Unresolved, irrational guilt

Unresolved, irrational guilt
C

crisispoint

Registrant
I guess it's the Catholic in me. Guilt, whether deserved or no, dominates my life.

I still feel pangs of guilt, of responsability about my abuse and rapes, both as a child and as an adult. Not my fault, I know, and I believe that, but some days, man, it's hard to deal with.

And, while going through my old PM's, I found an old one from our late brother, Jay M.

God.

It hurt. It still hurts, and probably always will.

It's not my responsability, but I feel sometimes that if I could've reached him, said the one more "right" thing, he'd still be here. That he wouldn't have committed suicide. I feel like I failed still, and it's not my fault. I still feel like it is, though.

*sigh*

I know, you guys have told me, that I matter, that I make sense and I've made a difference here. My therapist tells me I do good work as a volunteer and an ESL instructor, but I still feel it isn't enough. That as long as I fail in some way, that I'm a loser, that I always will be a loser.

Will I?

I don't know, but I do know this. I make mistakes. I'm human. However, the mistakes aren't the sum total of who I am.

I'm flawed. I'm a good person, though. I don't go out to hurt people willingly. I try to help people. I try to do the right thing. I screw up, sure, but hopefully, the only person I hurt through that is me and I learn something through it.

Funny, I just read an old issue of "Ultimate Spider-man" (the new relaunch of the character) and Nick Fury said something that I try to keep in my head every day. "At the end of the day, ask yourself, 'did I do something good today?' And if the answer is yes, good. And if the anser is no, well, do better tomorrow."

Words to live by.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot I am a Catholic too. And yes I remember when every damned thing I did was a sin. God is love and I wish that those men who run the church's all remember that. Love thy fellow man. I think every religion has this at its core. But look how church leaders, politicians, and fanatics twist it to suit their own purposes.

I tell you Scot it is not a sin to be human and it is definitely not a sin to wrong.

You are a good man. Write this down on a piece of paper and keep it in your wallet.

"I am a good man and I do the best I can. I deserve all the good that happens to me"

Say it like a rosary and it will come to pass. When in doubt take it out and read it out loud to yourself. Learned behavior my brother.
 
Scot,

Could it be some kind of perfectionsim, some demand on yourself by yourself that you never, ever be caught off guard again? That is the kind of thing that haunts me more than my Catholicism. What the good IHM sisters drilled into my head from the Baltimore Catechism was "God loves you." Pretty radical notion for the 1960s.
I feel like I failed still, and it's not my fault. I still feel like it is, though.
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It's so hard to shake feelings like that. Learning and knowing and reading and writing seem to just scratch the surface. It's such a long way from our heads to our hearts. I like Mike's suggestion that practice will make perfect, though.
I know, you guys have told me, that I matter, that I make sense and I've made a difference here. My therapist tells me I do good work as a volunteer and an ESL instructor, but I still feel it isn't enough. That as long as I fail in some way, that I'm a loser, that I always will be a loser.
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But when you see someone here who thanks you for your help as they make progress in their recovery, or someone back in the "real world" who's improving their life with the English they've learned, would you take credit for their work? No, you'd be out there with a handshake, a pat on the back, a high five, a ((hug)). What about a guy lurking here today, finding this site for the first time and considering breaking a decades-long silence? He can read something you've written that speaks to his pain and then can know that there is a place where someone will understand. If that guy still can't post today, your good contribution is not erased. It's so true that it's cliche: Each of us has to go on our own path at our own pace.

Stop and think about it for a moment. The truth is that you do much more good for many more people than you probably realize.

Thanks, and that's not cliche.

Joe
 
Scot - I wanted to respond to all of your message, but I'm a bit low on energy (not negative, just tired).

*Most of the good things we do, we don't really know about until after the event!(MY QUOTE)

You know that you are not responsible for the abuse that was done to you (you also sound so much more positive than you did when I first posted here *Dec 2003)....I also know that about myself, and am trying to stop kicking myself about it...most days I succeed.

Your support for others is excellent and you need to believe that....supporting others through ESL is excellent & I'm sure that those individuals appreciate you.

JAY - I don't know what conversations the 2 of you had, but you obviously cared for him greatly.... you cannot be responsible for where he is now! I have lost several friends over the years - drugs / accidents & self harm...wish they were all back with me, but there really is nothing I can do to change it...wish there was.

Please keep caring for everyone else, but remember to care for yourself first.

best wishes ...Rik
 
Scot,

Brian-Z made a quote in one of his posts here recently, that said 'Character is who you are in the dark' (sorry if that is not exactly right, but that was the idea of it). Scot, in the light, in the dark, wherever, your character is fine.

My girlfriend, her father killed himself in front of her when she was 6 years old. To this day, she still carries a degree of guilt with her. However, she is also able to speak rationally of how one person can NOT save another person from suicide if that is what they choose. Unless the suicidal person is extremely debilitated or stupid, there will be a way they can succeed at their attempt. Just as a person can not make another person kill themself, they can not save that person if they are determined either. It is a horrible thing, but it is a fact of life.

I think that the abuse we all have suffered is such a shameful thing, and god knows the abusers do NOT take on the shame of having done it. It lingers there, and so, we pick it up. And we carry it with us until we can pick up something to take it's place. We have the need to feel something, and that is currently what we have. You have to replace that guilt with something positive. of course, so do I and everyone else here. (I didn't say it was going to be easy!)

I wish you good luck, and good thoughts on yourself. You are worthy of better Scot.

Leosha
 
Scot,

It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.
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And you are a good and helpful person.

You do provide a great amount of support and help to many. It is up to the individual to accept which you provide them. No matter how much we want them to and how much we give; we cannot help those that do not want to be helped, nor can we take away their pain for them.

Take care,
Bill
 
I believe that there will come a day, for many of us, when we can move past a lot of the guilt that was pressed upon us.

Unfortunately for many of us, today is not that day.

However, any man who can quote Ultimate Spiderman cannot be bad.

Feel better my friend and remember much of the guilt you carry isn't your own. If you can let some of that sh!t spill out of your bucket and on to the floor.
 
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