Unnecessary physical exams as compulsive self-punishment (TRIGGERS)

[SoccerStar]

I don't know if this belongs here or in the main survivors forum. Triggers for all sorts of sexual stuff, medical / health stuff, possible self-harm. I can't believe I am saying this at all. 13 years here, never said it. Much longer with various therapists, including some very good, never told them.

Beginning around age 16, I'd start to have panic attacks and spiraling catastrophic thoughts about penile or testicular health problems. That I must have cancer down there or some other terrible flaw. Every twinge I felt, every bump no matter how small, every freckle, they were all symptoms of something. Or I'd straight up imagine symptoms into existing and be unable to stop imagining them until I had been officially cleared by a doctor (and then they'd be gone... until the next cycle). These are things that most 16, 18, 20, 21, 22, etc. etc. year-old guys do not do at all, let alone multiple times per year. By now I have had well over a dozen doctors, total visits for this purpose probably close to 100. Always worried that something was wrong, something wasn't working, TELL ME IT'S OKAY. And before they could tell me it was okay, they'd always have to some painful, invasive exam. Depending on where I'd imagined the problem was, this would involve either the "ball-stretcher" exam or the rectal exam, or both.

I know there are fetishes about everything and some guys certainly fetishize getting that type of exam. I do not fetishize it and never have, THAT'S THE WEIRD PART, that's why I'm writing all this down. If it were some dirty confusing fantasy that embarrassed me, I'd "get it." I am VERY familiar with sexual fantasies that focus on pain, fear, and suffering... older men hurting and abusing me... I go that way willingly, I accept it as part of myself, no more denial. But here's the thing: medical exams are NOT among them. Never. There is no thrill or reward. I do not look forward to this, do not fantasize about it, do not want some imaginary version that is bad but also good. Both in reality and my thoughts it is totally repulsive and I hate it. My current doc has a bad technique and he really hurts me, to the point of tears and lingering soreness for days after. I can compare him to many others over the years, nobody ever made it hurt nearly as bad as him. Yet I haven't switched him, he is still my doc. I wish it didn't hurt that bad. When I find myself having to go, every time I hope it won't hurt but it does.

Believe me, I wish I did enjoy this, I wish it got me off, even in my head, then I would understand. It does not feel like a sex thing, it feels more like bulimia or self-cutting or skin-peeling. It feels like me doing this repeatedly in my teens and 20s when there was no imaginable justification should have been a huge red flag for campus health services, as bad as doctor-shopping for oxy is seen now. Can't believe I wrote this all. I don't want to go back into therapy just for an answer to this one thing but after all these years I just wanted to get it out somehow. Thank you to anyone who read.

 

[GaD3!]

There is no reason why a doctor examination of your genital region and or prostate should be that painful. They should not be hurting your testicles, it is not that difficult to detect an abnormality and if there was one a testicular ultra sound would be in order. Prostate exams can be a bit uncomfortable, but it should not be painful as you describe

I did see one doctor who purposely did hurt me. My youngest one was with me and at the time he was 18 months old he told my son-" I am not going to hurt your dad", then added," yeah right." Well the son of a bitch then proceeded to jab my prostate while telling me "most men can't stand this". I was bent over the table with my pants down and it hurt like heck. I should have decked him! All the other doctors I have seen were gentle and yes at times it may have been uncomfortable but never painful. You need to find a different doctor. Either he absolutely does not know what the hell he is doing or he is purposely trying to hurt you. It is not that difficult to detect testicular abnormalities and yes prostate exams are not fun but if done properly they should not be painful as you describe. I had a hernia 45 years ago and ever since there has been pain at times, also I always have blood in my urine, so I have been checked down there numerous times.

There are somatic memories- the body remembers the sensations and one can experience them, so pain presents with no physical reason for the pain. You may want to check this out. You mention this has been going on since you were a teenager along with the panic attacks etc. Those issues are not normal and certainly can be and should be addressed in therapy. (with a trauma informed therapist- one trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues). You say you have never told a T, as with a doctor they cannot help you if they don't know there is a problem. Time to address these issues! Please take good care, and find another doctor.

 

[SoccerStar]

Thank you so much for replying, especially since you included a disturbingly relevant detail. The positioning and the joking. I am sorry you had that experience you described and it hits strangely close to home in this case.

