Relationship Issues Told my partner of 25 years we need go our own ways

[smc1972]

I told my partner on Friday that we need to go our own ways. It shocked him and it has been killing, I came to the camper after we talked a couple minutes and just stayed inside pretty much 95% of the time. Crying, sobbing, confused, conflicted, questioning if i have a future.

I have not slept much each night, tonight was maybe combined 3-4 hours. Nothing seems to work to get me to stay asleep. Saturday I took 4 trazadone’s and still work up in the middle of the night. One worked a year ago and did not take it all the time until about 6 months ago.

He makes 40K a year so it’s not a lot so finding some affordable that is not in a bad area or run down is going to be very difficult for him. When i think of him and the dog i go right back to crying again like now. He can be such a good guy but as I had mentioned in other post he uses me and I have let him. My T, others here have pointed out his traits that are of a narcissist. But it is not like others I know who are 100% abut them type narcissist so that makes it harder.

This was brewing and I had a tipping point Friday when i found out he was back in debt with two loans that he miss payments on so he is now on a payment plane to a debt relief company. He promised he would not do that again after i paid things off for him about 2 years ago. He told me two weeks ago he had no debt but $50.00 on a credit card. I only found out about the loans while at the bank Friday morning with him to take a loan out to buy the car he drives that I pay for. That when the lady asked him about those debts. I was mad but also upset.

He sent me a bunch of texts that night of pictures with him and I and of the dog. All this these message of love and support he has for me. He told me how he is going to contribute financially to things yet he say that then three txts later he said he went and bought groceries so i looked and yeah on my credit card account that I added him to years ago. I know inside he wont change but I do not know how to handle this. I don't like to hurt people never have my entire life. I only remember one time that I hurt someone and that to was a break up my first ever dating/relationship. It still bothers me and the look on his face is still vivid 27 years later.

We do not have any friends here so he has no one to turn to for help him with this. He is staying saying “we can fix things he loves me and i love him.” He acts like all of this is because my past and actually starting to work on myself this past year, year in a half. I get past that everythgin is back to how it was.

The main support i have are people on this site and three friends that know i was abused adn about the things with my partner. I feel terrible about me being this way emotionally for so long. I do not even have my owns family support. I texted my brother Saturday evening to ask about our mother since no one has told me anything going on since end of April early May. He texts me back during the night and he edits his text to add at the bottom “how are you doing”. He knows I am not in a good mental place and i am on leave. I texted him back the next morning that “I am not doing good to be honest. I told justin that we need to go our seperate ways and that I went to the camper after i told him that.” His response well there has been no response. There kids are grown and away on there own so it is not from being busy with the kids.

I do not know how to do this how to handle this at all. I am going back to the house today and plan to sleep in the spare room but not sure if I don't just stay at the camper during my leave.

I hate that I never got to have my life. The one i have dreamed about being happy more than sad.

 

[blacken]

It sounds like you are experiencing a huge amount of emotional pain.
I can hear the disappointment in your words.
You know me well enough to know that I am going to recommend you work on this in therapy & couples therapy.
Even if at this moment you feel your relationship is unrepairable, couples work can help it be less bitter & be able to part on better terms.
While it's great you feel you have friends here, none of us can help you in the ways Individual & Couples therapy can.

 

[GaD3!]

You did not have the life you dreamed of, I don't think any of us did. I sure didn't. I will share this with you, it probably will sound stupid to you and anyone else who reads this but it made sense to me. I was struggling with these type of issues. My job was such that I had much time outdoors alone doing tasks that allowed me ponder things. One day it came to mind in regards to these issues. A giraffe is a giraffe and an elephant is an elephant. I got a mental image of each, of course very different. Then the thought came to mind, you may want a giraffe to be an elephant, or an elephant to be a giraffe. You can struggle with this all you want, but you can't make an elephant into a giraffe or vice versa. Some things cannot be changed and you have to accept that. I needed all that mental imagery to final get to a point of understanding. Somethings cannot be changed and one must just accept that and move on.

Your family is not going to change, unlike some miracle takes place. They do happen at times, but in this situation, highly unlikely I know it hurts and it is not the family you thought you had when you were younger nor the family that you want, but it is what you have. You just have to accept that as painful and unjust as that is. I had to do the same close to 30 years ago.

I know what is like not having many friends. I really have none local and a few long distant ones, so as with yourself my main support is here along with therapy. I wish it was not this way, but I don't know how to change things- it has always been this way. I understand how you feel.

I have never taken meds to help me sleep, but I know that after awhile meds can loose their effectiveness. Also that when one is under extreme stress it is hard to sleep. The mind is so wound up.

