A question for middle-aged men and older

A question for middle-aged men and older
F

farfromhome

Registrant
I have a question for the over-40 men in the forum: I have seen posts here and there describing the emergence of previously-suppressed memories. I'm 40 myself and haven't experienced the same thing, in the sense that the events in my memories weren't forgotten so much as just things I intentionally didn't talk about (in many cases I never told anyone until very, very recently). But I also know that my abuser (my father) is very seriously ill with a degenerative condition and will likely die in the next few years.

What I'm wondering is: for those of you around my age or older, did you find that deaths and significant life events triggered the re-emergence of memories? It's not like I want this to happen, but I know how disruptive it can be in my life and I'm worried that more of this stuff is going to bubble back up.

I was so ashamed of what happened (and in the case of something that my dad did to me at age 11, I very much knew in the moment that this was different, that he was molesting me, and that this was the stuff they told us about in school). But I hadn't thought about it in decades, and even at age 11 I knew that I simply could not tell anyone. And I guess I just resolved to never think about it or speak about it again, until that became impossible.
 
Absolutely!! It’s actually very common for deaths, anniversaries, or other major life events to stir up old memories — even ones we thought we had left behind. The man who got me into the business is actively dying. It is stirring a hornet’s net in the brain. When you go through something significant, your brain often goes into a reflective or emotionally heightened state. That can act like a “bridge” back to earlier periods of your life, sometimes even unlocking memories that had been tucked away. For us with trauma histories, this can include both clear recollections and more subtle sensory or emotional flashbacks. Journaling, talking to survivors and a therapist can help. It is another storm we have to weather.
 
farfromhome said:
What I'm wondering is: for those of you around my age or older, did you find that deaths and significant life events triggered the re-emergence of memories?
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It certainly did for me. I hadn't even given my abuser a second thought until I learned he had died when I was in my late 20s. But the memories of him were only fond ones about how much I admired him. It took almost another 40 years and an emotional break down before I could recognize him as an abuser.
 
I didn't start having strong memories return until my brother, one of my main abusers, passed away 16 years ago. Then they came back in an avalanche.When my father, my original abuser, passed away 17 years prior to my brothers death I didn't have an awakening concerning being molested. In fact I suppressed the memory of my father and all the other men who abused until about one year ago when it came out in therapy.

One thing is well known, we often won't remember things that were emotionally painful until our inner self feels safe enough to reveal the memory.
 
It's common for survivor to hope their pain will instantly lift when an abuser dies, only to discover their trauma symptoms remain. This happens for several key reasons:

Unprocessed trauma: Even with an abuser gone, the underlying trauma remains. Years of abuse leave deep imprints on the mind and body that don't automatically resolve when the abuser dies. Healing requires intentional processing of those complex wounds.

Grief and conflicting emotions: The death of an abusive parent is complex. It's natural to feel grief alongside relief, as they were still your parents. This confusion can stir up unresolved pain rather than providing instant relief.

Loss of closure or justice: An abuser's death can rob survivors of opportunities for confrontation, closure, or legal justice. This can amplify feelings of powerlessness and injustice.

Habitual trauma responses: Chronic abuse wires the brain and body for hypervigilance, dissociation, PTSD. Those patterns don't disappear overnight. It takes time and work to rewire those automatic responses.

Secondary losses: An abuser's death can bring losses like loss of shared family memories, loss of hopes for reconciliation, or loss of your remaining family unit. Secondary losses add another layer of grief.

Facing the aftermath: An abuser's death means finally facing the full reality and pain of the abuse head-on. Without the distraction of an ongoing threat, survivors are left to process the devastating impact on their lives.

Be patient with yourself. Healing is a long-term process, not a singular event. Their deaths were one step, but there is still grief work to do around everything you endured. This is a tough but important part of your healing journey. You're unraveling years of knots.

Biologically speaking, we were never intended to live this long. Historically, this is true if you look at human history. So as our bodies begin to break down, not fall apart, but begin to change physiologically, our brains also go through changes. One of those changes may be a breakdown in the inhibitions, the walls we built when the trauma took plac,e that helped us to function in society or just plain survive the abuse.

