Accepting My Reality

[JC1]

I doubt that I am going to say anything here that others have not said many times. I don't know, maybe I just expect too much from myself on this journey. Since the time that the memories of my abuse started to come back last year (after 60 years), I have stumbled, cried, felt angry, hurt, shamed...and a lot more. I have even relapsed twice in my battle with alcohol. But, things have gotten better with support here, as well as therapy. The thing is that just when I am feeling stronger and maybe more at peace with myself, more able to deal with life, my abuse rears its ugly head again. I am away from home at present, trying to help one of my children, so I am sure that stress played a role. I was able to get a lot accomplished yesterday, but last night was a night in hell. I can only describe it as a slideshow of my abuse: things done to me, things I was forced to do, the things that the abusers said to/about me. Of course, I am no stranger to any of that, but I guess I had come to a place where I thought I was gaining ground? The dreams and nightmares had subsided, and I was feeling more at peace somehow.

There's a lesson here that I suppose I need to learn, even if I don't want to? I won't ever be totally free from that abuse. I have to learn to accept it as a part of my reality and figure out ways to cope with it. It doesn't just go away. Did I think that with time and therapy the damage would go away? On one of my knees there is a scar from a fall I had as a little kid. You can still see it. This feels like that.

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

I feel you. I hear you. I could have damn near wrote this myself. Facing tough realities is painful. Part of me doesn't want to face and feel this pain, but I have no choice.
I see you're moving forward, even if it takes a step back at times.
Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you. I hope you feel better. Peace and love.

 

[Blessedcurse]

This resonates a lot with me. The realization that I can't expect of myself to be unbroken, to function as others do. It is not even obvious things like flashbacks anymore. It is some part of me getting terrified from totally normal interactions with people. Too much going on in my head all the time, no trust in anyone. And so on. More subtle things that are not on the ptsd list of symptoms but still causes a need for very careful planning. To be with friends in a cabin in the woods an not be able to drive away by myself. To be with people for too long. Open up too much. All these small things can cause me to have panic attacks and totally lose my way, getting suicidal out of overwhelming anxiety.

I am also having that realization that I will always have to moderate my expectations on myself based on how damaged I am, and there is empathy in that realization. So long I have just tried to live up to the idea of getting healed as if it was an accomplishment or even a revenge. If I excell in life I win over the abusers. But all I did was buy into their narrative, that it was up to me to not get hurt. My reality is as it is and to deny it and make plans as if I was a different person is not self caring at all. But it sucks to realize.

 

[Jack1]

@JC1 Very well said. I go through periods where I don't have flashbacks or dreams and then suddenly I'm back at it. Lately I've had fewer than ever. I think it is due to several things:
Therapy with DBT and EMDR.
Joining a recovery group for men with sexual issues.
Daily prayer and worship and understanding that God has provided salvation for me at no cost.
Accepting that things were done to me and that I went along with it. I can't change that but it is in the past. It is part of what made me who I am and I have finally gotten to the point where I like who I am.

 

[GaD3!]

Hi JC1, I can well identify with what you have shared. I have been working on all of this for many years and while things are not as bad as int the past, I still have major issues at times. At least now it is easier since I know what is happening and have much greater understanding. Often times it is like being in two places at once, or having two movies playing on the same screen at the same time- one on one half the other on the other half. One is the present, the other is parts of the abuse- both vivid. I just have to choose to focus on the present. For a while now I have been getting two separate pieces of memory playing over and over in my head- neither one good, and it did not quite make sense. While doing a relaxation type exercise in therapy, things started stirring up, driving home the pieces came together and I "saw" the whole memory- very disturbing to say the least. There are also times of peace. You mentioned the scar on your knee, or as I often say it is like experiencing a severe physical injury, one can heal from that injury, but they may also deal with affects from that initial injury for the rest of their life. It is the same for the abuse. We cannot go back in time and undo the abuse or the wounds that were inflicted upon us, all we can do is try to deal with all of it in a healthy way.

 

[Tryingtolive]

I doubt that I am going to say anything here that others have not said many times. I don't know, maybe I just expect too much from myself on this journey. Since the time that the memories of my abuse started to come back last year (after 60 years), I have stumbled, cried, felt angry, hurt, shamed...and a lot more. I have even relapsed twice in my battle with alcohol. But, things have gotten better with support here, as well as therapy. The thing is that just when I am feeling stronger and maybe more at peace with myself, more able to deal with life, my abuse rears its ugly head again. I am away from home at present, trying to help one of my children, so I am sure that stress played a role. I was able to get a lot accomplished yesterday, but last night was a night in hell. I can only describe it as a slideshow of my abuse: things done to me, things I was forced to do, the things that the abusers said to/about me. Of course, I am no stranger to any of that, but I guess I had come to a place where I thought I was gaining ground? The dreams and nightmares had subsided, and I was feeling more at peace somehow.

There's a lesson here that I suppose I need to learn, even if I don't want to? I won't ever be totally free from that abuse. I have to learn to accept it as a part of my reality and figure out ways to cope with it. It doesn't just go away. Did I think that with time and therapy the damage would go away? On one of my knees there is a scar from a fall I had as a little kid. You can still see it. This feels like that.

I think the lesson after childhood sexual abuse is trying to adjust to the childhood you thought you should have had. I was one that thought just getting it out there in therapy that it would disappear. It certainly don’t. Hell it made it a lot worse working through it. As years pass I’m learning not everyone needs to know that part of me. I’m learning to be more open with my needs. I’ve struggled with voicing my struggles. Not just abuse just normal to everyday struggles. I think I’ve muted so much of my life out to others that it’s almost shut me in a my own hole. Although I’m not healed. I’m more gentle with myself. Some days are really fucking hard just being present. Forgiving yourself and trying to make the most out of each day has helped me a bit. I also thought time would heal my wounds. I think I’ve realized how much time I’m not getting back to the life I want.

I will add. I find myself at my best when I’m around people that actually care about me. I know there’s many people in my life that I closed off to. I’m learning to accept that it’s part of life losing friends. I have a hard time when I don’t hear back from certain people. Having a core, a foundation of your own little supporters goes a long way.

 

[JC1]

Thanks for all of the comments/thoughts. I think the tough part is realizing that this crap still has the power to hit me hard. Still can bring me to tears and knock the wind out of me. Remembering every fucking detail. Makes me feel weak to think that a man my age can feel that way. The way I was brought up keeps telling me to ‘man up’ and move on. I know it just doesn’t work that way, and that is a big part of what i need to accept in all of this.

 

[GaD3!]

Thanks for all of the comments/thoughts. I think the tough part is realizing that this crap still has the power to hit me hard. Still can bring me to tears and knock the wind out of me. Remembering every fucking detail. Makes me feel weak to think that a man my age can feel that way. The way I was brought up keeps telling me to ‘man up’ and move on. I know it just doesn’t work that way, and that is a big part of what i need to accept in all of this.

You are not weak for the way you feel. We are of the same generation so I understand where you are coming from. Those wounds need to be acknowledged. One can lock them away for only so long- sooner or later they demand attention.