself. I've tried writing it and I freeze up because it feels too real. I'm so scared. It feels like if I try to really face it, I'll get trapped in these horrible feelings of terror and despair forever. My mental health has never been worse than it is now but I can't seem to just bury it all again. I'm really genuinely scared. I recently got a new therapist whom I've already opened up to and I think will be very helpful, but I'm still so scared to even say I need to talk about this stuff. I'm afraid I'll break down and never recover. But this is eating me alive.
I'm sure I'm not the only guy here to have felt this way. I was just wondering if anyone had any tips, even if it's just "try to suck it up and talk about it anyway". I just feel very lost and any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

You are certainly not the only one to feel this way! i certainly relate to what you are feeling here., In the beginning I was only able to share in that general way, but being in this place has helped to make it easier. But just know that you should only share what you are comfortable with. There’s no requirement to try and share anything until you are ready. And i also am one of those who found i struggled in therapy. A lot of’ selective’ sharing because i just couldn’t say it. One thing i found helpful was to write it down before i went. At times even just giving what I wrote to him. But you are not alone and these are tough things to deal with ourselves, much less share with others.

 

[LittleSteve]

I'm afraid I'll break down and never recover. But this is eating me alive.

What I’m hearing you say, but you’re not really saying it you said it’s eating me alive. It’s already broken you down. That’s what you’re feeling right now and it’s because you’re keeping it bottled up inside..

What happened to me happened when I was four years old, I buried it so deep inside I didn’t remember any of it, nothing. 60 years later, it burst through. There was no going back. And pretending it never happened. It doesn’t work that way.

What you’re feeling is your mind’s pressure pushing you to deal with it and if your mind’s like mine, you don’t really have any choice. It’s gonna keep coming and get stronger until you start dealing with it and working through it. In the past, you were able to suppress it and your mind accepted that to protect you, but it sounds like as with me that time is over and now is the time you have to deal with it.

You’ve got your brothers here to try and help, you’ve got a therapist. It’s time to use the tools that you have and bring it out in front and center. Yes it’s gonna be horrible, they’ll be tears. They’ll be pain all of the stuff you fear will probably happen, but that’s how you heal. Healing is possible, but only when you take those steps and start dealing with it.

The way I dealt with it and therapy was I just let it all out. I told her everything, all of it. I didn’t hold a single thing back. Remember your therapist is there to help you, this is what they want to do is to work with people like us. It’s OK to share it with them, you don’t have to try and protect them, this is their chosen profession. They’ll be OK.

And for you to be OK, you have to deal with it, however, it works best for you. If that’s writing it out, if it’s speaking it, whatever method sharing here or sharing with your therapist, but you can’t put the genie back in the bottle.

I’ll share with you one of the things my therapist talked about she said when we were discussing how different I am from most of her clients as the fact that I would get all the information get a thorough understanding of it and then attack, full assault with what I was going through. I didn’t hold back. I just charged straight ahead. She said most of her clients circle around things dodge things and aren’t willing to confront what they need to do even when they know they need to do it.

I went through absolutely horrendous trauma as a child, but by meeting and head on and facing it, I was able to get through it. I’m exiting therapy this week, that doesn’t mean I’m cured or anything, but I’m back into life. I’m stable. Healing is possible. You can get through this.

 

[JC1]

I’ll share with you one of the things my therapist talked about she said when we were discussing how different I am from most of her clients as the fact that I would get all the information get a thorough understanding of it and then attack, full assault with what I was going through.

I so relate to this!!!! I’m getting better at it, but i was one of those who went in circles and down rabbit holes. Anywhere but dead center. Every time i tried then i would back down. I’m not there yet, but much better about it and it’s making a difference. Sometimes I’ve written it down. Like they say, a therapist can only work with what he/she has.

 

[LittleSteve]

For me, that’s what really made the difference and also in my journals which my therapist read daily I was completely open about everything thoughts conclusions suppositions all of it because you’re very right I can’t help you if they don’t know what’s going on

 

[GaD3!]

Hi, everyone. I made an introduction a few months back, then had a major mental health crisis. It's been about a year and a half since I started really facing what happened to me, but even now I feel like I'm only doing it in a half-assed kind of way for lack of a better word. I can say the basics of what happened (e.g. "X did Y to me over a period of time"), but I detach from it. I can't talk in detail about it. The memories have been haunting me worse and worse. I know the checklist here says a big part of recovery is sharing one's story. I can't even face it myself. I've tried writing it and I freeze up because it feels too real. I'm so scared. It feels like if I try to really face it, I'll get trapped in these horrible feelings of terror and despair forever. My mental health has never been worse than it is now but I can't seem to just bury it all again. I'm really genuinely scared. I recently got a new therapist whom I've already opened up to and I think will be very helpful, but I'm still so scared to even say I need to talk about this stuff. I'm afraid I'll break down and never recover. But this is eating me alive.
I'm sure I'm not the only guy here to have felt this way. I was just wondering if anyone had any tips, even if it's just "try to suck it up and talk about it anyway". I just feel very lost and any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

For whatever it is worth I understand what you are going through. I have been in that place. Once the door is opened even it is just a tiny bit, it seems there is no closing it. The memories demand to be dealt with. It takes time to deal with all of this vile garbage. It is often extremely painful and scary. I started therapy almost 20 years ago and i am still in therapy and I need to be. I am not saying it will be the same for you, I just share this to give you some perspective from where I am coming from. Healing is incremental it cannot be dealt with all at once. It is a process.

I am a retired gardener so my analogy. Healing is like reclaiming a large, long neglected garden area. It is full of weeds, garbage and trash dead and dying plants along with overgrown shrubs and trees that are salvageable but need pruning and care to be healthy again. One first must remove the trash, and weeds, then the dead and dying plants. Then work on the trees and shrubs. It is a lot of work and it takes time, but with much work and time it can become a place of beauty. You are at the place now of looking at that garden area and starting to remove some of the trash. The task may look overwhelming but things are not always what they seem.

Sometimes one has to face their fear and stare it right in the eye. It is not easy to do so, but either one does that or the fear can keep one trapped in a place of darkness. I don't even like thinking about what I endured, let alone talk about it. At times I still have to fight back tears, when discussing things in therapy.

My mental health has never been worse than it is now

Yes, I was at this exact same place before I finally got into therapy and got some help. One day after work, it was pleasantly warm and my kids were outside skate boarding and playing and everything looked peaceful on the outside. I had a good job and my kids were doing well etc.. I looked out the door and I thought " I am barely hanging on by a thing thread, I can't hold on much longer".

I'm afraid I'll break down and never recover. But this is eating me alive.

I felt the same and could have said these exact words when I started on this journey and I am sure it is the same for many of use here. As you know the issues will not go away and they need to be addressed.. You can do this. We are here for you. I say it often in the forums,- There IS hope. Cling to the hope. That I still alive and typing this is proof of that. If I can ever be of any help feel free to message me. Take care.