This goes for sexual abuse or other types of abusive situations, prompting us to deal with them because they can no longer be ignored. This isn't a proven fact, mind you, just a theory that I think makes sense.
 
I guess I am fortunate in that I never suppressed the memories. They were with me from the day the abuse happened. My abusers died 16 and 13 years ago and, with their deaths, I just said "good riddance."
 
Georgie said:
I guess I am fortunate in that I never suppressed the memories. They were with me from the day the abuse happened. My abusers died 16 and 13 years ago and, with their deaths, I just said "good riddance."
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I have plenty of memories that have been with me the whole time (especially as regards the physical abuse, which happened mostly in the daytime), and to be honest with you I don't feel anything but contempt for my dad. He was so cruel and vindictive with me as a child and as a teen, he molested me in order to humiliate me and to make me feel worthless, and seeing him in such a degraded and powerless state just makes me feel embarrassed to have ever been hurt by him.

If anything, the reason I ask is solely because I am concerned that this kind of returning surge of memories would be so disruptive to my ability to be a good husband and father. Sometimes the shame and self-hatred I experience feels unbearable. I really do not want to remember any more of those moments than I already do, but I realize the memories may come back regardless.
 
I never forgot what happened, but after a high school reunion which was horrible for me, the significance of what happened and its effects on me hit me like a truck.
 
I am 60. In my late 20's I chose to bury it all away, and to avoid thinking or talking about my life before then so I could try and give a 3rd marriage a real try. Till recently I thought it had worked. Then I read about yet another priest in my home town added to the lengthy list of credible abusers that were involved in my high school's scandal. That is when the wall I built came crashing down and I've been overwhelmed it seems since.
 
I am not sure this the answer you are hoping to hear, but I think it is an important one. I was 50 when someone at work who was gaslighting me opened up my trauma box. For me it was not a box full of suppressed memories, although there were quite a few, what there was, was a reconnection of emotions to the stories. The stories of my past, the memories became real, and emotional. With frashbacks, dreams and memories of the trauma all being real, stories in my head with no emotion attached to them were real, with feelings, sounds, tastes, and smells. I had no way to process these, no way to take one piece of my CSA out and unpack, process it and put it way properly, it was all layer out in front of me as though I had vomited it up. It took me a hospital stay, two solid year of weekly therapy to be able to just function. Eight years on I am OK I am working and an an active member of my family, I would say I am about 75% of the person I was before my breakdown, but that is enough for me.

So why do I think this is important, If you are struggling with you past, seek the help and support you need. Process your experiences in your time and one piece at a time. Process whilst your farther is still alive so he, or at least acknowledging his illness some of him, is still there if you need him to be. In my experience and I believe many here surprising or ignoring you past trauma does not work, it only builds pressure that you need to process, once it start leaking out and impacting your daily life it needs to be managed and processed.

You are a survivor, and you are amongst understanding friends, may you find peace, may you find health and may you find happiness.
 
Repressed trauma memories of abuse is very real. The mind is a powerful tool for survival. Sometimes almost too good at what it does, or decides to do, against our own will.

Remember: "This too will pass"

It has got me through some heavy storms in life.
 
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This morning as I was waking up I was having a dream. In the dream I was talking to myself, it was dark and I held up a lantern. I was talking about how I knew there were other secrets out there that I had buried long ago. Secrets that were buried so deep they might never see the light of day. Secrets that might be locked away for good. I continued talking about how I wouldn't ever find the awful secrets. I was looking out into the darkness past the light of the lantern and suddenly a face appeared from the dark gloom. It scared me so much I shut off the lantern and woke up frightened.

In my usual dreams I never see peoples faces. I know who they are but I don't see anyone's face. That made this dream all the more frightening.
 
