A Telling Timeline
One year to the day since the nightmare/flashback of the onset of my abuse invaded my life, some sixty years after the fact. Having the dream started then as just a blurry image, but it continued until it came into focus and shattered my reality. It was a vision of my rape at 7 by my brother and a cousin. And then there were more... For a time, I wasn't sure if I could make it through, or even if I wanted to. But I think my inner anger and outrage gave me a determination to not let the abusers win.
I have pretty much bounced around, hit the walls, and gone off the rails a lot, but I'm still limping along the road. I have learned so much about myself and my abuse- not that I have it all figured out.
But there is one thing I have learned that is especially important to me right now. And just know that I have zero expertise or educational background here. One of the things that has bothered me a lot has been not understanding how it was even possible that I lost all memory of my abuse for sixty years. When did that happen? And how? I know that I did not make a conscious decision about it. So in looking again at the timeline of my life, I noticed something. My abusive brother left home when I was fourteen. I remember that then in high school, those were years of torment. I have remembered that for those years, my life was miserable and unhappy. I had no one but myself and hated who I was. Spent a lot of time in my room crying. But by the time I graduated from college and started a job, I remember being the opposite. Later married and started a family, and had a successful career. And there were no thoughts or remembrance of my abuse to be found anywhere.
As I said, I am not educated about the mind, mental health, or anything like that. It occurs to me, though, that there was a time or period of time in my college years that saw those memories of abuse fade out. I don't believe it was a conscious decision, but I am wondering if my mind made that decision for me, almost as a matter of sheer survival. Because there was no other way to protect me and enable me to live. Just a thought. The other part of this is that it also occurs to me that when my abuse was more or less 'put away', so was that little boy who had to face it all. And if now it is all to be brought back to me for healing, he has to be part of that healing. And that is up to me. Haven't figured out just how to go about it, but I need to.
I have pretty much bounced around, hit the walls, and gone off the rails a lot, but I'm still limping along the road. I have learned so much about myself and my abuse- not that I have it all figured out.
But there is one thing I have learned that is especially important to me right now. And just know that I have zero expertise or educational background here. One of the things that has bothered me a lot has been not understanding how it was even possible that I lost all memory of my abuse for sixty years. When did that happen? And how? I know that I did not make a conscious decision about it. So in looking again at the timeline of my life, I noticed something. My abusive brother left home when I was fourteen. I remember that then in high school, those were years of torment. I have remembered that for those years, my life was miserable and unhappy. I had no one but myself and hated who I was. Spent a lot of time in my room crying. But by the time I graduated from college and started a job, I remember being the opposite. Later married and started a family, and had a successful career. And there were no thoughts or remembrance of my abuse to be found anywhere.
As I said, I am not educated about the mind, mental health, or anything like that. It occurs to me, though, that there was a time or period of time in my college years that saw those memories of abuse fade out. I don't believe it was a conscious decision, but I am wondering if my mind made that decision for me, almost as a matter of sheer survival. Because there was no other way to protect me and enable me to live. Just a thought. The other part of this is that it also occurs to me that when my abuse was more or less 'put away', so was that little boy who had to face it all. And if now it is all to be brought back to me for healing, he has to be part of that healing. And that is up to me. Haven't figured out just how to go about it, but I need to.