(Trigger Warning) I can’t shake the shame of how I coped with masturbation

[drc629]

I’ve been feeling lately like I need to get this off my chest to other men and not just my female T… I still hold so much shame for the almost daily masturbation and porn use that marred my young teenage and young adult years trying to cope with what I couldn’t understand. I would touch myself in similar ways to what I experienced and watch gay porn that was so degrading and scary for a young 13-14 year old boy to be watching. The things that would be said in these videos and the reinforcement that I should believe them about myself and feel the shame and disgust still stick with me today. I can’t shake feeling like I’m not worth anything except being used for sex. Oftentimes I feel so disconnected and less than a man when I look at other men in public and just think about them being dominating and me being a scared little boy who they’ll use for their own pleasure.

I’m not sure where I wanted to go with this, I guess I just need other men to know that I touched myself in shameful ways to cope with what I’ve experienced and I feel like not enough of a man for it everyday. I want to feel like it’s okay and other men don’t look at me and see my scars and shame all over me for it. I want to feel accepted and feel compassion from other men that it wasn’t my fault to do such shameful things to myself.

 

[Silly]

@drc629 first off, welcome to MS. I'm sorry for the reasons you're here, but I hope you find some comfort and healing here among others who understand.

Early abuses hijacked our brains... setting an arousal template that otherwise wouldn't/shouldn't have been set. That set us up for this guilt trip we put on ourselves about the things we did/do to try to make sense of the things that were done to us. You are not alone in feeling this way. What was paramount is that you survived - there's no need to second guess the way you coped with it - you survived.

A bit of grace and self-compassion is what I think you should gift yourself. Declare today "be good to me" day. You deserve it... we all do. I certainly wouldn't think of you as "less than" because of what you experienced and how you managed to keep going.

*steps off soap-box*

Take gentle care. I hope you feel better today.

 

[drc629]

Thank you whole heartedly for this! Even just reading another man saying directly to me “I wouldn’t think of you as less than” feels like an enormous weight lifted, at least for today while my brain believes it!

 

[GaD3!]

Teenagers masturbate, that is normal, and now with the ease of access, porn use is also very common. It is common for survivors to masturbate and view porn similar to the type of abuse they endured. It is not shameful that you did this, as you have stated and know- it was in response the wounds inflicted upon you. What is shameful (evil) is a better word is that you an innocent child were sexually abused. Any and all shame or guilt belongs to whoever abused you, not you. I know it is not easy to internalize this but, it is the truth, so try to embrace this truth.

You are NOT less of a man because of the abuse or the masturbation/ porn. It is very easy to judge our younger selves from our adult point of view, and it is completely unjust to do so. Please try to show yourself the compassion you deserve not the unjust condemnation. I am sure, 99.9% of the other men you see either masturbate or have done so. It is that common. You are not a bad or shameful person. You are a wounded man, you are a survivor. You are trying to get help- you are working with a therapist. There is hope, embrace and cling to the hope. You are not alone here- we your brother survivors care and understand and we are here for you. Remember you are not less of a man nor are you shameful. Please take good care.

 

[LittleSteve]

Not only are you not less of a man, just the fact that you’re here looking for answers and that you survived shows how strong a man you really are. One in six men have been abused like you, so when you’re looking at those other men you think are so dominant count six of them and one of them is just like you. It takes incredible strength for a man to be able to acknowledge what you survived.

The fact that you responded to watching porn and masturbating are perfectly normal, even for guys who are not abused. It’s extremely common for us to reenact, and fantasize about the things that happened to us. My abuse happened 60 years ago and I spent my entire lifetime reenacting it in attempt to get closure without understanding it at all.

Read some of the stories here and you’ll see that we’re just like you, you’re not less of a man, you’re a man who has gone through some extremely difficult things and you survived that doesn’t make you less. That makes you strong.

We’re allbrother’s here, even though our stories and circumstances were different the feelings and all of that are very similar. I hope you take the time to read some of the other guys stories and understand that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal for what you went through. If you had cancer, would do you think of yourself as less for having had cancer. Probably not, you’re not less of a man because of this or because how you responded.

 

[allowmeauser]

I did it all my life.

 

[Georgie]

I’ve been feeling lately like I need to get this off my chest to other men and not just my female T… I still hold so much shame for the almost daily masturbation and porn use that marred my young teenage and young adult years trying to cope with what I couldn’t understand. I would touch myself in similar ways to what I experienced and watch gay porn that was so degrading and scary for a young 13-14 year old boy to be watching. The things that would be said in these videos and the reinforcement that I should believe them about myself and feel the shame and disgust still stick with me today. I can’t shake feeling like I’m not worth anything except being used for sex. Oftentimes I feel so disconnected and less than a man when I look at other men in public and just think about them being dominating and me being a scared little boy who they’ll use for their own pleasure.

I’m not sure where I wanted to go with this, I guess I just need other men to know that I touched myself in shameful ways to cope with what I’ve experienced and I feel like not enough of a man for it everyday. I want to feel like it’s okay and other men don’t look at me and see my scars and shame all over me for it. I want to feel accepted and feel compassion from other men that it wasn’t my fault to do such shameful things to myself.

You should feel no shame. Masturbation is normal and, as far as I am concerned, something very manly.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I think masturbation is healthy as long as it is done privately and not in front of random people.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I've been hypersexual ever since I was first molested at age 11. For a very long time, I just thought I was abnormally horny; my sex drive has been off the charts for the last four decades. There are some days when I can masturbate up to 10 times in one day. Throughout my 20s, I was going home with lots of different older men from the bar multiple times a week. I now understand that my abuser created a hypersexual 11 year old boy and I'm still hypersexual to this day. My point is, if this is the result of being abused, it's NOT your fault, and there is NO shame in masturbating!