Jack1 said:
This morning as I was waking up I was having a dream. In the dream I was talking to myself, it was dark and I held up a lantern. I was talking about how I knew there were other secrets out there that I had buried long ago. Secrets that were buried so deep they might never see the light of day. Secrets that might be locked away for good. I continued talking about how I wouldn't ever find the awful secrets. I was looking out into the darkness past the light of the lantern and suddenly a face appeared from the dark gloom. It scared me so much I shut off the lantern and woke up frightened.

In my usual dreams I never see peoples faces. I know who they are but I don't see anyone's face. That made this dream all the more frightening.
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Romans 13:12
The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.
 
farfromhome said:
I have a question for the over-40 men in the forum: I have seen posts here and there describing the emergence of previously-suppressed memories. I'm 40 myself and haven't experienced the same thing, in the sense that the events in my memories weren't forgotten so much as just things I intentionally didn't talk about (in many cases I never told anyone until very, very recently). But I also know that my abuser (my father) is very seriously ill with a degenerative condition and will likely die in the next few years.

What I'm wondering is: for those of you around my age or older, did you find that deaths and significant life events triggered the re-emergence of memories? It's not like I want this to happen, but I know how disruptive it can be in my life and I'm worried that more of this stuff is going to bubble back up.

I was so ashamed of what happened (and in the case of something that my dad did to me at age 11, I very much knew in the moment that this was different, that he was molesting me, and that this was the stuff they told us about in school). But I hadn't thought about it in decades, and even at age 11 I knew that I simply could not tell anyone. And I guess I just resolved to never think about it or speak about it again, until that became impossible.
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I first want to say that I DO believe that deaths and major life events certainly do trigger memories. But, I may be the odd man out here. My abuse occurred from ages 7-14. One of the things I struggle with and do not understand is that at some point, all memory of the abuse from my brother and his friends that happened for years disappeared. I don't know how, and I can't put my finger on exactly when. It just did. As for my brother, all that I remember is that for as long as he lived, I never wanted to be anywhere near him. It was nearly sixty years before the memory of my abuse started to come back. There was nothing at all, as far as I can see, that triggered it.I was happily retired, children all grown, 'living the life'. It started with a recurring nightmare that at first was vague and blurry, which was a dream about my rape at 7. It filled in more and more and then the floodgates opened. I still am getting more 'fragments' as time passes. I know that may not match most other people's experience, so I speak only for myself. It may also be that there was something that acted as a trigger that I still don't see.
 
I've had the thought in the last week or so that perhaps my increased feeling of vulnerability may be to blame some for the return of all these memories. Losing a quarter of my body weight, the lack of mobility and feeling of frailty I now have from my back injury, contributing to this feeling that safety is being eroded. I've never really felt I was a fighter, but now I feel even less able to defend myself.
 
Coyotejack said:
I've had the thought in the last week or so that perhaps my increased feeling of vulnerability may be to blame some for the return of all these memories. Losing a quarter of my body weight, the lack of mobility and feeling of frailty I now have from my back injury, contributing to this feeling that safety is being eroded. I've never really felt I was a fighter, but now I feel even less able to defend myself.
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Yes I can relate to this, I find not have control or being able to move forward in any given situation triggering. I know I personally not like to have to rely on others for anything, whether at work or more generally. The idea of frailty or lose of auto my would be really challenging for me. I know my breakdown way case by an inability to resolve the situation I was in. Finder a solution an alternative a work around for these blockages was the key for me. I just because I didn’t have the tools to solve my own problem did not mean the answer weren’t out their, I just need the right help to address the issues. As we say every day here you are not alone, the help is there when you ask the right person the question.
 
I'll be 40 soon. I noticed in my early thirties is when I started having intense flashbacks and PTSD related symptoms. I broke my back when I was 36 and I think maybe my weakened state started to trigger things more for me. I fractured a vertabrea, nothing major. I've always known something happened. When I was 14 and sexually assaulted again, it brought back some of my childhood, but I didn't have relatively good memories of it until my mid-twenties. I told my family then. And since then I've been trying to work with therapy to recover more memories. I think maybe my divorce when I was 31 may have contributed to me starting to remember more.
 
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