I have had way more than my fair share of prostate exams and every single other time I would be lying flat on my side on an exam table. ONLY with my current doc am I standing bent over a chair, and ONLY with him did he joke about it - the first two times he did it, both times he said "And now I get my running start--" as he approached me and did it. He also asks me every time "Does that hurt?" and I always choke out "Yes!" - this has never happened with any other doctor, it never seemed necessary, because as you said, even "very unpleasant / uncomfortable" is different from real stabbing pain. He has a pleasant enough attitude when not in those exact moments but it is really suspiciously different from all the many many others I have had.

Appreciate the suggestion re: body memories... I will consider that, but now I'll be sure to get a different doctor. Thank you again.

 

[GaD3!]

Thank you so much for replying, especially since you included a disturbingly relevant detail. The positioning and the joking. I am sorry you had that experience you described and it hits strangely close to home in this case.

I have had way more than my fair share of prostate exams and every single other time I would be lying flat on my side on an exam table. ONLY with my current doc am I standing bent over a chair, and ONLY with him did he joke about it - the first two times he did it, both times he said "And now I get my running start--" as he approached me and did it. He also asks me every time "Does that hurt?" and I always choke out "Yes!" - this has never happened with any other doctor, it never seemed necessary, because as you said, even "very unpleasant / uncomfortable" is different from real stabbing pain. He has a pleasant enough attitude when not in those exact moments but it is really suspiciously different from all the many many others I have had.

Appreciate the suggestion re: body memories... I will consider that, but now I'll be sure to get a different doctor. Thank you again.

You are very welcome, and glad to hear that you will be looking for a new doctor. Take care.

 

[FatThor]

I don't know if this belongs here or in the main survivors forum. Triggers for all sorts of sexual stuff, medical / health stuff, possible self-harm. I can't believe I am saying this at all. 13 years here, never said it. Much longer with various therapists, including some very good, never told them.

Beginning around age 16, I'd start to have panic attacks and spiraling catastrophic thoughts about penile or testicular health problems. That I must have cancer down there or some other terrible flaw. Every twinge I felt, every bump no matter how small, every freckle, they were all symptoms of something. Or I'd straight up imagine symptoms into existing and be unable to stop imagining them until I had been officially cleared by a doctor (and then they'd be gone... until the next cycle). These are things that most 16, 18, 20, 21, 22, etc. etc. year-old guys do not do at all, let alone multiple times per year. By now I have had well over a dozen doctors, total visits for this purpose probably close to 100. Always worried that something was wrong, something wasn't working, TELL ME IT'S OKAY. And before they could tell me it was okay, they'd always have to some painful, invasive exam. Depending on where I'd imagined the problem was, this would involve either the "ball-stretcher" exam or the rectal exam, or both.

I know there are fetishes about everything and some guys certainly fetishize getting that type of exam. I do not fetishize it and never have, THAT'S THE WEIRD PART, that's why I'm writing all this down. If it were some dirty confusing fantasy that embarrassed me, I'd "get it." I am VERY familiar with sexual fantasies that focus on pain, fear, and suffering... older men hurting and abusing me... I go that way willingly, I accept it as part of myself, no more denial. But here's the thing: medical exams are NOT among them. Never. There is no thrill or reward. I do not look forward to this, do not fantasize about it, do not want some imaginary version that is bad but also good. Both in reality and my thoughts it is totally repulsive and I hate it. My current doc has a bad technique and he really hurts me, to the point of tears and lingering soreness for days after. I can compare him to many others over the years, nobody ever made it hurt nearly as bad as him. Yet I haven't switched him, he is still my doc. I wish it didn't hurt that bad. When I find myself having to go, every time I hope it won't hurt but it does.

Believe me, I wish I did enjoy this, I wish it got me off, even in my head, then I would understand. It does not feel like a sex thing, it feels more like bulimia or self-cutting or skin-peeling. It feels like me doing this repeatedly in my teens and 20s when there was no imaginable justification should have been a huge red flag for campus health services, as bad as doctor-shopping for oxy is seen now. Can't believe I wrote this all. I don't want to go back into therapy just for an answer to this one thing but after all these years I just wanted to get it out somehow. Thank you to anyone who read.

That took a lot of courage to write. What you’re describing sounds like your body and mind are still trying to make sense of deep fear and loss of control from the past. The cycle of panic, needing reassurance, and enduring painful exams makes sense in that context—it’s like a way of trying to prove you’re safe, even though it keeps hurting you. You’re right that it’s not about fetish or wanting pain. It’s more like your system trying to replay something it never got closure from. You’ve done a lot of self-awareness already by noticing the pattern. If you ever decide to return to therapy, that level of insight would give you a strong place to start.