Back to work and in my own apartment

[smc1972]

I returned back to work this past Tuesday and worked everyday except Friday which i work from home. I have been out for 5 months with only the two other days I tried to return in September. I am grateful I was able to have the time but I still struggle with thinking how it will be a black mark against me. There is still some shame in me about having reached that point in my life that others saw as becoming a major concern about me.

While the leave did allow me to get my head in a better (neutral) place i still fail out of sorts. I was explains to my T Friday that I went back thinking I would be stepping right back in everything as it was. She had warned me it was not going to be that way yet I guess part or me just wanted it to be. As if erase the whole past 5 months from everyone memories. I did not feel myself, like everything was an effort personality wise struggle to perform.

I did manage to make it though so i guess that is a good thing. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning sucked as I could not sleep at all because my mind was doing the stupid self-hate, things will fall apart loop. I did however manage to sleep the entire next night after picking up. Larger dose of Ambein. Used it again tonight but briefly work around 3am. I am hoping that was a fluke but guess I will have to wait and see.

I have been in my apartment for one week now and still saddens me and it feels nothing like a home. Just to much to unpack and figure out where i can put things. I forced myself yesterday to really work on getting the master closet and bedroom done. Which I have done for the most part. Still some decorating that is needed. Now this weekend try to get the garage organized for two reason. One so i can park my car in it. Second so I can move things from within the house out to the garage. I have decided to combine boxes if there are things I do not need at this moment and keep things boxed.

I am hoping for some “normalcy” soon in my life. Right now why I am truly in a better mental state (have slipped a few times) I just need peace within me and the apartment. I could probably be closer to that if I did not self-sabotage so much. My T keeps trying to get me to relax and understand I am trying to undo a lifetime of self-doubt and judgement. It is what I learned as a kid and it became my role in life to placate others, please them, serve them. Now I am not in that role with anyone so I feel lost even dis-regulated in a degree because what was always there, even though it was bad. So that part of me is missing and there is a void so it is scary.

Never in my life would I have ever thought I would find myself where I am today. I know it is a good thing a positive thing for me but still feels so so uncomfortable.

 

[LittleSteve]

I had similar feeling after breaking up and took some time to figure out was normal was and I didn’t have this in the mix. You’re doing great, you’re functional and getting settled. It’s very difficult doing what you’re doing even without all csa stuff. You’re also getting back to work that’s huge.

 

[FindingLoveInMyself]

Thanks for posting this. It’s weird to start making changes for yourself. I’m glad you’ve been making these changes for you. It’s hard to listen to ourselves and put ourselves first. I think you’re doing great from my outside point of view.

 

[Sossity]

You are doing really well, it has only been a short time, stepping make sense, just look what you have achieved. Just breath, and acknowledge you achievements.

 

[smc1972]

@LittleSteve @FindingLoveInMyself @Sossity Thank you for the positive words. I am not good at being compassionate with myself which was a topic of conversation with my T today.

She said something and forewarned me to not take it as criticism. She told she has worked with about 6-12 clients which engrained negativity about themselves. But I am the first that has not been able to make the change. She feels that the years of the abuse and the serverity is a factor but that there is something that was engrained in me to a an intense level. Was upsetting to hear. I told her how it bothers me and makes me feel I am not meant to change. I admitted there is something in me that subconsciously makes me feel I am meant to be like I am.

I am trying to stop myself on self-negativity but just can’t figure it out. I hate saying that I need the positive words of encouragement helps me feel better. Can’t seem to find it in myself.

Again thanks.

 

[Induna]

@smc1972 this is a big step forward! It is really hard to change like you have but you have done what you’ve had to in order to move forward with your life. You’re going to freak out sometimes for a while. That’s ok. We all would.

 

[GaD3!]

It will take time to adjust to the move and being solo etc. You are doing the right things by getting the apartment organized etc. You are trying, I know easy to say but try to be patient with yourself. We all are our own worse task masters. As your T said the negativity did not happen overnight rather it is well ingrained. With that being the reality it does and will take time to overcome those thought patterns. It is possible, though, I know this from personal experience. You are doing tremendously well, you have been dealing with a lot, so give yourself some credit, and show yourself some compassion. I truly you peace. Take care.

 

[Bluedogone]

even though it was bad. So that part of me is missing and there is a void so it is scary.

Thanks for the report.
An extra dose of Congratulations is definitely in order. To change a 30+ year routine is no small feat. If you compare then to your current state it may amaze you with the progress you've made. Such a radical change won't be quick, or easy, but it. is. possible. Keep it up.

 

[Sossity]

@LittleSteve @FindingLoveInMyself @Sossity Thank you for the positive words. I am not good at being compassionate with myself which was a topic of conversation with my T today.

She said something and forewarned me to not take it as criticism. She told she has worked with about 6-12 clients which engrained negativity about themselves. But I am the first that has not been able to make the change. She feels that the years of the abuse and the serverity is a factor but that there is something that was engrained in me to a an intense level. Was upsetting to hear. I told her how it bothers me and makes me feel I am not meant to change. I admitted there is something in me that subconsciously makes me feel I am meant to be like I am.

I am trying to stop myself on self-negativity but just can’t figure it out. I hate saying that I need the positive words of encouragement helps me feel better. Can’t seem to find it in myself.

Again thanks.

I know want you mean, I hear positive words about me, but they are never able to penetrate, though to any leave of acceptance, but negativity passes through with no resistance. I remember when I had my breakdown it took me three days of intense sessions with my T to just say I was a good person, we both cried when I finally said it. But old habits die hard.

I had my review at work this last week and I had to write about my achievements, I am a senior manager, after two days of trying, I ended up feeding my past reviews and what I had written it AI and getting that to write it. I know I a rubbish at self compassion, so when I catch myself, I have started to stop brushing away the positive, instantly dismissing it with words or actions, but I am just allowing it to be, nether accepting it, rejecting it, just acknowledging it, that feel like big step for me. Can you do that?

 

[smc1972]

You are doing tremendously well, you have been dealing with a lot, so give yourself some credit, and show yourself some compassion

I wish that was not so hard. I want to be this person that well I think I always wanted to be.

If you compare then to your current state it may amaze you with the progress you've made. Such a radical change won't be quick, or easy, but it. is. possible.

I do try to show myself where I was to where I am now. I know I am better a lot better in that I do not have the bad thoughts, the no hope or future. But feel so good n the edge. I told my T Friday I think I went back a week or so to early. I have not even been there for an entire week.

If you compare then to your current state it may amaze you with the progress you've made

I know it’s progress but it feels it’s a few steps and worry it won’t take much to put me back in a bad place. Just thinking that I tear up like wtf. Tired of being so emotionally on edge.

I have started to stop brushing away the positive, instantly dismissing it with words or actions, but I am just allowing it to be, nether accepting it, rejecting it, just acknowledging it, that feel like big step for me. Can you do that?

I am trying. I do eye movements and tell myself I am ok it will get better. I just do not do it enough. Like you wrote hard to let the positive in but negative not a problem. Been that way most my life. Decades of shit thinking about myself and now just starting to change my thinking.

One day I will hopefully get there.

 

[Sossity]

One day I will hopefully get there.

Hopefully we will. I do rate the EMDR, have you tried tapping, I was taught to cross my arms, placing my open hands on the top of each arm, and the to alternately pat each arm, building speed as you get rythm. It does the same as the eye movement. I do it when I start to feel emotionally triggered. Mt T also did me a video of his finger movement I could watch, which between the to I did three or four times a day,. They worked for me, look after yourself.