In a perfect world one would not have to "hurt" someone. As we all know that world does not exist. You were basically conditioned since childhood to be a people pleaser- sorry to be so blunt. Some will appreciate such a person and treat them with kindness and respect others will push the limits with them, and basically use them What does your relationship look like to you? What does your relationship with your family look like to you?

Maybe it is easier for me being a strong willed and hot tempered Latin. but often times one has to stand their ground, if you don't as I have stated previously people will walk all over you and piss on you when they are done. Believe me I have seen it happen enough times. Yes one should treat others with courtesy, respect and kindness. Some don't understand that and perceive it as weakness, they will push the boundaries right off the cliff if one allows it. Note - allows it.

Maybe there truly is love between you and your partner, only you can answer that. Love does not meant that you have to be someone's door mat. As an example I raised my kids on my own- I have loved them since the moment of conception. That being said I was not a permissive parent, some maybe would call me a hard ass. When my youngest was around 16 he wanted to go out with his friends on a school night. He had homework to do, I told him he could not go. He then said, "what if I take the truck and drive into town with my friends?" I told him go right ahead and I will call the sheriff and tell them you stole the truck and have you arrested, and then said" you just get your ass in your room and do your homework!" He did, because he knew darn well that I would call the sheriff and not think twice about it. Long example but do you get the point? I love my son, but.... You may love your partner, but ..

Actions speak louder than words if he truly loves you he would get his head out of his anus and act appropriately. He has not done so and you have allowed it. I care a lot about you so I am not trying to be mean or harsh, but this whole situation is destroying you and it needs to change. You have a right to be treated with respect, sometimes one has to demand that. Blacken has given you excellent advice- listen to him!

I know you have an excellent and caring therapist. l am sure she can give you both help in dealing with all of this. If she feels she would not be the best T for couples counseling I am sure she could refer you to someone who would be. You need to take care of yourself, no one else can do that for you. We all are here for you and we care, but only you can do what is needed to get to a better place in your life. You can do so. Yes life has been a been a bunch of crap, the past is unchangeable, but the future does not have to be more of the same. Don't you even dare think about giving up, you deserve better.

We care about you and we are here for you.

 

[Duckie]

I know this has been incredibly difficult for you and how can it not be. I admire that you are looking out for yourself and showing such positive actions for self care. This absolutely denotes growth on your part.

 

[Bluedogone]

(((Hugs))) @smc1972

I'm sorry you've been going through this emotional whipsaw lately. It can be so draining on you, both physically and emotionally.

I would have to respectfully disagree with you on your statement

I do not know how to do this how to handle this at all.

All the duties and responsibilities of your work, and the care and attention you display would dispute that, hands down. Taking a leave from your job, standing tall by insisting that caring for yourself is an important step in keeping your priorities in order, More Proof.. And perhaps the most telling thing of all: After 25 years with your partner you know more than Anyone Else what he's like and is capable of in the future.

I hate that I never got to have my life. The one i have dreamed about being happy more than sad.

Having dreams is simply great, and being happy more than sad is PRICELESS. and if you've spent 25 years of your life making your partner happy while all these years you've been sad, you already have your answer. Keep in mind what Einstein is quoted as saying. ""The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results." I'm sure you know you're now in a sleep deprived and very emotionally bankrupt patch. Hopefully you'll get the prescription, or whatever is needed, to be in a position to make rational decisions.

Once again, just as you've done with work, it's not selfish, you need to think of yourself first, and only of yourself. If your current situation is only a one-off time and this is your first time being surprised at his less than honest financial disclosure, or if this is first time you regret adding him to your credit card accounts, or if it's the first time you felt it a bit unfair the amount he contributes to household expenses, then you need to recognize you're in a once in a lifetime situation, and the last 25 years definitely need to be considered.

I have to admit, showing me dog pictures would dissolve any resolve I had do stand my ground.. but after careful, peaceful (and calm) consideration and plenty of therapy, and no sleeping in the same house, you still think parting of the ways is best, that's a GO. And here's another take away. Pease - We care, I care.

 

[Blessedcurse]

Honestly I make 40k a year and I am fine, zero debt. You don't owe him a life style. Also to get debt and lie about it is so not ok. How can you trust him? I hope you find your way without him. It just looks impossible when you are so deep in a relationship but there are better possibilities.

 

[Resurgam]

Brother, I think you DO know what to do, and I think you are doing it. It FEELS uncomfortable and difficult because it IS uncomfortable and difficult. These guys who commented before me--they are wise and supportive. I encourage you to do some breath work, do some self-care activities, remember that you are valuable and you deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, and faithfulness.

If you don't care for yourself, your partner will never respect your requested boundaries and your relationship will stay the same. If you do care for yourself, he may not change, or he may change -- but either way, you will have grown more resilient, and you will have experienced what it is like to care for yourself which will make you healthier in all of your relationships.

