A Telling Timeline

[JC1]

One year to the day since the nightmare/flashback of the onset of my abuse invaded my life, some sixty years after the fact. Having the dream started then as just a blurry image, but it continued until it came into focus and shattered my reality. It was a vision of my rape at 7 by my brother and a cousin. And then there were more... For a time, I wasn't sure if I could make it through, or even if I wanted to. But I think my inner anger and outrage gave me a determination to not let the abusers win.
I have pretty much bounced around, hit the walls, and gone off the rails a lot, but I'm still limping along the road. I have learned so much about myself and my abuse- not that I have it all figured out.

But there is one thing I have learned that is especially important to me right now. And just know that I have zero expertise or educational background here. One of the things that has bothered me a lot has been not understanding how it was even possible that I lost all memory of my abuse for sixty years. When did that happen? And how? I know that I did not make a conscious decision about it. So in looking again at the timeline of my life, I noticed something. My abusive brother left home when I was fourteen. I remember that then in high school, those were years of torment. I have remembered that for those years, my life was miserable and unhappy. I had no one but myself and hated who I was. Spent a lot of time in my room crying. But by the time I graduated from college and started a job, I remember being the opposite. Later married and started a family, and had a successful career. And there were no thoughts or remembrance of my abuse to be found anywhere.

As I said, I am not educated about the mind, mental health, or anything like that. It occurs to me, though, that there was a time or period of time in my college years that saw those memories of abuse fade out. I don't believe it was a conscious decision, but I am wondering if my mind made that decision for me, almost as a matter of sheer survival. Because there was no other way to protect me and enable me to live. Just a thought. The other part of this is that it also occurs to me that when my abuse was more or less 'put away', so was that little boy who had to face it all. And if now it is all to be brought back to me for healing, he has to be part of that healing. And that is up to me. Haven't figured out just how to go about it, but I need to.

 

[GaD3!]

I have been told by therapists, that one dissociates- as you understand it, it is a survival mechanism that the brain utilizes to protect oneself from the trauma which allows them go about life. As you know that can be the case for only so long, sooner or later those memories demand to be acknowledged and dealt with. In your case it was later in life than is the average age, which is around age 50. Of course for some it happens much earlier and others never have a time that they don't remember the abuse.

About the little boy-that has been the topic of threads in the past. That seems to be the case that we have to connect with that part of us during the healing process.

 

[OpeningUp]

JC1

Thank you for your post - I was wondering the same thing. I am 54 and have been in therapy for about a year after some major flashbacks that occurred about at the beginning of 2024. I've always wondered the same thing. Why didn't I tell anyone when I was 10?

 

[smc1972]

I have pretty much bounced around, hit the walls, and gone off the rails a lot, but I'm still limping along the road. I have learned so much about myself and my abuse- not that I have it all figured out.

I think a lot of us can say the same or like m well off the road at finding myself stuck in mud. But like you said still limping along which is key. t i not fare that you were abused and have to deal with it all 60 years later. It took me until i was in my late 40’s and to have it come up and even then it was not everything just bit and still a lo of denial on my part in particular about my mom.

I am learning how amazing the brain is in how it protects and does things. I was reading a thing today an about how memories are not stored in a singular sport as a whole for the event. Instead it is fragmented to different areas of the brain. Music in one place, smells in another, image somewhere else and etc for the senses. Why we have been triggered at times before we understand why because the brain jut recalled the fragment not the whole story. Like a certain smell can cause one to be heightened like on edge. It is tide to the abuse but we do not have everything to put it all together. Then for some reason it decides to start letting things come together or become more retrievable. I hav heard a major event in life can cause this to occur. I think there is something to that because mine started a year or so after my dad passed away. He was not one of the people to physically or sexually abuse me but emotionally yes and financially later on yes.

