*Triggers Possible* Fantasies of memories
A while ago there was a long thread about sexual arousal at the memories of abuse and fantasies about it. I read it. My feelings are not really sexual though, but still strong and gratifying. I have always felt bad about those fantasies but after reading that thread something has shifted in how I see it.
Usually my fantasy comes from a memory of abuse that happened and I try to accept that it happened. There are strong feelings in it that are difficult to handle. Then I kind of allow it to happen, it feels a bit like it is happening again, but with more control than in a flashback. Like dreams half awake. Very soon there is a slight shift and I am an adult in the situation, my present adult self going to the abuser of the memory willingly and consenting to everything. In the fantasy things happen the same as in childhood and worse, and I consent to all of it with some kind of love, I say to the abuser that it is ok, I know he needs it and maybe I need it too. I forgive and the situation ends in a feeling that something is resolved.
I use to see this as perverted and self destructive, because my feeling is clearly that I deserve to be abused so it is ok. And in reality it was not like this at all, I was an abused kid and not a consenting adult. But now I think maybe I do what I need to do. Turn in into what it should have been in my mind. Give it a form that I can live with. And maybe I did feel this at the time too, that I deserved it and forgave. It is my own experience and I have the right to process it as it is even if it is not politically correct.
Also, these fantasies are ONLY about the violent and sadistic ones. The power hungry ones. Specifically one. I could feel that energy and I could understand it, still can. I could feel why they needed it. For the gentle ones who wanted to touch me sexually and pretend it was mutual I have no forgiveness.
And I think I actually am grateful for those sadistic ones, for the clarity they gave me when they owned their desire and made it so easy for me to know what was happening. Especially the ones who liked resistance. And maybe I actually did feel respected and empowered when they didn't give me any lenience, when I fought and refused and was overpowered. Especially one who would talk to me after, do something that made me feel cleansed, I don't remember what but he said I fought good, there is no shame in losing when you fight your best. And there was some kind of peace for me in the defeat, in knowing I did everything and had no chance.
It is my experience. I felt a lot of things with the sadistic ones that were good feelings for me. Not sexual but other good feelings. In my fantasies I go back and reclaim those moments as mine. They are mine. I have the right to them.
I guess my point is that I think there is some kind of healing and processing for me in the way these fantasies play out in my mind and emotions. Being a consenting adult, talking to the abuser, doing it over as it should have been. Does anyone else have that processing and healing feeling about their fantasies or is it more of a loop, like an addiction or something that leads to shame?
Usually my fantasy comes from a memory of abuse that happened and I try to accept that it happened. There are strong feelings in it that are difficult to handle. Then I kind of allow it to happen, it feels a bit like it is happening again, but with more control than in a flashback. Like dreams half awake. Very soon there is a slight shift and I am an adult in the situation, my present adult self going to the abuser of the memory willingly and consenting to everything. In the fantasy things happen the same as in childhood and worse, and I consent to all of it with some kind of love, I say to the abuser that it is ok, I know he needs it and maybe I need it too. I forgive and the situation ends in a feeling that something is resolved.
I use to see this as perverted and self destructive, because my feeling is clearly that I deserve to be abused so it is ok. And in reality it was not like this at all, I was an abused kid and not a consenting adult. But now I think maybe I do what I need to do. Turn in into what it should have been in my mind. Give it a form that I can live with. And maybe I did feel this at the time too, that I deserved it and forgave. It is my own experience and I have the right to process it as it is even if it is not politically correct.
Also, these fantasies are ONLY about the violent and sadistic ones. The power hungry ones. Specifically one. I could feel that energy and I could understand it, still can. I could feel why they needed it. For the gentle ones who wanted to touch me sexually and pretend it was mutual I have no forgiveness.
And I think I actually am grateful for those sadistic ones, for the clarity they gave me when they owned their desire and made it so easy for me to know what was happening. Especially the ones who liked resistance. And maybe I actually did feel respected and empowered when they didn't give me any lenience, when I fought and refused and was overpowered. Especially one who would talk to me after, do something that made me feel cleansed, I don't remember what but he said I fought good, there is no shame in losing when you fight your best. And there was some kind of peace for me in the defeat, in knowing I did everything and had no chance.
It is my experience. I felt a lot of things with the sadistic ones that were good feelings for me. Not sexual but other good feelings. In my fantasies I go back and reclaim those moments as mine. They are mine. I have the right to them.
I guess my point is that I think there is some kind of healing and processing for me in the way these fantasies play out in my mind and emotions. Being a consenting adult, talking to the abuser, doing it over as it should have been. Does anyone else have that processing and healing feeling about their fantasies or is it more of a loop, like an addiction or something that leads to shame?
