*Triggers Possible* Subtle and not subtle

[KevinGKG]

My mother had some subtle things she'd do that would fuck with my head sometimes. One was her interest in my masturbation. It wasn't a healthy boundary setting behavior or communication. I mean she used very blunt language around me and would openly talk about it even if it made me visibly uncomfortable she sort of seemed to enjoy that.

Other subtle things she would do could happen anytime. Even routine things like haircuts were an opportunity for her. She cut my hair up until I was in High School. I'd sit on this bar-stool and she'd throw a sheet on me. She'd press in quite close when doing this and I'd have her chest brushing up against my arm or back if she was undressed. Again, not wildly sexual at all. But she also pressed her vulva against my knee when working on my front and sides. This didn't always happen, but it happened more than once. I was bouncing my knee and she pressed up against it and held herself there. Even though I stopped she pressed against me. So I could feel her public hair against my leg/lower thigh. This usually excited me and I was sort of trapped there. But that is what she liked.. She'd pull the sheet off and act like it was some kind of bizarre thing and I was the pervert.
When I was in 8th grade she injured a shoulder at work. She had a hard time doing things with her arm. She was out of work but still had to go to the store and get stuff done. If her boyfriend wasn't around then she had me help her dress in the morning and undress when she came home in the evening. I remember helping her pull up her pants some times and undo her blouse and bra - or put it on. If I was dressed I could hide my excitement. If I wasn't dressed, it was visible. Again- another opportunity to make me feel bad about it.

I think two other more significant events happened when that same year. Both incidents happened while she was out of work and sometimes drinking a bit much. One of these things happened in the middle of day and I was home, so it was a weekend. The other happened at night. One seemed playful. The other was not subtle at all. It was a real tipping point in her behavior

 

[GaD3!]

I am sorry to hear of what you experienced at the hands of your mother. I won't make derogatory comments about your mother, not my place to do so. All that you describe is not at all normal or proper and none of it was your fault. Masturbation is normal for kids and teens- you don't state your age, so I assume close to your teen years. And getting an erection during the situations you describe is normal too. The body does what it is hard wired to do. As you know she knew exactly what she was doing, and you were the victim and not a pervert- the adult was the pervert. If you are not working with a therapist, it may be helpful for you to do so.

 

[KevinGKG]

I am sorry to hear of what you experienced at the hands of your mother. I won't make derogatory comments about your mother, not my place to do so. All that you describe is not at all normal or proper and none of it was your fault. Masturbation is normal for kids and teens- you don't state your age, so I assume close to your teen years. And getting an erection during the situations you describe is normal too. The body does what it is hard wired to do. As you know she knew exactly what she was doing, and you were the victim and not a pervert- the adult was the pervert. If you are not working with a therapist, it may be helpful for you to do so.

Hello- and thank you. I am well past my teens- in my late 40s now. I only really started grappling with this in the last several years and its been on and off again to be honest.
I am working with a therapist, but perhaps I need to spend more time with him. It is helpful though and the T has provided some of the same re-assurance that you mentioned. My mother is/was a pretty disturbed. I haven't spoken with her in a year now. What I know about her comes from my sister who lives in the same state. I know there was more about our lives together than just the abuse and bizarre behavior but those memories almost always eclipse the others.
Anyhow. Thank you.

 

[GaD3!]

Hello- and thank you. I am well past my teens- in my late 40s now. I only really started grappling with this in the last several years and its been on and off again to be honest.
I am working with a therapist, but perhaps I need to spend more time with him. It is helpful though and the T has provided some of the same re-assurance that you mentioned. My mother is/was a pretty disturbed. I haven't spoken with her in a year now. What I know about her comes from my sister who lives in the same state. I know there was more about our lives together than just the abuse and bizarre behavior but those memories almost always eclipse the others.
Anyhow. Thank you.

Glad to here that you are working with a therapist! I knew you were beyond your teens, I meant that, you were most likely around that age at the time all that was taking place. It is understandable that you have not spoken to your mother in a year, so I hope you don't feel bad about that. Right now, you need that space to deal with all you experienced. You are NOT a bad son. If you are able and it is beneficial, I would recommend seeing the therapist on a more regular basis. Take care!