I am wondering if my mind made that decision for me, almost as a matter of sheer survival.

yes I think so. From the time of the abuse even into adulthood. My T has repeatedly told me that our brains are hard wired for survival form the day we are born. Like a baby in a pool knows not to breath if they go under water it is just instinct. I mean how else would they know they were not taught that but we all did. Knowing these things has helped me better understand things. Again when the brain feels it is the right time it is the right time I guess.

occurs to me that when my abuse was more or less 'put away', so was that little boy who had to face it all. And if now it is all to be brought back to me for healing, he has to be part of that healing. And that is up to me. Haven't figured out just how to go about it, but I need to

You are correct. This was something I did not understand. This inner child or your younger self that people spoke about. I was like that is not me I do not have that in me at all. All I can say is it jut hit me one day during a therapy session. There was this 12yo boy that came in to my mind that i could see had all the feelings and sadness did as a kid and I coudl not help but to reach out to him to comfort him. Again I was never ever expecting something like that. I have three younger ones from different age groups. The last is the youngest the 6yo. When my mom sold the hose we grew up in and they wanted me to come back to help move some things I did not want t go. Yet I had this intense feeling inside that I have to. I told my T that that I just feel so strongly that there is something there something in my room in my closet that I have to go and see or find. It was me, that 6yo sitting in the back corner of the closet with the lights out. That time there and that hit me the hardest and I believe it is where I truly was just devastated by everything. But you cant leave that small boy sitting there scared in the dark.

Long way to say I believe he is there inside of you wanting for the right time to be seen and i guess rescued.

As @GaD3! Wrote about, we have to connect with that part of us during the healing process.

 

[Jack1]

I find this thread topic to be very interesting. From the time the flashbacks and dreams started about 12 years ago I had serious doubts that the CSA really happened. Even after years of individual and group therapy including EMDR, I couldn't be sure it was true. I think part of it was that I didn't want to believe it and partly it was the many hazy and sometimes horrific recollections. Gradually it became much clearer but still I wasn't really convinced that I had been sexually abused. Each time I recalled a childhood incident I found reason to doubt its validity.

TRIGGER WARNING Then recently I had a flashback of an event when I was eleven that was so clear, so real, that I couldn't doubt it. And surprisingly it was not the grand recollection that I thought would cement my belief that "stuff" happened. It wasn't even frightening or triggering. I remembered being on my hands and knees and was handed a mirror and told to hold it down between my legs so I could see the penis sliding in and out of my anus. That was it. I can clearly recall that event like it was yesterday. As the flashback happened I could also physically feel exactly what it felt like, the penetration, the awkward position of holding myself steady with one hand while reaching down and adjusting the angle of the mirror until I could see the sodomy as it happened, the amazement that my small body could accept such a large member and how good it felt. From ten years of sexual abuse, this one memory validated everything that I remember happening to me as a young boy.

I no longer have any doubts. They did do all those things to me. And I survived it all.

 

[Life changed at Nine]

I have been told by therapists, that one dissociates- as you understand it, it is a survival mechanism that the brain utilizes to protect oneself from the trauma which allows them go about life. As you know that can be the case for only so long, sooner or later those memories demand to be acknowledged and dealt with. In your case it was later in life than is the average age, which is around age 50. Of course for some it happens much earlier and others never have a time that they don't remember the abuse.

Count me as one that never has a time that I don"t remember. Its as much a part of me as being right handed or having greenish brown eyes.It shifts over time how impactful,how prevalant the thoughts are. But probably never been an wakeful hour that I didn't think about it.

 

[JC1]

Thank you,guys, for sharing your thoughts with me. It really helps to hear your take on this. The story just keeps unfolding, and every bit of insight and understanding helps me to keep going!

 

[little_boy_lost]

When we are very stressed like that which occurs in a traumatic event the body does several things. The amygdala, which controls fear reponse, and anger goes haywire, the hippocampus which is for memory formation gets supressed because of this and and increase in cortisol puts stress on the prefrontal cortex which can cause dissociation. These all lead to problems in forming memory or fragmented memory. That's why we forget or have flashbacks that are fragmented of one particular moment of trauma. Over time, trauma can shrink the hippocampus which can give suvivors of ongoing abuse memory loss in short and long term. That is one reason why repressed memories of childhood trauma usually don't appear until the early 30s.