Anyone Else Struggled With Obsessive Crushes?
Anyone Else Struggled With Obsessive Crushes?
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deedeeiny60
Registrant
Obsessive crushes might not but yes obsessive lust for bigger stronger older men. And obviously I know where that came from.
I tended to feel attracted to men who embodied the qualities I couldn’t access in myself because of trauma. Feel free to share more if you like.
deedeeiny60
Registrant
Qualities you could not access because of trauma? Explain if you might please.
I was abused between ages 13 and 15, during what should have been my formative years. Because of the abuse, my nervous system couldn’t develop naturally. There was no play, no chance for normal physical development. As an adult, I often found myself strongly attracted to athletic, fit men who embodied the growth and strength I felt I had missed in myself. But once I began cultivating those same qualities in my own life, that attraction disappeared.
deedeeiny60
Registrant
Got it. From age 12 to 15 my uncle who at that time was 46 sexualy abused me. My father died at 12 bur even thought my father loved me he was not very affectionate. My uncle, actually my father's cousin, demonstrated lots of affection to me. I was in need of love and affection. In real now I know he was grooming me. But a boy hungry for affection was a good target. I rea.ly liked what he did to me not going to deny it. But at my age I could not decide otherwise. I really loved him and thought he loved me too.
Uncle was as I described above tall, big, strong. That became the object of my cravings up to now.
Uncle was as I described above tall, big, strong. That became the object of my cravings up to now.
It makes sense that, as a boy needing affection, you felt drawn to your uncle’s attention — but that doesn’t mean you consented. The responsibility was his, not yours, and it’s understandable those cravings carried forward.”
deedeeiny60
Registrant
You are right there was no effective consent given just a boy in need. And yes I'm still looking for a father figure.
This thread hits home for me. One of my abusers was a younger dark haired man with a beard. He was gentle and treated me with affection. I always had some sort of attraction for men of similar appearance. It was not even a sexual desire but just an attraction. I did not understand this until I finally got into therapy. Most of my other abusers were cruel he in his own way he was kind. I know that sounds insane- but when all the pieces came together my first thoughts were- "he was good to me". He sexually abused me so of course not good, but I felt rejected by my own father at a very young age and was an affection starved child- this gentleman showed me affection, so yes part of me could see him in a good light.
It does not sound insane to me at all. There are strong similarities with my experience. I now recognize my attractions as my nervous system’s way of adapting to trauma. That’s how I made sense of it as a child. I really appreciate your sharing, it makes me feel less alone. Unchosen and autonomous crushes on men had been the most painful trauma side effects.
Georgie
Registrant
I have one obsessive crush, but it's unrelated to my abuse. It's an actor who is the most stunningly handsome man I ever saw. He has maintained his looks as he has grown older. And he has a voice that is like a lullaby. I have watched numerous interviews with him and have never heard him say anything either crude or cruel or that I disagree with. The only thing wrong with him is he's heterosexual. He has a reputation in Hollywood (beyond his acting talent) as both an exceptionally nice man and a loving, devoted father. Maybe I see him as my own ideal for a father. 
Yes, I have had so many obsessive crushes.
Luckily, not for a long time (?...ok, not sure if I'm in one now or not...sounds stupid but I can't tell)
MO is always the same: they are straight with no chance of being Bi.
Guarantees that sex would never happen, nor would I be loved back.
I kill two birds with one stone, I never need to be intimate (SAFE!), and I replicate my relationship with my father (the "not loved back" bit)
Being aware of the dynamic never stopped it.
It's a trap I could never get out of.
I know the abuse froze me out of my body.
Yes, that sucks and is sad.
(I'm saying the following, being in a really bad headspace)
Do I really care?
I'm tired of trying, or saying I am trying.
Because honestly, whenever I go on a champaign to connect with my body and explore intimacy, I forget the mission.
Is that my subconscious redirecting me to safety, or simply a lack of real interest?
sorry, I went off topic.
Luckily, not for a long time (?...ok, not sure if I'm in one now or not...sounds stupid but I can't tell)
MO is always the same: they are straight with no chance of being Bi.
Guarantees that sex would never happen, nor would I be loved back.
I kill two birds with one stone, I never need to be intimate (SAFE!), and I replicate my relationship with my father (the "not loved back" bit)
Being aware of the dynamic never stopped it.
It's a trap I could never get out of.
I know the abuse froze me out of my body.
Yes, that sucks and is sad.
(I'm saying the following, being in a really bad headspace)
Do I really care?
I'm tired of trying, or saying I am trying.
Because honestly, whenever I go on a champaign to connect with my body and explore intimacy, I forget the mission.
Is that my subconscious redirecting me to safety, or simply a lack of real interest?
sorry, I went off topic.
Very insightful, thanks for writing.
CarbonTiger
Registrant
YES!
My abuser was normal type of person on the outside, could fit in anywhere. He was just mentally messed up. He was also probably being abused too, no excuses for him to abuse me. I was younger, thinner and more vulnerable at 6 years old. I don't know why either, but my crushes were often older men and bigger guys. I'm thankful i'm not attracted to the same type as my abuser. That would mess with my heart, when my head is already messy.
I've overcome a lot and just glad to be where i'm at in terms of my sexuality and who I am attracted too. There is still a ton of shame and catholic guilt. I think I also love very deeply and it hurts when you want to love someone even if its platonic or friendly, and they don't love you back.
Ugh
My abuser was normal type of person on the outside, could fit in anywhere. He was just mentally messed up. He was also probably being abused too, no excuses for him to abuse me. I was younger, thinner and more vulnerable at 6 years old. I don't know why either, but my crushes were often older men and bigger guys. I'm thankful i'm not attracted to the same type as my abuser. That would mess with my heart, when my head is already messy.
I've overcome a lot and just glad to be where i'm at in terms of my sexuality and who I am attracted too. There is still a ton of shame and catholic guilt. I think I also love very deeply and it hurts when you want to love someone even if its platonic or friendly, and they don't love you back.
Ugh
Captain Jigglypuff
Registrant
I had an unrequited one sided crush on my former best friend. He was straight and had a girlfriend and told me that he didn’t want to experiment having sex with men in any shape or form and I respected it. I respected the boundaries he had set up and stayed in my lane. He didn’t mind that I was gay and knew that I wasn’t going to actually do anything that he didn’t want to happen. I kept the crush part of our relationship to myself. When he abandoned me literally a week after my mom had died, it completely broke me. I just stopped caring about things because I was severely hurt that he broke his promise of always being my friend and never start hating me. That promise was the most important thing to me. Having it broken made me feel like I couldn’t trust anyone anymore since all they do to me is leave me and break their promises to me.
That's painful, I am sorry that you had to go through it.
Captain Jigglypuff
Registrant
Yeah. It took me seven years to snap out of the depression it caused me. I got evicted twice because I became too depressed and tired to clean and I didn’t see what the point was anymore. Everyone thought that I was being lazy even though I kept saying that I was so depressed that not even being evicted scared me my because I didn’t see the pint of anything anymore.