 

[Jack1]

There was a guy that I had been helping out lately. Mostly transportation for doctor visits, small purchases and such. I had to tell him I wouldn't be doing it any more though. No matter how much I did he always wanted more and he tried to lay a guilt trip on me when I said no. I feel sorry for the guy but I learned a long time ago that like a drowning man, they will use you and drag you down without a thought.

@smc1972 You are doing the right thing. Hang in there. Things will get better.

 

[Hsqmyp]

Jack i’ve had a similar experience with a friend. I’ve kind of just started to say no.

 

[Colt1958]

Honestly I make 40k a year and I am fine, zero debt. You don't owe him a life style. Also to get debt and lie about it is so not ok. How can you trust him? I hope you find your way without him. It just looks impossible when you are so deep in a relationship but there are better possibilities.

I could easily rock $40k, especially since SSDI is about half of that and still enjoy a lot of splurges

 

[Colt1958]

SMC: I am so sorry to hear of all that you have going on at one time. I hope you are reaching out for professional guidance, maybe considering a mild tranquilizer and/or more frequent therapy sessions. Now is the time to focus on YOU. It sounds like he needs his own support team. The NFCC dot org website is a legitimate resource for debt management issues and legit programs he may want to look into. I am assuming you have no joint debts or legal property to convolute a breakup?

 

[tgslair]

after 25 years is monumental—like an earthquake beneath your foundation. No matter how necessary it may feel, it still shakes everything you’ve known. It’s not just the loss of a relationship; it’s the unraveling of routines, shared dreams, identity as part of a “we.” That’s deep grief, and it’s valid. You’re Allowed to Grieve. You may grieve not just the person, but the years invested, the future imagined, the version of yourself you were with them. Let yourself mourn without rushing to “be okay.” It might feel like the rug’s been pulled out, but you’re not starting from scratch. You’re starting from experience. Twenty-five years of learning, evolving, loving, surviving—you bring all that with you into what comes next. Love didn’t run out. There’s still love available—for yourself, from others, and possibly again in new ways, when you’re ready. Be well my friend

 

[FindingLoveInMyself]

i wanted to add some support. Breakups are awful and especially when you’ve been together as long as yours. I’m not divorced yet but my 10 year marriage is done and it’s devastating. I think acceptance is a good starting point. That’s what I’m focusing on.

I know that your lack of sleep is absolutely making everything worse. It’s hard enough dealing with the ripples of what happened as a kid without sleep deprivation. Throw that on top of it and it’s debilitating. It truly does a number on our bodies.

I care too and truly wish that whatever happens, you can improve your quality of life in small steps. It’s not easy. Thanks for posting.

 

[smc1972]

I am truly touched by everyone’s comments it does me a lot to me more. If i could have two wishes right now, one would be to stop crying all the time second get sleep. Today as soon as i saw my T i just started to cry. She his so good and helping me see things. Just that as she put it you have had a life time of pleasing others, let others take advantage of you emotionally, sexually and financially by my own family for decades. She told it is going to very hard on me emotionally because it is not what I have done ever and now I am and to the person i have spent 25 years of my life with. She keeps telling me he will be ok yes hurt for a while but he will move on.

Even if at this moment you feel your relationship is unrepairable, couples work can help it be less bitter & be able to part on better terms.

I will talk to my T about that on Wednesday. I know he is scared and i let this go on for too long making it worse.

Somethings cannot be changed and one must just accept that and move on.

What i keep being told by my T. Pretty much what everyone has written here is what she has been telling me the last few months and even more so the last this last month. I know i keep having hope that he will or that he would have changed. I am still clinging to that in a way but i know it wont happen.

I know this has been incredibly difficult for you and how can it not be. I admire that you are looking out for yourself and showing such positive actions for self care. This absolutely denotes growth on your part.

I suck at seeing that in me but working on that.

If your current situation is only a one-off time and this is your first time being surprised at his less than honest financial disclosure, or if this is first time you regret adding him to your credit card accounts, or if it's the first time you felt it a bit unfair the amount he contributes to household expenses, then you need to recognize you're in a once in a lifetime situation,

That is the thing right there, this is not the 1st time probably the fourth time. In the past I always bailed him. Tell him you have an income and no bills now do not get in debt. Always says he wont but here we are again. That is the part that kills me inside all the chances for him because i care about him and always get letdown. He keeps saying he is go be commit to paying the household bills but I know it wont last ever has not even a $300 car note. That agains is what saddens me.

Honestly I make 40k a year and I am fine, zero debt. You don't owe him a life style.

I know. What overwhelm me is all the things that have to be packed or looked though more that what would fit in any apartment. This is going to sound stupid but just the thought of the Olaf (the dog) not having a back yard hurts.

