Worried of repressed memories of me doing something bad, but also sure it didn't happen.

[inthegrass33]

I used psychedelics to try and heal and had visions during it that made me fear that I'm a pedophile. Under the influence it became very heavy and I was telling myself that I'm a pedophile, not my parents, and there was this voice that was like if you confess, you can finally sleep. I hit puberty at 17 and have always masturbated to older, big tittied women. I feel destroyed by this obsession that I have done something terrible and am repressing it. I have become almost non functional because of it. I dissociate constantly. I don't remember my abuse because of the dissociation. Has anyone had this realization or false realization? I can't get through it. I had that trip 8 years ago and tripped since then and it's the same thing. I am running from myself. I don't want to remember anything to the point that I can't even remember yesterday anymore. The more I ruminate the more I can't sleep. The more I can't sleep, the more I medicate. I couldn't live with myself if I did something like that. Sometimes I'm like why am I obsessing about this because there's no way it happened, but my mind will imagine all these possibilities and they seem like realities. I'm driving myself to death. This is ruining my life. I want to relax and let myself remember, but there is just shame and this horrible voice in my head thAt is abusing me and it feels like me judging myself. I'm so lost. What the fuck is happening. I'm going to have to go on disability if this keeps up.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

For me, I have found sometimes those things I feared the most didn’t turn out to be the same as I made them out to be in my head.
With a good therapist and after building a relationship of mutual trust, he showed me what my thoughts and actions were, which turned out hard to take but it wasn’t the end of the world which is what it felt like inside.
There was a huge relief once I let it out of the bag. But it is still something I am not proud of nor something I care to share with people.
Unless a person lived through the exact same situations I did they wouldn’t understand. I had to work though it myself in order to understand it.

I feel very inadequate trying to explain when there are so many others on here that are so much more intelligent than I. And I don’t always explain myself well. But I want you to have comfort in yourself and have compassion for yourself. You are doing the best you can with what you were dealt. And the fact that you are so stressed out about it proves to me you aren’t a pedophile. I dont think they are capable of having that kind of compassion.