If you don't care for yourself, your partner will never respect your requested boundaries

I am just numb to the fact i never really looked out for myself always wanting to help others. My T has told i have once before, when i just up and decided to move 35 miles away from family with less than a weeks notice. She tells me that was my mind finally going “fuck this shit I cant handle it so lets go”. At that time is also when i really came out and meet other supportive gay people. She says it the same thing and ironically it almost the same amount of years. 22-23 years old when i moved away from home.

maybe considering a mild tranquilizer and/or more frequent therapy sessions. Now is the time to focus on YOU.

I think a mild tranquilizer is something I need to talk to my Dr. about. I am currently doing 3 session a week two that are 1.5-2 hours and one that is an hour. So hey i got that going for me.

after 25 years is monumental—like an earthquake beneath your foundation. No matter how necessary it may feel, it still shakes everything you’ve known. It’s not just the loss of a relationship; it’s the unraveling of routines, shared dreams, identity as part of a “we.” That’s deep grief, and it’s valid. You’re Allowed to Grieve. You may grieve not just the person, but the years invested, the future imagined, the version of yourself you were with them. Let yourself mourn without rushing to “be okay.” It might feel like the rug’s been pulled out, but you’re not starting from scratch. You’re starting from experience. Twenty-five years of learning, evolving, loving, surviving—you bring all that with you into what comes next. Love didn’t run out. There’s still love available—for yourself, from others, and possibly again in new ways, when you’re ready.

You described it perfectly, all of it.

I’m not divorced yet but my 10 year marriage is done and it’s devastating. I think acceptance is a good starting point.

I am working on the acceptance aspect. I have the one side saying work it out he will change then the other side going home many times are you going to believe that, he is not changing.

Again i do not think you know how much I need this support I do feel alone in it at times in part i don't want to bother people. But I do not know what else to do.

 

[GaD3!]

You are NOT bothering anyone. If you were no one would be replying to your posts. We all are here for one another- I have seen this so many times. You have helped others here and by your posts it shows you care. So now it is your time to receive support. Again you are not burdening or bothering anyone. I say what I mean and mean what I say- so that statement is not a bunch of hog was. Please take care.

 

[smc1972]

You are NOT bothering anyone.

I have told myself that many times but it is like so engrained in me to not bother people with my stuff. I think i may have gotten a little better in that I do not think I say it as often I before. Also I know I have gotten way better on not always saying sorry.

 

[Induna]

@smc1972 From everything you've written here it is clear that this was the right decision for you, and the only decision you could have made to keep healing! I know it's hard. I know how much it hurts and how easy it is to only be sad and hurt. It is important to grieve, but I want to tell you that is important to appreciate the courage and determination it took to make this choice. Many people cannot do so even when their future is at stake.

I separated from my best friend and wife of 30 years. It was brutally difficult, but I HAD to do it in order to have a chance of not being sick forever and dying filled with regret. It was that important. I was like you. The mere thought that I might have hurt someone filled me with guilt and pain. I still remember seeing her in the back of a car leaving for the airport. She looked so small and I knew I would probably never see her again. It almost broke me. Seriously. But it didn't. I am much happier and much more the man I wanted to be. Staying with her would have been waiting to die and not living. I hate writing that, but it's true. I can't even say it was her fault. She stayed how she had always been. I couldn't do that.

My thoughts are with you. Remember that you decided out of hope and not cruelty.

 

[GaD3!]

I have told myself that many times but it is like so engrained in me to not bother people with my stuff. I think i may have gotten a little better in that I do not think I say it as often I before. Also I know I have gotten way better on not always saying sorry.

I understand completely, I am the same way, it has gotten a bit better for me also. Easy to tell you, that you are not bothering not bothering anyone- which is completely true. but not so easy to apply that to oneself. An unfair double standard, many of us deal with.

 

[FindingLoveInMyself]

I think one of the most difficult things a lot of us share is the inability to see or accept support or genuine actions from others. It’s so hard. I feel like you might relate to this. If anyone does anything nice for me it feels nice for a very short time. And then my brain takes over and attacks all the things that “could” be better, all the things I’m doing wrong and why I don’t deserve it or why what the person didn wasn’t actually nice, it’s brutal and exhausting. Hoping any of this support can get through, even if it’s a small amount.

 

[smc1972]

I think one of the most difficult things a lot of us share is the inability to see or accept support or genuine actions from others. It’s so hard. I feel like you might relate to this.

Yes I can relate. The voice in my head saying “oh they are tired of me and my down mood, always upset and etc.”. Yeah that voice has been part of my entire life.

It is brutal and exhausting.

I feel like the situation with my partner is taking away time i need to work on my past. My T says that this situation is similar to what i felt being abused just a different way of be taking advantage of.